Category: depression

I’ve been battling grief and post nasal drip all day. I almost forgot to blog. I’ve just not wanted to do anything today. I bombed quiz 2 in my psych class. I am mad at myself. Tomorrow I have advising and therapy. I’ve been sad most of the day, think of one or both of my parents. Days like today make me glad the one prayer I asked God for was to be an adult when my parents passed. I asked for this because my parents were older than my friends parents.

I’ve been up since 6am. I tried sleeping but failed. I’ve just been lazy today.

Saturday Blog 09032024

I spent the entire afternoon reading 24 pages of this Anthro article that said salmon was a cult in some Indian culture that I forgot the name of. It was about the giving and receiving of gifts and my god are some cultures weird. The next couple of readings (each at least 20 pages long) all deal with gifts of some sort. Then one of the readings deals with racism. I am not looking forward to that reading.

My right calf has been bothering me all day. It feel tight but every time I try and stretch it, it hurts. I just took a muscle relaxer. I have been taking it nearly around the clock the past few days. Thurs I had some of the awful chest cramps before class and still feel tight.

Quiz 2 in psych is still not up for grades. And chapt 3 isn’t either. Weird that 4 and 5 have been graded but not 3. I did poorly on 4 and 5. I don’t remember what chapter 3 was about. I am not going to read psych until the end of next week. I have to get through the Anthro readings because I am behind. I also need to do the observe assignment. I wish I could take my laptop to Starbucks so I can read these articles than stay in my room. I need to get a new battery so I can travel with it. Even though I should probably replace this as it takes forever to login.

I finally have the game on the Audacy app. Listening to the game today. They are playing in the Dominican Republic. It has been a mix of wins and losses so far but I am not worried as the games don’t really count as it is spring training.

I slept pretty good. I took a trazodone around midnight because my anxiety was high and I wasn’t sure I would get to sleep. I ate a lot today. I am planning on making an egg burrito. I am hoping there is hot sauce in the cabinet. The Frank’s Red Hot stuff I bought was more like a sweet sauce than a hot sauce. I was disappointed but it went good with the chicken nuggets I bought. I might get some more on Monday when my SNAP check comes in. I am going to try and read one more article before bed and listen to the lectures.

Baby kiss it better…Book Announcement II

My book is live for pre-orders!! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWYKQ435?ref_=pe_93986420_775043100

It’s only available as an e-book for right now. It will be available in paperback when I finish editing it. Release date is June 14. I wanted to give myself some time after the semester ended to work on my edits. I am so excited.

I had a difficult time getting up today and didn’t make it to my blood donation appointment. I just wanted to sleep in. I wanted to work on my Anthro today but I just need a break right now. I will work on it tomorrow. I might go to Starbucks and sit for a while to observe people. I have no idea what I am doing. I started writing a word doc and stopped after a few sentences. I thought about it some more last night but I wasn’t getting anywhere. My anxiety has been through the roof the past couple of days. I haven’t been able to relax.

I took a shower today and shaved off my beard. I wanted to groom but couldn’t do it. Some other day. It’s cool in my room. I was so fricken stinky. I sweat again last night which made it worse. I think it might be hormones that is causing me to sweat so much. I also have been really hungry today. I have been eating small meals. I had ramen noodles for dinner. I might have chimichangas later. I have two left.

My back is hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything to annoy it other than showering. My back always hurts after I shower. It will cramp like crazy but this is my lower back and I don’t know why it is bothering me. It’s cold in my room so maybe the muscles are cold. I don’t know.

I texted my therapist the other day and she never responded. I hate when she doesn’t fucking respond to my questions. She can be a real bitch sometimes. I see her Monday. I have an appointment with advising in the morning. I just hope I remember and don’t sleep through it. I should be up for it as it is not too early in the morning. I have two classes picked up for Tues/Thurs. Unfortunately, the time in between classes is like two hours. Nothing I can do about that. I think I have Eng first as I am taking a US distribution class so a lot of reading as it is on six American authors. I hope it is interesting.

My damn foot is frozen again. I slept with a sock on all night. It helped. Luckily, I didn’t get nerve pain like I usually do. Tomorrow I plan on reading Anthro all day. I am a week behind because I spent all my time with psych the past week. Spring break is next week so I won’t be traveling to campus. I just plan on doing Anthro work and reading chapters 5 and 6 in psych.

I have been feeling numb along with feeling anxious the past few days. I don’t know why my anxiety is so fricken high. I am not usually an anxious person. I am glad I have Ativan though. It helps to sort me out and clear my thinking, especially when I am triggered with PTSD. I try not to take it all the time, usually just at night with my night meds so I can sleep without too much trouble. Last night I went to sleep before 8pm and woke up around midnight. I had to pee so I did and then had a hard time getting back to sleep again. I read some of my psych book until I just couldn’t concentrate on it anymore. I still am not done with the chapter. It’s like 30 pages long.

Therapy and crisis?

I had therapy today and we talked about my black and white thinking about suicide. She boiled it all down to me not getting externally validated and then becoming suicidal. I thought about how I could validate myself but I would have to look it up as I don’t remember. I looked it up a few months ago, I can’t remember if it was because of a BPD chat or therapy. I don’t think I saved the search. I just feel like a nobody and said so. She said I was ableist in my thinking. I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I was listening to the song Enchanted the other night and I felt a pang as it reminded me of the time I was at the AAS meeting and I felt like I belonged with these people. I wanted to spend my career as a suicidologist. I have gotten slightly off track because of my education but I still have been following best I can the research.

Anyway, this has given me a kind of crisis and I want to shave my head. I have been thinning on top for a while and even though I have been trying to get it to grow longer, hair keeps falling out. I took a selfie after my shower the other day and you can see male pattern baldness. My hair isn’t as thick as it was. I have been flirting with the idea of shaving it off but I honestly don’t like how I look when it’s like that and then when it grows, it just gives me dysphoria. And then it takes forever to grow back. The top is a mess and I honestly don’t know what to do with it. I mostly been wearing ball caps when I go out just so I don’t have to do my hair.

It’s cool today and my room temp has dropped. It’s kind of chilly. I might have to wear a long sleeve shirt soon. I tried to read Anthro today but with the construction going on, it was next to impossible. I got to put some more thought into my observation assignment. I have no idea what exactly I will be doing. It’s got to be 1250 words and I need to use references from class. Ugh. Did I mention I hate this class?? I got two classes in the fall I am hoping to take. For some reason I thought I needed 15 credits and it is actually 45, which is about 15 classes, I guess. I am going to have to take a summer course so I can graduate in the spring of whenever, though I don’t know because the language classes are 4 credits. I am just anxious and my pdoc canceled my appointment for next week. Now I won’t see him for another month. I haven’t seen him since Jan. Too long in between visits. I hate it. I hope I can get my butt to class tomorrow. I have been having anxiety about leaving the house. I honestly don’t remember the last time I left the house. I think it was when I went to the ED on Friday because I was short of breath. I still got this mother of a cough that refuses to go away. I had to take the cough suppressant and Robitussin to quiet it somewhat for therapy.