Author: Midnight Demon

Another day, another migraine

I got hit with a migraine last night so went to bed around 8. I woke up around 1030p and been up since. I tried reading for a bit but couldn’t really concentrate. My head was spinning with possible outcomes of the story. I am reading a John Grisham novel. It isn’t about lawyers, but the dead guy was a lawyer before he became a writer. The name of the book is Camino Winds. It is the second book in the series about Camino Island. A third book is out which I will get when I have some free cash, which isn’t going to be until maybe Feb. I don’t know. I am still fretting over my finances as I need to pay for meds next month and the new migraine med is going to be my most expensive because it is new. I don’t know if I will need another prior authorization for it.

I need to contact my pcp in the morning as my heart rate has been up. I have been having palpitations the last three or four days. I checked my heart rate and it was 108. Right now it is 66, which is better but I feel anxious. I took some Ativan as I don’t think I will be getting back to sleep without it. I haven’t been taking it regularly. Just when I need it.

My migraines have gotten so bad that I have become nauseous. I asked my pcp for some Zofran. I told her I didn’t need a month’s supply so she gave me some. I picked it up yesterday as I had to get my Effexor. I ran out. I hate when I forget to refill my meds. I don’t want to do the auto-refill as now I have to pay for my meds and if I don’t have the money, I can’t get them. I don’t think I will be able to get my groceries next pay period. I am stressed out about it. I think I am going to email the editor and say I will pay her probably in Feb, half and then half the next month. This way I can keep her. But the book isn’t ready yet. I want to write at least five more pages. Nothing is coming to me about what to write. I’ve become so matter of fact and concise in my writing that it is so damn hard to expand. I don’t know how writing papers again is going to be, especially if they need like five pages of something.

I was talking with someone I met on Bluesky. He said that he often has the most productive work during the morning hours, but for him it is 6 am. Mine is now, between 1 and 4 am. Why my blog is the Midnight Demon. I know when I first starting writing, it used to be like 1500 words or more at a time. Now I am lucky if I write 500. That used to be my goal but it is a struggle some days so I cut it to at least 300 words.

As I was up, I was thinking about checking on my mother. It pained me to think of her empty bed. I miss her so much. There were so many times where I would catch when her sugars were low during these hours. They mostly happened while she was in the room next to mine. They happened less frequently when she moved downstairs. I think getting up to the bathroom was easier for her. I also think that her struggling to go up the stairs caused the low sugars.

Today is T shot day so I took it now. I usually do if I am up and remember. I have no idea where I put my bag of supplies. I just pulled some out. I am hoping I can find the bag by next shot. I need to pack some stuff for the trip next weekend. I am just going to bring my jeans and sweatpants, underwear, and some long sleeve shirts in case it is freezing. I have no idea how far up in New Hampshire we will be. I hope it isn’t stressful. My sister is planning on having a dinner up there for Christmas. I think it will be nice. Hopefully the weather will be good.

Rain was pouring down I can hardly breathe

Grief is hitting me hard today. Nothing in particular set it off. I just miss my mother. It’s been eight months. So fucking hard. I got up late today as I woke up early. I didn’t want to go back to bed but I did. It was a good sleep. I wish it kept the grief away.

I have been thinking about how I have been suicidal since I was eight. I know part of me is suicidal because of not being a boy and having to suppress it for so long. I talked about this in therapy today. It was a difficult session. She wanted me to talk about my strengths but I don’t know what they are. I told her I don’t want to be alive. Last night was hard for me. I didn’t tell her I was in crisis or anything. I just don’t want to be here.

After therapy, I made lunch. I was hungry. I made a pizza. It always makes me happy. I had a coffee while it was cooking. I just had two cups today. I finally changed my bedding last night but I seemed to have misplaced my T bag. I don’t know where I put it. I might have to just get a syringe and things out just for this dose this week. I also have my migraine med this week. Tomorrow I have to go pick up my Effexor. I ran out. I meant to fill it last week and forgot.

I will be seeing my cousin on Friday. I will head south of Boston. It should be fun. I can’t wait.