Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

feeling like shit 18082023

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Feeling like shit

I woke up a couple times during the night and morning. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I had a slight headache. My sister called me between 1 and 130 so I decided to get up. I brushed my teeth. Then set out for some coffee. My middle sister was being a complete bitch. She sent some ableism text messages to me and she just doesn’t get that I am disabled. She thinks cause I do things one day, I can do them every day. That isn’t the case. I am so fucking pissed. She works for a primary care office. I pity the person that comes in disabled to her. She is so fully of ableism it isn’t fucking funny.

I slept most of the day yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night and crashed around 545a. The Sox were a disappointment. They lost again. Tonight we are playing the Skankees so I am not sure how it will be. They suck so we might have an advantage but I am not sure. We haven’t been able to beat sucky teams. So frustrating.

My therapist responded to the message I sent her yesterday about the DMH paperwork. She thinks what I checked off is good to start with. So I will mail that off hopefully tomorrow if I am up before noon. The post office closes at 1 so if I am up, I will go. Otherwise, it will have to wait until Monday.

I don’t have plans for the weekend. I hope my bitchy sister doesn’t start with me. She will be home as she doesn’t work weekends. I hate it. But there is nothing I can do about it. I got a new book that I am reading so I plan on spending time reading. I might go to Starbucks. I don’t know. Depends on how I feel. These headaches have been brutal. I hope they are behind me now.

Another crappy day, another migraine

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up around 430 to pee and went back to sleep. I had the longest dream about being on the orange line waiting for a train. I kept walking around and there was a syringe there where trans people could donate T. I tweeted the docs who were apparently doing this and then I decided to hold on to the syringe for safe keeping. Meanwhile trains were running but none were stopping or opening the door to get in. I finally realized I was on the wrong platform. I then boarded a train but it was going around the wrong way. I woke up with such a severe headache I couldn’t move. My alarms went off and I cringed from the noise. My head hurt so much. I finally decided to get up to take a migraine med. I then went downstairs for coffee. After I finished the cup, I realized I didn’t take my morning meds so I went back to my room. I took them and then just stayed there. I felt like crap. The migraine was gone but there is this pressure around my head. I call it the aftershocks of a migraine.

My pcp office called. A nurse I don’t know left a message asking how I was and to either call back or leave a web message. I left a web message. I checked the weather app to see if there was going to be stormy or rainy and there is neither. It’s just a cloudy muggy day. I need to go to the library to pick up my book. I might go to Starbucks for another coffee and start reading it. That is if I can manage a stupid shower. I have no energy but am pushing myself to do things.

I grabbed some clean clothes and headed toward the bathroom. My nephew was in there so I decided to make a sandwich and more coffee. I really hadn’t eaten much yesterday. I really wasn’t hungry but knew I needed to eat. I’ve been on this weird kick where one day I will eat and next I won’t. I am trying to lose weight but have nothing to show for it. My stomach is causing such dysphoria. I hate my body, part of the reason I hate showering is because I hate seeing me naked. I really didn’t know how fat I was until the chest things were gone. Part of me just wants to starve myself to lose the weight but I love food too much to give it up. I usually just eat one thing a day and not even a huge meal. Just a sandwich or some eggs. Something with protein so I am not so hungry.

I am trying to get myself in the shower. I was going to groom and might still do it. I’m not sure if I am going to shave my face or not. I might shave under my chin and neck. I am still experimenting with my beard. I am trying not to go back to my room because I know I will just lay down and sleep the afternoon away. I think my nephew left so I have the house to myself. Now I just need energy to do what I need to do…

What is a word you feel that too many people use? #WPDP

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

What is a word you feel that too many people use?

Woke is a word that too many people use and drives me crazy.