Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

coloring and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Coloring and other things

Last night before I went to bed I colored a dinosaur picture. I wanted to do some self-care before bed. It had been a whole day of pain. Today I have slept little and so stayed in bed till noon. I took a shower. I wanted to shave my head but I just wasn’t feeling it.

The shoulder surgeon responded to my message. He wants to do a CT with dye to look at the shoulder and soft tissues. I tried calling but didn’t get anywhere. I will try on Monday. PT wanted me to book some more appointments so I did that. We might have to focus on my back more than my shoulder if this pain continues. I have been putting heat on it but it doesn’t seem to help. I have been taking ibuprofen and that helps a little bit.

My new glasses should be here today. I am patiently waiting for them to be delivered. It probably won’t be until after 5pm. I don’t know why our deliveries are at that time but it is. I just hope the prescription isn’t too strong.

I got a pot pie in the oven for dinner. I really like these pies. I am going to continue to order them and the turkey dinner. It is so good. I had cereal for breakfast with my coffee. I only managed to have one cup of coffee today. Maybe I will have my second cup after dinner.

My therapist is taking off the week after Christmas. I am glad. She hasn’t had vacation all year. I am going to relish having a week off therapy. I still have PT to go to. But that is a different therapy. Still tiring though. I think during the break, I will read the book “Trauma and Recovery”. I had started it but I never got into it. It was required reading while I was take a trauma psych class.

I am feeling depressed about being in pain and also about my birthday coming up. I am planning a dinner date as I want filet mignon and mashed potatoes. I will be buying the meat the day of my birthday so it is fresh. I know my mother is going to get me a daughter card. I mentioned it on Twitter and my favorite friend said that I was her brother. That made me feel better.

shoulder pain and another night of no sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Shoulder pain and another night of no sleep

I was in a lot of pain last night. I kept waking up every four hours with my arm hurting me. I kept taking my BT meds and sleeping then waking up again in a few hours. It was terrible. I finally sent a message to the shoulder surgeon and am still waiting on what to do. My arm muscles are still sore. I mostly stayed in bed all day.  I am so tired.

Yesterday I met with my therapist in person and it went great. I felt like we covered some ground. She told me it was them and not me that had serious problems and that made me feel better. I thought I could make this a weekly thing but I think I got to ease into it. I am seeing her virtually on Mon.

My uro got in touch with me today. She wants to see me Sunday! So I said yes. There is a lot to cover. I still need to know if my bladder is worse than previous testing. I hope to get some answers when I see her. I don’t know when I will see the new doctor that I really don’t want to see.

My arm is still sore. I just took some more meds to try and calm it down. I don’t know why it is hurting so much. I haven’t done anything with it. I am tempted to use the sling again. I just want to sleep. I am going to nap for a bit before I have to take my night meds. I haven’t eaten much today. I don’t really have an appetite.

Puppy pic

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Will write tomorrow about today but here’s a baby bulldog

long pt session and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

Long PT session and other things

I woke up with my arm very sore. I don’t know what I do in my sleep that makes it angry. I had my coffee and my biscuits. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist that I had to be at my PT place for because the times were close together. We talked on the phone because zoom was not a good connection. He agreed to give me the 90 day Latuda and refilled my Ativan script. He thinks my frozen episodes are anxiety related and wants me to try and take an Ativan before it happens or when I feel it coming on. I am glad it is not a medication issue.

PT was not so great. My arm is more sore after seeing her. We went to do the stick exercises and my bicep muscles flipped out. I hurt so much. I thought I was going to cry. The muscles are so tight and sore. I got to put more heat on them. I am to lay off the exercises for tomorrow but to do them half step the following day. The PT said it could take up to four months before I am better. Fuck. I am two months into this so hopefully I am halfway there. The ortho was vague in his notes about how to proceed. I see the shoulder guy next month. Maybe I will get better answers from him. I never broke a bone before so I have no idea what time it takes to heal. I know that lifting my 5lb weights are off limits right now. I will only aggravate the muscles more than they are irritated.

My psychiatrist said that a secretary will be calling to book our next appointment. That if I don’t hear from them in a few weeks to send him a message. I asked if it will be in person and he said no. His department is still virtual due to the new threats. So weird because I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow. I told my PT I was seeing her and she asked how long has it been. I said more than a year and a half. I have my outfit all picked out. I am going to wear my new cardigan with my jeans. I haven’t decided if I am going to wear my khaki colored jeans or blue ones. I will decide tomorrow.

My mother had supper for me when I came home from PT. I had just planned on making a frozen dinner. I had hot dogs and potatoes with an artichoke. It was good. There was also chicken cutlets so I had one. Now I am going to color a dinosaur and post it to Twitter.