the blahs have returned

The blahs have returned

I really tried to get out of bed when my body woke up around 1030. I just couldn’t. I lay there for another couple of hours and then I got up to use the bathroom and then make coffee. I was definitely in a mood as my mother said good morning a few times and all I could do was grunt. I hate it when people try to talk to me in the morning. Even while I was in the hospital I was like a grump. I had no caffeine there so I had no choice but be grumpy until I got my powdered eggs and cold potatoes. The food was always cold, not even lukewarm when it first arrived. I ate it anyway. I like the turkey sandwiches best anyway.

I really didn’t want to do a damn thing today and I haven’t except write this blog. I ordered food and it was okay. The pasta was overcooked, as you would expect when you order out. I just ate the chicken and artichoke hearts. One of these days I will call my dentist to get my teeth filled and my cracked tooth fixed. It always gets food stuck and then it takes me forever to get the food out of the space. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet today. Next time I go to the bathroom I will.

I got my new insurance card. Same numbers, different color/name. Partners is now Mass General Brigham so I have their insurance plan. It is fine because I just go to MGH anyways for care. All my providers are there. The psych hospital was an affiliate of them, a merger that occurred a couple years ago or more.

It’s cool today but it is freezing in my room. I had to shut the fan off as my feet are frozen despite being under the blankets. I just want to go under them and sleep. I have been in bed more than anything. I just lie down. I hardly am able to sleep or nap. I ordered groceries to be delivered tomorrow. They didn’t have my favorite chips in stock. So I went without. It will be delivered between 10 and 2, my favorite hours to be awake. I seem to get things done during those hours more than any other time of day.

I was wondering what my pulse was so I took it along with my BP and it is 92. My BP is the best it has been in a week 126/82. Looks like the medicine is working the way it should. Maybe I don’t have to have an increase. I see my pcp Tues. for a follow up. I got a message today saying that if my pulse doesn’t come down, I might have to go on a low dose beta blocker. I haven’t had any palpitations today. I will probably get them tomorrow when I bring my groceries up the stairs. I have to order more Ensure as I have been drinking it for the calories for the Latuda. I need 350 calories for this medication.

My psychiatrist got back to me about the catatonia. He said that I am at risk for reoccurrence but it won’t be because of anesthesia. I am glad about that but am worried. I’ve had catatonia twice in my life so far. Both times I have been in the hospital when it has happened. Usually a traumatic memory brings it on. I have no idea how I was in the state for weeks after my medical hospitalization. I remember being on the psych unit being so damn paranoid as time went on. I thought the nurses were poisoning my food. I hardly ate. Then when I was home, I barely ate because nothing tastes good. I remember my sister had made me one of my frozen dinners and I was convinced she put detergent and bleach in my food. I wasn’t on any medication then. If I was, I don’t remember what I was on. My sister was giving me meds but I have no idea what they were. I don’t even think my pcp knew what I was taking because I couldn’t communicate with her. I couldn’t remember anyways. I had amnesia of all the events to that point. I swore I was a dead body. I remember I couldn’t really take care of myself but I constantly had to keep an eye on my mother. I wasn’t sleeping. My ears kept me up as I was constantly listening to make sure my mother didn’t fall, even if I thought she was a dead body and was kept alive with oxygen and water balloons. Guess I was psychotic.

any thoughts?

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