Author: Midnight Demon

A day of rest and feeling like shit

Yesterday I didn’t do anything. I was still pretty sore from PT. I had a really hard time sleeping. I was up like every hour and just could not get into a good sleep. I was tired for most of the day. I wasn’t in a lot of pain but I just felt shitty. Today is more of the same except I got sleep. My med alarm went off at 7 because I forgot to change the time to 8. I didn’t want to get up. I stayed in bed a couple more hours and then emptied my bladder even though I didn’t have the urge. I then had a cup of coffee. My niece was in the kitchen painting and had taken up nearly half of the kitchen table. We talked as I drank my coffee. She broke the cover of the sugar bowl. Her mother is not going to be happy about it. I can already hear the yelling.

I’ve been craving pizza so I ordered it today. I wanted a coke but the place had pepsi so I got that. When it was delivered, I was delivered a coke. Score. My mother is making broccoli. She is probably going to make pasta with it for supper.

I wanted to go out to get half and half but I placed a grocery order instead. It will be coming tomorrow. I hope that they give me all that I ordered unlike last time. I need Gatorade! Figures tomorrow is supposed to rain. I should reschedule the delivery but I don’t feel like waiting. I will make sure to ice the stairs. Supposed to be cold tomorrow. Boston public schools just announced that they are closed due to the weather. They never closed school when I was going.

I had an idea for my memoir. I think I am going to write about the discrimination about weight for breast surgery. That has been my only trouble in getting surgery is my weight. I need to look into it to get ideas about how to write about it.

Around 2p today I got palpitations and my heart rate went to 112 just with me sitting on my bed reading Twitter. I wasn’t reading anything disturbing but I felt my heart beat. It is ok now but it scared me. I am having rib pain and I sent a message to pcp asking what I should look for if I am having a heart attack. This pain has been going on for the past two hours but I had it before. They said that the pain would be radiating and down arm, neck, shoulder, jaw. I would also have nausea. So that is some stuff to keep an eye on when I am having these stupid episodes.

I got a call from the LGBTQ clinic saying they had an opening in their chronic pain support group. I left them a message to call me tomorrow to set up a time to meet. I was on their waitlist for more than a year. If It pans out, I will send a message to my psychiatrist to tell him. I don’t see him till the end of March due to scheduling. So ridiculous I have to wait an entire month to see him.

My mood for the day because I haven’t been able to sleep

PT killed me

I had PT today. I worked on a machine for the first 10 mins and then she took some measurements to see how my shoulder is progressing. It is getting better. Then she dry needled me and my arm is so sore. My intercostals were tight so she massaged them and omg did it hurt. I got to put heat on and drink a lot of water. I would but I have a painful canker on my lip right now. I just put some medicine on it.

I came home and the stuff I ordered from Amazon Fresh came. My niece helped bring it upstairs for me. It is drinks that I bought because I am out of Gatorade. I have no idea what is going on with the lemon lime flavor but I can’t seem to get it. Stop and shop is out of it. And now they got the 28oz bottles. Fuckers. Same price as a 32 oz. I am not happy about it.

I am really tired. I had something to eat when I came home. Leftovers from last night. I also had a cup of coffee to warm up some as I was frozen waiting for the bus. I took a shower this morning. I had to. I stunk so bad because I was sweating most of the night. I don’t know why my room got really hot. I kept taking off the covers. I was too lazy to turn on the ceiling fan. I didn’t sleep too well. I woke up around 0130 to pee and it took a couple of hours for me to get back to sleep. Then I kept having weird dreams and felt like I was waking up every hour or so because of them. I didn’t want to get up this morning but I had a cup of coffee before I showered. I forgot to brush my teeth after the shower but I did do it before I got dressed for PT.

Today is the anniversary of the 13^th Amendment being passed so I plan on watching Lincoln tonight. I love this movie so much.

The place where I am hopefully getting top surgery sent me a thing for registration so I did that and it made me brain dead. I was so tired from answering all the questions on my medical history, medications, family history, etc. I still haven’t decided who I am going to have write the letter saying that I am affirming my gender. Weight came up on the forms. I swear to god if BMI is a fucking issue I will just kill myself. I am going to try and lose weight between now and April but I’ve never been successful at reducing my weight on my own. I only lost 20 lbs because I had stopped eating. Without meaning to, I lost two pounds since I last weighed myself. I swear I don’t eat enough calories during the day but because I am sedentary, I don’t burn calories either. The only time I really leave the house is when I have an in-person appointment, usually a doctor or PT. at least once a month I will go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds but I all but a few that are there now. I have transferred most of my meds to mail order because it is cheaper and I don’t have to keep track every month if I need to refill my meds. I get a text from the mail order when my meds need to be refilled.

I just used my fitness pal to calculate the approximate number of calories I consume a day. It is way less than 1500 a day. I have no idea why I am still overweight.

Exciting news

Over the weekend while I couldn’t sleep, I decided to look at top surgery surgeon in my area. There were two places that accepted my insurance so I went with those. I got called today by one of them and have an appointment in April! I am so excited/nervous/scared all at once. Then I had therapy and I have decided that I love/hate her. We talked about getting trans support and it is my own anxieties keeping me from seeking out other trans folks. There is a transmen group that meets this Wed online. I am going to try and join it. Only problem I foresee is that it is between 1900-2100, which is usually around the time I go to bed. I might be too tired to join. I have to join an online thing that I only heard about through Wil Wheaton. I have no idea how it works so it will be interesting if I go for it.

Today was my niece’s birthday. I just came from the party. It was a good time. I couldn’t find the energy to shower so I plan on showering tomorrow morning before I leave the house for PT. I hope the PT can help my side and shoulder blade. It has been bothering me the past three days. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and down all my pain meds. I am so tired of being in pain every single day. It will be four months since the fall and that one fall I am still hurting. I still can’t even pick up 1L of water with my arm. It hurts so bad when I try or forget. I was able to do my arm exercises today for the first time without pain. I am making some progress but it is really slow and painful.

I contacted my PCP’s office to find out when I should expect the holter monitor and they said it could take up to a week. Great. I came up the stairs from the party and got really dizzy and out of breath. I had no palpitations so that was a good thing. I just took my night meds. I am unsure if I am going to use the vaginal estrodiol cream tonight. It doesn’t absorb well and I don’t like it. Just from the one dose I keep having it all over the place and on my underwear. Makes me feel gross.

I don’t plan on doing anything this evening. I am almost ready for bed.