Category: Bipolar Disorder

Hey all, sorry I haven’t written past few days. I haven’t been feeling well, physically, and my head couldn’t think of anything to write. I had a flare yesterday while in group. Downright set my day off. Foot swelled up and I was done for the day. I got really suicidal. I had the hot nurse as my check in but she doesn’t get why people are suicidal. It makes her sad. Guess when you don’t have a abuse in your life, you don’t understand another’s suffering.

I am supposed to be discharged tomorrow. I really want to get out of here but I don’t think so as I still have a plan and want to act on it. I got a few things to take care of medically. I am like split in half as one side wants to do stuff and the other half just wants to die. I’d say i am about 65% wanting to die. The percentage changes when my pain gets really bad. Then I resolve that I will go through with it. Then when the pain stops, so does my urges for ending it but the thoughts and feelings still remain.

I am thinking of just saying that I am ok just to get out of here and if they ask “what has changed” I am not going to answer the question. I hate that question.

I ordered Starbucks. I really shouldn’t have but I am in caffeine withdrawal. I have the hot nurse again today as my check in. My pain is still there with the hammering of my malleolus. I’ve been having to take at least 2 breakthrough meds during the day. As I don’t have access to my meds, I’ve had to take gaba to try and numb myself out. Only thing is 600mg of gaba doesn’t get the job done other than cause brain fog because I don’t sleep. The melatonin they have here is stronger than the one I have at home. Just 5 mg and I am usually out in about an hour, hour and a half. I’ve tried fighting through because the pain has been bad but the drowsiness is too powerful.

I have a shit load of zits on my back. All along the upper back and then scattered down my back. There are two zits that are painful. Only problem is I can’t reach them. Speaking of shit, I haven’t gone in a few days so gonna have to take a Miralax soon. I try to take it early in the day just so I am not shitting through the night. Sometimes it takes two doses to have me go. The senna is just not doing it some days. I think with the retention med, it has increased my constipation.

I somehow developed some things on my privates. I think they bleed at times because there is a stain on my diaper that doesn’t look like urine. I haven’t told staff because I really don’t want to be examined by someone I don’t know. I feel embarrassed about it. It also triggers me because of the abuse, which is why I am not looking forward to seeing a urologist. I had a traumatic experience when i was like 5 and i will never forget how they, the doctors and nurse dealt with me to get the stupid test done. I’ve been thinking a lot of the abuse I endured by the family member. I don’t want to say who because I am too ashamed and angry. I also don’t know if my family reads my blog so best not to name them.

I talked with my mother yesterday. I asked her when is she going to accept me and she said since i was born. Funny way of showing it. I then asked her if she was ok with me being trans and she had the tone of dismissal. She said hastily “whatever makes you happy.” I asked her why can’t she use my pronouns of he/him and she said defiantly that she would. She said it was hard to call me G. I understand that but I said that when she calls me a whatever it hurts. She didn’t apologize and just basically inferred that was who I am because “for 40 years she has been calling me my birth name.” She also didn’t say she loved me. Not that I was expecting it. I wanted to talk more but my fricken cousin was pounding at the door so we had to end the call. I wanted to ask her if she told her sisters and if she didn’t, why. I sort of know why but wanted her take. I know the lunatic will not accept it but my other aunt, who I consider family, totally will. I know this is hard for everyone but at least if they try, then I understand. But when they defiantly refuse to, that is when I get hurt and feel invalidated.

I am suddenly feeling overwhelmed and suicidal. These waves come on so suddenly and I just have to ride it out but in that moment, if I was at home, I could be instantly unsafe. I kind of want to act when I get like this. I also don’t want to let anyone know but the overwhelm is so great I feel like I have to reach out. I’ve had it instilled in me at a young age to always tell someone I am suicidal and now even as I am an adult, I still feel like I have to share my thoughts. I am so annoyed with myself about this. I always blurt things out and then regret it. I do this all the time with my psych, which gets her worried. Hence my hospitalization. I know if I tell the staff how I truly feel, I am not going home tomorrow yet I don’t know if I will be able to just say I am fine. Let me go. I can handle shit now (even though that is not the case but I don’t give a fuck). Hopefully I am not in a blurting out mood tomorrow. I also tend to answer questions off handedly, which always gets me in trouble because I answer honestly.

Just had a check in with my nurse. Fucking useless. She wanted to know how I feel about going home tomorrow. So I guess I am going home as everyone thinks I am fucking ready even though I want to fucking explode right now because the volatile person is playing piano and it is getting on my last fucking nerve. I am so fucking angry and agitated right now. I would end it right now if I could. Just want to do something but that would be really bad. So pissed off the damn nurses keep getting my ER and IR mixed up. Not even worth correcting them so I’ll just be in fucking pain. Tired of walking back and forth. I am so fucking angry and the damn person that has a volatile temper keeps playing the piano which is so fricken loud as it is the room next door. So sensitive to sounds today. I just want to fucking scream!!

I can’t take it right now and because I am in so much fucking pain I don’t want to leave my fucking room. So I’ll just be here while steam comes out of my fucking ears. I really have no where to go so WTF. I usually hangout at the nurses area when I am like this but the other patients have been using it as a fucking chat area so I can’t even get respite there. Fucking hate this place so bad so fuck my suicidality and send me the fuck home. I’ll just end it within a week anyway of being home. I don’t fucking care. Nothing has changed except my annoyance level. Been trying to write in my journal but my head feel so fucking heavy. I want to fucking sleep but I am too irritated.

If by all accounts I do go home tomorrow, I will be taking an Uber. Not going to mess with the damn shuttle and then taking buses and trains home. I think it will be easier and less aggravation.

Had a difficult day. Doc discussed a potential discharge date on Monday then had me sign a paper for “treatment agreement”, whatever that is. We really didn’t discuss a treatment plan so no idea what I was signing. I was upset over it only because I thought Monday was two days away. When I spoke with my social worker, she said it was five days away and I looked at her like what? I swear I don’t know what fucking day it is. So the social worker wanted me to work on some stuff. I have no idea what to work on. She wanted me to come up with an agenda for tomorrow. Fuck, I haven’t done one of those since like 2001/2002 when I was meeting with my then new therapist. I said I would try.

When she left, I went into suicidal prevention mode. I looked up the SSF on my phone. It was difficult and for some reason I found the file but it my phone’s word app wouldn’t open it. Took several tries but it finally did in “read only” mode. I didn’t plan on writing or changing anything so it was good so I didn’t do something I didn’t mean to do. I wrote out the initial form with just the sections I wanted answered. Also left out the reasons for dying/living part. I loathe that section of the form. I didn’t answer any of the questions. Just wrote them out. I then saw the social worker a little later and asked her if she minded homework. I gave her my blog with the CAMS information. I don’t know if anything is going to come from it and I hope I don’t have to play teacher through most of it.

I met with my contact person and about 10 mins in, my nurse comes in with my T shot. She let me do it. The needle was about an inch smaller than the ones I have, which is probably why my thigh is so sore right now as i am typing this. Because she was one of the nurses i trusted most, i brought up an issue that started yesterday when I was showering. My privates had some kind of painful lump. I didn’t know if I had accidentally scratched myself or if it was a pimple. She suggested i get it looked at and I requested the regular NP instead of the nitwit i saw last week. I was really nervous. Within a half hour i was in the exam room. Told her what was going in and then i got undressed. I asked that the nurse stay with me as I was so nervous. I’ve been abused and the idea of someone touching me still freaks me out even though it was a female and a medical professional. She did some looking and found some bumps. It was not HSV but she didn’t know what they were. Figures. She would look into it and get back to me and when I am out, see my GYN. Fuck no. I will see my pcp who may just suggest I see my endo doc. The NP was to prescribe a numbing medicine (lidocaine) for it so it isn’t painful.

After the exam, I was fine until intrusive memories of the abused I endured came flooding back. I had already taken an ativan because I was pissed off with the whole doc and treatment team thing. Now I was in PTSD mode and I pretty much hung out at the nurses station all day. Around 11, I peed and didn’t go again till around 530. I had a full bladder but could not get the urge to pee at all. I had drank over 2500CCs of fluid and it was ready to burst out of me. The pressure and pain was unreal. I finally went and peed around 500-800 CCs. I knew my bladder was not empty as it still hurt. I took the urecholine and hoped for the best.

I never got the lidocaine so I am not sure it is up here. I am sort of embarrassed to ask for it. I felt so humiliated after the exam. I leaked a lot in my diaper, which isn’t such a surprise because of all the urine I am holding.

So that has been my day. Always fun while I am here. Next time I think my medical issues are going to keep me off the floor.

Having a bad day. Day started off kind of good. Then after lunch, I got a bad pain flare. Nurses had to come to My room with meds as I couldn’t stand. It took a half hour for the pain to settle before I could take off my brace. A nurse had to pull it off as bending down caused me more pain. I had taken a pain med before going to my room. Three hours later,I was still in pain. I read some Harry Potter. I missed dinner. I had to pee so I slowly got up. I was doing ok until I got some juice. Then all hell broke loose. I am now at a 12 level pain with nothing to take for it because I am only allowed 2 fricken pills a day.I am so going to have that changed tomorrow.

While I was incapacitated, my diapers came in. Nothing like having a 20 something mental health worker open it. I am at least twice her age. Felt so embarrassed and humiliated. I got four and the rest went to my secured belongings as the plastics that bound the diapers was not safe for me to have. Within an hour I had to pee because I drank a lot of fluid. I stuck the diaper in my pocket and after I did my business, put it on. They are more comfy than the ones I have at home.

My nurse/contact person is the cute/hot nurse tonight. Have no idea if I will be an idiot when I check in with her. My hope is, I can possibly get a PRN of my breakthrough med. It has been raining for most of the day and the barometric pressure is up 0.2 points, which almost always flares me up. I am not sure about getting it because it will be close to night med time. I definitely will be getting the PRN with my regular meds. Last night I had a bitch of a nurse that didn’t like me taking it with my extended release. I still got it. There are no conflicts. I do it at home a lot of the time, especially if I am in a flare. I really hate that I don’t have access to my pharmacy at my bedside.

This morning I was in a analytical mood. I was listening to a bunch of break up songs that got me thinking about my therapist of 16 years that ended. Just as I was about to write about it, my social worker came in. We talked and I told her my fears of being rejected again, even though I have yet to meet with the new therapist I’ve been assigned. I am supposed to call to setup an appt but seeing as I don’t have a discharge date, I don’t want to just to have to cancel it. The SW heard me and was interested in working on this. I just feel like I got no real closure or space to move on because every therapist I have been calling, has rejected me due to my suicidal history. It has been hard and painful trying to go back yet at the same time, I just want to give it up entirely. I know what kind of therapist I am looking for but not sure if they exist. Last thing I need is a therapist who cannot handle a suicidal person. I will be crushed. I wish I could interview the person before I met with them. I haven’t looked this person up because I just don’t want to give my hopes up.
I have no idea how I am going to get my night meds tonight as my ankle/foot doesn’t want to cooperate with walking. Maybe I can get the cute nurse to bring them to me.

Would like to say thank you to all the soldiers and sailors lost in battle. Thank you for your ultimate sacrifice.

I am not having a good day. I woke up grumpy and in much need of coffee. I had some breakfast and then got vitals and meds. My nurse wasn’t there but the cute one was. There was another nurse and she did my meds as I chatted with the cute one. She is from the south and I absolutely love her accent. The nurse doing my meds asked if I needed any PRNs and I said no, though something in my gut was telling me to take a breakthrough med as my ankle was also grumpy. I didn’t.

I charged my phone and smart watch. Came back to my room. I rested for a bit before deciding I needed a shower. I had just stepped in the shower when my ankle exploded in pain. It was a very quick shower. I quickly dried off and got dressed. Was going to wear the shorts I wore yesterday but they smelled of pee so I changed to another pair. Then I got my PRN of ativan and BT med. I didn’t care if slept all day. I am in such a bad mood, I don’t even want to talk to my check in, who is also my nurse. I only will because I have two questions for her. I am getting really nervous about getting jabbed by a nurse here for my T shot this week. I want it to be someone I trust. I am hoping this nurse is the one assigned to me so it will be her. I also don’t know if I will be able to give it or not. It is so nerve racking.

Last night, the nurse/check in I had pissed me off. I had told her how I felt and she immediately said that I was “down with negative thoughts and that I should think positive and go to groups because they will help.” I was floored. Since when does positive thinking work with severe mental illness?? Like thinking happy thoughts is a magic cure or something?! Fuck you, lady. She said she going to be here tomorrow and will get me to go to groups. Frankly, there are very few groups that appeal to me. I don’t believe in DBT, though there are aspects of it I am open to, like radical acceptance and mindfulness. Actually, I think those are the only things I like about it. The rest is bullshit to me.

I am nervous about the 3 day. I might withdraw it only because I am scared but last night I got pissed off again and want to fucking leave. I might see if I can change rooms as it is too fucking noisy in this area. I am going to talk with the charge nurse tomorrow and ask.

I wanted to go out today but damn ankle is saying fuck you to that. Besides, I really can’t keep up with the group. They just walk faster than I do.

Lunch will be here soon. I wanted to blog early today so I didn’t forget. If I am up to it later, I might write another one. I have been reading a John Grisham book that has my attention. I still have Harry Potter. I’ve only been slow in reading that because I don’t have another Potter book. I am a little more than half way done. I only stopped because I cannot stand the Umbridge character. God I wish I could do the killing curse on her. I am sure I am not alone in that.