Category: Bipolar Disorder

So I went to the bathroom and came back to my room. One spot on my foot felt like it was wet. I touched it, dry as a bone. Then it because like ice. By the time I could get a heating pad, the whole foot has become a block of ice. It hurts so fucking bad. Just hope the heat helps.

I’ve been annoyed all day. People keep misgendering me and I am so fucking tired of it. No matter how many times I correct them.

Hope the rest of my day isn’t going to turn into a night of fucking pain. I really won’t be able to handle it the way my mood is right now. I am so close to the edge another flare might make me jump rather than push me off. I can stand it. Something is going on with my big toe. Feels like there is a pin pushing into the tiny space between my nail and skin. Nothing is there but the nail can’t be filled as there is nothing to file or cut. I think it is because my toe swells up and the nail irritates it. If that isn’t it, I have no other ideas. I hate these new heating pads that shut off after being turned on for like a half hour or so. My thermal socks have disappeared so I can’t even put that on. Going to be a cranky bastard. My mother better not call me today. Can’t deal with her bullshit.

I’ve been in a mood since getting up. I’ve had to take trilafon last night and early this morning as the voices got really bad. I know my psych would flip if she knew I had 3 doses. She doesn’t like the older antipsychotics. I love and hate this drug. I like that it works. I don’t like it wiping out my thoughts as the voices are gone so I can no longer think right. I feel alone when the voices are gone and on edge.

Today was a nice day. Spent some time outside. I really thought about my plan and how it is. Kind of scary that after a year of planning shit all I needed was the thing I am allergic to to complete things. Granted asphyxiation is not really the way to go but my other options are limited. I am not 100% sure it would work. Chance of a rescue is possible. Or I can do it but only if I can talk. Haha. Cause my voice will be the first to go.

Spent most of my time writing in my journal today. Got like 7 pages in as I had woken up at 3 and started then. Nothing much happened just had the writing bug I guess.

Blood pressure was low this morning. An hour later it was normal so I don’t know what happened. Maybe the machine was off. I cancelled all my PT appts. I don’t think there is a point in seeing her again. My back is still going to be a time bomb. Nothing can change that. If anything I am afraid some movement will collapse the disc that is ready to implode. The thought of getting CES (cauda equina syndrome) again and going through recovery doesn’t appeal to me at all. It is a midlevel disc so who knows what may be affected this go round. Have a feeling it is what is causing the increased bladder issues. Might be what is increasing the CRPS pain but not totally sure on that.

Sox are off tonight. They had a 2 game weekend with Phillies. Next will be the Giants. Not that it matters anymore. They aren’t making it to the playoffs, at all. Too far out of the wild card even. Snakes look like they will win 100 games, bastards. Man, I hate them. Least we won’t have to face CC again. Will be sad if Tanaka goes. We can kick his ass still.

Still feeling really bad. Haven’t heard from my psych on her new home yet. Miss seeing her. Got an appt with my neuro next week. Not even sure it is worth it but it is the only way for me to get gaba. None of my other docs will prescribe it for god knows what reasons. So stupid. I could see if it was a scheduled controlled substance like my pain meds but it isn’t. So dumb. Some idiot on twitter was telling me I couldn’t get it anymore because it is addictive. Told him/her to stop with the bullshit and still kept on me about it. Was a CRPS tweeter so ignored the stupidity. Don’t care what they say, gaba is not addictive. Maybe causing dependence but it isn’t addictive. People don’t need higher and higher doses to get “high” off it. And I seriously would love to meet someone that does get high off it because obviously their cocktail of meds is the reason.

Might be posting a few Password protected posts soon. If anyone is interested email me at midnightdemons7 dot blog at gmail dot com or use the contact page and will send you the password.

I found this on FB on the Boston Calendar page. My city. It was taken by the Boston Esplanade. This is the Charles River. I used to walk along the path to Cambridge every Saturday when I was younger. Gave me time to clear my head.

I am so sleepy. I’ve been hearing voices since everything has been so loud. Right now I am hearing a cacophony of noise so I don’t know what they are saying. Meds are making me sleepy so will write more later.

Noise from outside is causing my foot/ankle to go ballistic. I can’t block put the sounds. I don’t even know what to do as this hasn’t happened in a while. I know part of it is because I was up at 0300. I had a hard time going back to sleep and then when I did, I only slept for a little over an hour. My med alarm went off. I should have taken my meds and shut the damn thing off.

I am not suicidal, yet. Pain is manageable right now. It is around an 8. If it goes above that I will take a breakthrough med. Maybe some lorazepam, too. Ankle has been throbbing since I woke up. I feel so out of sorts. Just feeling blah. Keep having to clear my throat but nothing is coming up. It is really irritated. Been drinking fluids but it doesn’t seem to help. Should see if a cough drop will help.

I had a little lunch and feel so fucking bloated like i had a huge meal. I haven’t really been eating and lost 3 lbs in a week. I just keep losing weight because of no fricken appetite. I want to make my chili cornbread casserole dish. I just got to find the energy to go to the store. Not sure how the tyrant (sister) will take to me cooking instead of going through my stuff. Man has got to eat, right?

Hoping to see my therapist this week but may not happen. I am restarting PT for my back this week. My voice finally came back Friday and everyone has said it is deeper than it has been. Think the hot shower I took the other night might have relaxed the muscles in my neck and shoulders enough to let the whatever above my cords be free. Someone in my support group said that that could be it as she went through a bout of laryngitis too while under stress. I don’t know. Just can’t stand walking on eggshells at home. Sets off my PTSD and increases my anxiety.

Haven’t been to Starbucks in a week. Still have my iced coffee but it is not the same as espresso. Probably could use it today but I don’t feel like going out today. Getting dressed would kill me and I know the outing will exhaust me more than the espresso can work. Maybe tomorrow.