Author: Midnight Demon

Saturday Blog 09122023

I stayed in bed kind of late. I woke up in the middle of the night with another headache from dreaming. I took an Ativan and went back to sleep. Right before I woke up, I kept dreaming I was in the ED for another psych admission but it was Friday and I had to be out by Mon so I could go to work. Strange dream.

I got up and had a coffee and a sandwich. My sister bought cold cuts. My niece texted me that she was here so I went downstairs to say hello. I miss her. I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks. I had another cup of coffee with my sister’s Keurig and it the temp was much hotter than mine. My sister said to adjust the temp so I will do that tomorrow. The coffee is hot but it doesn’t really stay hot for long. Her stayed hot for a while.

Afterwards, I went up to my room and put my sneakers on. I had to go get my meds. I still haven’t brushed my teeth yet but I will do that before bed. I am still drinking a latte I got at Starbucks. I had a package from my uncle. He sent me a 8×10 of a pic of us that we took on his birthday last weekend. It was nice of him to send it to me.

I am tired. I think tomorrow I am going to change my sheets. I have been procrastinating for a while now. I got to shave my head again. I never did it yesterday because my head was hurting so much. I am glad I am feeling better today. Yesterday was just brutal. I don’t ever remember having a headache that lasted all day before. I know it was a migraine, which is different than a headache but still. I was hurting.

I have been thinking more about my therapy “homework”. I still have no idea what I am doing. I will look up some distress tolerance stuff that I have on my phone. There is an app called DBT911 that I like. It has a few different modules to help when in distress. I haven’t been in distress. I mostly been in a numb state most of the time. I guess the increase in Effexor has helped take away the remaining depression. I am at the max dosage. I am not sure if mirtazapine is doing anything for me at this point.

Brain fog

I woke up around 3 with a headache. I stayed up for about an hour and then went back to sleep, only to continue to wake up to headaches throughout the rest of my sleep. I woke up and my head felt all fuzzy. I didn’t know if I was going to get a migraine or not but I took some meds in case. I then went and had coffee. I had two cups and still felt like shit. I tried listening to music but it hurt my head so I had to stop. It was wicked bright out and that hurt. I guess I am in sensory overload right now. I hate the brain fog. It has to be worse than being in pain. What is worse is that there is nothing that can be done about it. I am worried that this might interfere with my college studies.

I wanted to write about my therapy session yesterday but I couldn’t really focus after session. I jotted down what she wanted me to work on before next session and when I read it today, it was cryptic. I know she wanted to me to come up with other skills than what I am using but I have no idea what I meant by what I wrote. I also need to look up other skills on the DBT or CBT sites. I told her that my coping skills varies by what I need at the moment. I also told her that when she catches me trying to change the subject when a particular topic gets uncomfortable, I shut down. She wants me to find grounding stuff but I really haven’t found anything that helps me to ground when I am upset. She doesn’t want me to dissociate which I guess I do when I shut down, but it is hard staying in the moment when it is happening. I often feel like she scolds me, though she doesn’t, I guess. I don’t know.

I made sweet potatoes. They needed to be made before they went bad. I just had like half of what I made. They were so yummy. I didn’t do anything that I needed to do which was to change my bedding and do the laundry. I managed a shower last night. It fucking exhausted me. I ended up watching the new Indiana Jones movie and then went to bed. I took my meds late because I was watching the movie and forgot to take them. It was a good movie. I had bought all the films but I can’t remember if they were VHS or DVDs. I can watch it all on Disney+ so I don’t have to worry about it.

I wanted to go out to get my meds but I feel really crappy. Not even the idea of going to Starbucks is helping to motivate me to get dressed to go out so I will go tomorrow. Hope the fog is gone by then.