Category: depression

Saturday Blog 26102024

I got up around 1030. I was tired but I had to get up as my friend with breast cancer was having chemo and I wanted to see her. I had my two cups of coffee and the cake I bought yesterday. Then I went upstairs and packed what I needed. I figured I would do some schoolwork while I was there. I just made it to the bus stop. I was really huffing and puffing when I got there. I was rushing but not that hard. Luckily there was a seat available and I rested while I waited.

I went to the pharmacy to give them my MassHealth card. I figured I would give them the card and then pick up my meds. Nope. They changed things while I was there. I must have been there for a fucking half hour. And the meds I wanted MassHealth to take care of was rejected. I had to pay for. Fuck. I got to the hospital and my friend’s chemo ended. We talked for a bit. She ended up feeling tired. I didn’t keep her as I knew she had a long drive home. I told her to text me when she got home. I gave her a bear hug. I love her so much.

I thought about going to Starbucks to do schoolwork but I didn’t want another coffee. I went home. As I walked, I did get a bit winded. I am going to call my pcp on Monday. Something is wrong. I don’t know what as I am not a respiratory expert but something is off.

I had some leftover lo mein for dinner. I am wicked tired. My sister sent me pics of her Halloween costume and I cracked the fuck up. She is a pregnant nun and my brother in law is a priest. Too fucking funny. I don’t know how I am going to get these notes into my notebook. Maybe tomorrow. I have the beginning of a headache forming. I don’t know if it will turn into a migraine or not. I just know I need my pillow soon. My day is done. I hate that I have become an old man who turns in early.

Tired of migraines

I slept most of the day yesterday. I woke up during the night with a few migraines. I remember taking a naratriptan but I don’t remember the time. I have one pill left to last me till the 30^th. So now I have to go without meds for them. I was really tired today. I misread the notice about the orange line. I thought the shuttles were today and they were for the weekend. I took the cab for nothing. Oh well. Saved me the trouble of walking from North Station. I keep getting out of breath for some reason. I don’t know why and it is for short distances. I don’t know if I should see my pcp or not. The last time I saw her she just said I was deconditioned. But I am going my normal routes. I don’t know. I’m just chucking it off as being overweight.

Grades came in. I got an 86 average right now. My exam grade wasn’t so good. I got a 66. I don’t understand why. I thought I did pretty good on it. I will have to make an appointment with the professor and talk about it. I am pretty upset with myself about it. I have some work to do today that is due. There is a bunch of homework on sensory stuff due in a few weeks. I missed class this whole week so I have no clue what is going on.

I have a headache right now and I hope it doesn’t turn into a migraine. I am really miserable. I met with my DMH worker today. It went really good. I like that I can talk to her about anything and everything. She is just so cool. I told her I really need a therapist as I am struggling. Most days I feel like I am wearing a mask to hide myself. But dealing with chronic pain every day or every other day has been so difficult. It’s so draining. Today was the first time in a week I took a shower. I am growing out my hair as it has been too many days since I last shaved. It is going to be difficult because I like the feel of being bald.

Was any of it true

I slept for a few hours and then was up around 130am and have been up since then. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried to settle down but couldn’t. I went to my appointment and was a little late. I left the house kind of late as I couldn’t get going. I took a cab to the Square as I wanted Starbucks. Luckily there was a fifteen minute grace period and I was just ten minutes late. The NP was good. We went over options and decided to increase the Topamax and if that didn’t decrease the amount of headaches/migraines by the time I saw my neuro in Nov, it might be worth switching the preventable injection to something else.

After the appointment, I went to social security. I found out they did change my gender marker for social security but they didn’t change it for my benefits. Now it is changed but it will be a few weeks for it to take effect. I texted my sister and she said that it is a pain in the ass and it is sometimes a two person process unfortunately. It’s done and now I can get my passport done and “real ID”. I got to go to the RMV site and make an appointment again. I don’t know if I have to have newer bills as it has been a few months since I printed it out. I have to look at it as I don’t even remember when I did.

I came home and rested for a little bit. I was tired and hungry. I waited more than a half hour for the bus home. I should have Ubered home or something. It was my fault as I forgot to change the direction of the bus route and it was the wrong time I was looking at. I checked the pharmacy before the bus came and it wasn’t ready. I still have like three to be filled tomorrow so I will pick up everything tomorrow. I priced what was ready and I nearly died. My blood pressure med and the Topamax alone is $50. Add the Latuda and it’s $75. I still have 5 other meds to get that are anywhere between 2 to thirteen bucks, which means this month’s meds are going to be over $100. I am going to use MassHealth because I can’t afford it. I just got to bring my card to the pharmacy tomorrow before class so that they can redo everything and the med that are to be filled so that after class I can pick them up. I don’t know how much it will cost me but I know it won’t be $100.

I finished off the pizza I bought yesterday. I took down two bags of recycle. I got at least another three in my room. I’ve been eating Reese’s pumpkins. But I am so full of pizza I can’t eat anymore. I plan on watching the Netflix documentary of the 2004 Red Sox. I am probably going to cry all through it. I cried during the trailer. I need to take a shower but I have run out of spoons again. Maybe tomorrow before I leave the house. I will try and get up early.

Walkaway Joe

I didn’t go to class today because I was dealing with a headache all night and then around class time, the headache returned. I feel like shit. The return label box came for my Holter monitor so I ordered pizza and a slice of calzone from my favorite pizza place. I was bummed to find out that they don’t have half pizzas anymore. Just small pizzas. I didn’t want that but whatever. As I was walking to the post office, I was out of breath and got wicked fatigued really quick. By the time I picked up the pizza and was making the walk home, I was really pushing it. I was so out of breath I had to stop a few times. My legs were hurting me. I have no idea why. I have done this walk more than a thousand times and never felt this way. I don’t know if it is because I had the headache that I just was fatigued a lot faster or what. I am glad I didn’t trek into Boston.

After I ate, I tried working on the schoolwork with my head pounding and feeling wicked tired. I see the neuro NP tomorrow morning. I hope she has some answers for me or at least can help me. I plan on going to the social security office afterwards. I might as well. I will be in the area. I have nothing else to do tomorrow.

I need to shave and shower but haven’t made an effort to do either yet. I might just shower. I don’t know. I have no energy. I don’t have to worry about dinner because I didn’t touch the pizza. The calzone slice was way bigger than I was expecting and I ate it all. I am still full from it. I don’t know if I will eat it. I still have the steak from Friday. I am so tired. I slept alright despite waking up a few times during the night. I did wake up from a dream about my mother that lead to a headache. It went away on its own and I was able to get back to sleep. My foot was itchy during the night and I took some skin off the top of my foot. I just bought some new sneakers and wearing them hurt. Actually, wearing any type of footwear hurts. Damn open skin. I would put a bandaid on it but I know it will just come off.

Indian summer is happening the last few days. Temps have been in the 70s past few days. It has been nice. Hope it stays this way for a while.