Therapy and pain and shoulder and and
So my third pair of glasses were delivered this morning around 0830. I have been up since 6 when I had to get up to pee. I didn’t want to go back to sleep because then I would feel shitty for the rest of the day. I didn’t want coffee just yet so just charged my phone and read Twitter. There were three packages when the mail was delivered, all for me. My cousin gave me THE OSU sweatshirt! It was the best present. He said it was from my godmother. I was close to tears but they wouldn’t fall. I thought we would discuss this in therapy but other stuff got discussed.
I wanted to go to the grocery store for coffee and half and half so I left. I took a bus there and then took a cab home as I knew I wouldn’t be able to carry the stuff home. My mother wanted eggs as she was making cookies so I got four dozen. I also completed the last of my Christmas shopping by picking up Ferraro candy for my niece.
I just chilled a bit when I came home from the grocery store. I still had to figure out a way to wrap my mother’s present, which didn’t come in a box like I thought it would. So I had one of my prescription boxes that was small enough and put it in there then put it in a larger box then put it in another box that I intended to wrap the gift in. I gave the box to my mother to wrap telling her not to open it.
I was in a lot of pain with my shoulder so I contemplated going to therapy. I asked the therapist and she said it was up to me. I knew if I didn’t show up, I wasn’t going to see her till the new year as she is on vacation next week. She said with patients like me she needs a month off, and I laughed because I knew she was right and not kidding. She told me I was messaging her too much and that I needed to journal more. She wants me to be more independent and less dependent on her. I have a problem with this. I’ve always depended on my therapist to be there and if she isn’t going to be there for me, wtf. She seems to think that she is only available during the 45 mins we are in session and no time in between. I have a problem with this. I have always been able to reach my therapists outside of session when I needed to. Granted the times I have been in touch with her are not urgent but still I like to convey things to her during the week. It is hard not to think about her when I am processing my recovery.
The thing that gets me is that this therapist never asks questions about me. Like she isn’t interested in me. I only have to speak my mind for the session to continue. My previous therapist of 16 years was all about me. She wanted to know what I was doing 24/7. We kept in touch even though we ended. It still hurts that we ended. I never processed her leaving me. And I never will with this therapist. She makes me feel like she is uninterested in me, just another slot in her calendar. Like I am unimportant. I know I should probably find someone else but it is so hard to find someone that is willing to take me on and that takes my insurance and is within T range.
I got a hold of the shoulder surgeon’s secretary today. I am scheduled for the arthrogram tomorrow. I am scared shitless. I looked up how it is done and I am feeling a little bit better about it but I know it is going to be painful as fuck. I plan on taking 2 mg of Ativan before the procedure and 2 BT meds afterwards. I just hope I can carry my water bottle. I also need to make sure I do have my water bottle because my uro wants another urine sample to make sure I don’t have an infection. I had planned on starting the vaginal estrogen tomorrow as I want to shower but it will have to be postponed. Seeing as I need to put this on twice a week and after I bathe, I think showering Tues and Thurs is a good idea and easy to remember. I just don’t know if it will mess up the test results so best not to put it on tomorrow.
I am fucking tired as fuck right now. I just took my night meds. I was late again in taking them. I like to take them between 7 and 730p because for some reason, that is when they work best and I am usually in bed by 10 the latest, if not before. I didn’t brush my teeth this morning so I am going to do so before bed when I empty my bladder before attempting to sleep.
Sunday blog 19122021
Today has been an interesting day on Twitter. For interesting discussion, I polled to therapists what they would do if their client/patient was suicidal but had no intent. Right now, safety planning seems to be winning, which is the right thing to do. I am glad there has been discussion around no harm contracts and their bullshit because it focuses more on the therapist’s liability than the patient/client. There also was discussion about CAMS which I absolutely loved. One grad student was trying to tell my friend and I that CAMS was superior to DBT but he wasn’t listening about what to do after the assessment of the SSF. It was some good discussion. I loved it.
I had my appointment with uro and got some good answers. I don’t need to see my neurosurgeon again. She thinks the atonic bladder is due to meds so I will have to have another study done with Dr. Creepy sometime in March without the meds. I have to stop the meds for a week and then have the study done. I asked about vaginal estrogen and she gave me some to put on after I bathe so I don’t have the suppositories. Right now my insurance isn’t covering it or there is a glitch about it at the pharmacy because I am not paying $165 for it. She said that if I do have bladder contractions, which I currently do not, I might be a candidate for botox but I don’t want fucking botox treatment. Hopefully the new uro won’t either.
After my appointment, I went on Twitter and tagged a uro I am following who told me about vaginal estrogen helping the urethra and decreasing UTIs. So I told her I am on it now for urethral pain. This sparked discussion about it. It was amazing to see doctors responding to my tweet. I got a couple new follows out of it which I was glad because now I am at 1300 followers on Twitter before my birthday which is awesome.
I had my dinner. It was good and I am so full. I am getting tired and wondering if I should make some coffee. But it is close to taking my night meds so I probably won’t have coffee. I have been drinking water from my new water bottle. It is too heavy for my left arm to hold. It is made of sturdy glass and the weight of 32 oz makes it even heavier. So I have to use my right arm to hold it. My shoulder has been hurting me all day, though it is more the muscles in my arm that hurt more than my shoulder itself. I sent a message to the surgeon about it and whether the arthrogram will show what is wrong with my muscles. I also would like to know who will be doing the injecting. I don’t want an intern doing it. I also asked him to send a message to my PT for guidance about how to help me. I sent a message to my PT that she should hopefully receive a response from him.
The funny thing with my uro was that she totally thinks I am male and so she thought I had male genitals when I brought up the vaginal estrogen, I confused her. I do hope we stay in touch. She is a great doctor. and will be missed.
Saturday Blog 18122021
I got my new glasses today and I was stumped as to which ones were the transition and which weren’t. The ones with transition I plan on wearing all the time and just use the second pair as a backup to when I am sick of the frames. I like both glasses so it was hard to choose which one to wear but the rim frame is the transition so I am going with that.
I have been having a rough day staying awake. It’s 4pm and I am having a second cup of coffee with my dinner, which is just some quiche as I didn’t want to make a pot pie again. I have some pasta stuff but I would be the only one who eats it because of the salt content. My mother can’t eat it because of her heart condition, though she will probably eat the leftovers.
I woke up twice during the night due to having to pee. The first time was a bad dream that I don’t even remember and the second time was to pee. And did I have to go. I didn’t drink that much while I was up but my bladder was sure full when I got up around 6. I was able to quickly go back to sleep and then wake up a couple of hours later when my med alarm went off. I still didn’t get up right away. I vaguely remember having coffee and biscuits this morning. I was so tired after drinking the coffee. It was like I took a sedative. I took a nap for about three hours, waking up to pee again. I am not surprised because I had a couple glasses of water after I had my coffee and I didn’t empty before taking my nap.
I still am tired and my shoulder is sore. It is snowing so I think the weather is playing a part in my fatigue. Tomorrow afternoon I see my uro. I am glad because I have a few questions for her. I want to know if my bladder scan is worse than the previous one and if I need to see my neurosurg for it because it is getting bad again. I hope not but I am just keeping an open mind on the whole thing.
I looked up arthrogram on the web and found they do inject the joint with dye. OUCH. I will be taking 2 BT meds with me when I go for this study. I got to call Monday and schedule it. I think I can just call radiology as the order is there for the test and I have a follow up with the surgeon in Jan. I did ask if I should continue with shoulder PT until we have results.
I need to make a decision about whether or not to shave my head again. I like it when it is bald but I got to do it every other day or so and my energy levels have been terrible. I am lucky I can shower at least once a week. Chronic pain has been awful to deal with. Every day my shoulder or my foot is acting up. Sometimes at the same time. I just can’t deal. I think I am going to go to bed early again tonight because I am just so damn tired. I wonder if increase in tizanidine is causing my drowsiness. It doesn’t seem to be helping my urethra, though I haven’t had spasms since the increase so maybe it is doing something. Today I had a strong urge while cathing and I didn’t think I was going to be able to hold back. I leaked around the cath a little bit but thankfully it wasn’t a lot. I hate when this happens.
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