Category: depression

Allergies bad today

I haven’t stopped sneezing since I woke up this morning. Pollen is a medium but damn, it hasn’t stopped me from sneezing. I had lunch with my sister. Her work computers are affected by the global outage that is occurring. My PCP’s office is closed. Actually, the hospital is pretty much closed except for Urgent care. I saw an announcement on Bluesky that non-urgent care has been canceled. My sister sent me a text this morning about my bank but nothing has changed with that. I was able to use the app ok.

I feel miserable. My sister who is working from home, treated me to lunch today. I went out and got it. It isn’t that hot out but I sweated like a damn pig. I am glad I took a shower yesterday. I had to after I trimmed my beard as I had hair all over the place and it was uncomfortable. I just took a Benadryl because of the sneezes. Hopefully that will calm things down. I feel rotten and congested.

I was up at my normal midnight demon hours last night. I read a couple chapters in the gender book and then a few of Moby Dick. I am half way through Moby Dick and I think I got three or four chapters left in the gender book. I probably will finish the gender book by this weekend. My hope for working on the Principles of Psychology book has been diminished. I haven’t touched it since the beginning of the month. It’s a huge book. It takes a lot of energy to concentrate on it.

I am going to have to take a nap today. Sox are on the West coast so game is on late. I don’t have high praises for a win because Pivetta is pitching tonight. I still need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I might do that tomorrow. I still have some meds left.

Feeling like a failure

I had a difficult time last night sleeping. I kept tossing and turning. I tried reading for a bit but even that wouldn’t settle me down. I slept for a few hours and then was up when my bladder needed to be emptied. I tried to sleep for a few more hours and couldn’t so got up.

I had my call from DMH worker. It went well. I didn’t tell her about anything bad that happened this week. She is going on vacation next week. I think I will see her a week or so later. I felt utterly useless while talking to her. She thinks I am so amazing and shit and I wonder what the hell drugs she is on. She said I am getting stuff done but I feel like I am not doing a damn thing.  I reached out to a crisis text line. It wasn’t much help. I am still stuck with my indecision of letting my providers know what I have done. I think I am ok medically as I don’t feel any different than I did the beginning of the week. My back is still throbbing at times but it is getting better with not doing anything.

I made hot dogs today again. I then shaved my head and trimmed my beard. I made a mess of myself. I have hair all over my neck. I don’t care. I will take a shower later, soon if I don’t shit myself. I passed gas and then my stomach went all berserk on me. I am afraid to stand up. I think I am ok. I will be getting up soon. I am so tired of struggling with fatigue. All I want to do this week has been to stay in bed, laying down. I haven’t done nothing useful though I did pick up my recycle today. I haven’t brought it down to the bin yet. Supposedly it is going to be cooler tomorrow so maybe then I will. And take my trash out too.

Same shit different day 17072024

I slept fairly well last night. I was expecting to wake up in the middle of the night because I drank so much before bed but I didn’t. I got up around 2. I didn’t see the point in getting up before then. I think I took my meds around 11 and then laid back down. It has been a struggle to do anything today. I managed to get up and have a cup of coffee. Then I made some hot dogs. I haven’t been eating so it’s been hard making meals when you aren’t hungry.

I feel depressed. I got denied financial aid so I am not sure what I am going to do now. I dropped a class so I can at least take one class for the fall. I have the option to appeal but it takes so much effort and nonsense, I am just not going to do it. I am so tired. I feel like shit. Back is still bothering me. I don’t see the NP until next week. She is probably going to say it is musculoskeletal. My book isn’t selling like I had hoped. I still haven’t heard from the library about an event. All of this shit takes effort and I have no energy.

I needed to fill my T bag up with supplies today. I haven’t done it yet. I think when I get paid next week I am going to go to the butcher shop and buy a bunch of burgers so I will have them. I will just freeze what I don’t use. I am so craving a burger it isn’t funny. I keep thinking about the burger I got from a pub down the street. It was perfect. The chicken wings weren’t bad either though they were not as hot as I wanted them.

I just took out some supplies for my bag. I don’t have my shot this week. I feel really bad and kind of suicidal still. I am afraid to tell anyone because I don’t want to end up back in the hospital. It wouldn’t help the situation I am in. I mostly just feel like a useless idiot who can’t get anything done. I need to shower and trim my beard. My beard feels so heavy. It’s not helping with the heat. I really don’t want to be anymore. I just want to die. I feel so tired all the time. I wanted to do some things around my room but I have no fucking energy for it. I feel so useless. I’ve only been up a few hours and need a nap already. This fucking sucks. I had just one cup of coffee today. It was too hot in the kitchen to make another cup. I made an iced tea instead. Someone drank my green tea and I am not happy about it.

Who’s going to hold you like me?

I had a difficult time sleeping last night, again. I woke up several times and then around 330 I really couldn’t sleep. My legs were restless. I had to take an Ativan to get them to calm down. I didn’t take a Latuda last night because I didn’t eat enough yesterday. I have been losing weight because my appetite has decreased. It is wicked hot today, 95/35 degrees and feels like 100. All I did was sweat while I was having my coffee. I feel like shit still.

I brushed my teeth and shaved after I had my coffee. I was trying to find my fusion razor but couldn’t find it. Ugh. I had the blades but not the handle. I just used my Mach3. I need to change the blade next shave. I might take a shower today. But I am really tired so it might just be an idea at this point.

I don’t know what I want to eat. It’s almost 4pm and I haven’t had anything to eat yet. I just am not hungry. I haven’t had much to drink today. I just had one cup of coffee. I have been trying to drink some water but it is slow going.