Category: depression

August and everything after

Since yesterday, I have been listening to the Counting Crows, August and everything after album. My friend posted lyrics from one of the songs and I had to listen. Now I am stuck listening to them. I can’t stop. Such a good album.

I did my observation assignment today. Now I just got to type it up. I wrote a page worth of notes. That with my questions/proposal should hopefully be around 800 words. I think the minimum was 750. I am going to have someone read it before I post it on the site.

It took a LOT for me to get out of bed today. I had a hard time sleeping last, again. I am so tired. I got up to pee and then just went back to bed. I think I had coffee before taking my meds. I honestly don’t remember the morning but the dreams I had were so fucking weird and gave me headaches, which just made me want to stay in bed. I knew I had to do my assignment today or it just wasn’t going to get done. I took my time getting ready, though. I had a bologna sandwich and coffee before leaving the house. I tried the new lavender latte and didn’t like it at all. I think the lavender would be a good tea though, not a coffee.

I came home and was tired. I wanted to get some burgers but was too lazy to walk to the butcher shop and back. I might go tomorrow after I meet with my friend. She is coming to Boston to meet me. She is bringing her doggie. I can’t wait to meet him. I just hope the rain holds off. It is still at like 50% right now. The temps are supposed to be in the 50s so it should be nice if the rain holds off.

I don’t think since this morning. I think I had two cups of coffee and half a one at Starbucks. I drank half a Gatorade when I came home. I have no urge to pee. I always get worried when it has been more than six hours since my last void. I need to wash out my water bottle before refilling it. There wasn’t much in there, maybe a couple of ounces. I haven’t had to cath in over a year and I want to keep it that way. Only trouble is I don’t quite remember when I got up to pee, if it was 9 or 11. I hate having to keep track of these things. At least my loose bowels have stopped. I didn’t take the senna or magnesium last night and didn’t tonight either because I will be going out tomorrow and I don’t want to have to rush to find a bathroom.

I need to see the TA for my psych class because there are some concepts I am not understanding that will be on the exam. I did so poorly on the quiz I am worried. I still am two chapters behind. I don’t know when I will read the book as I still haven’t read the Anthro stuff and I am behind on those readings, too. I am just overwhelmed right now and this bout of insomnia is not helping as I feel like shit in the morning.

Sneeze attacks and insomnia

I was up all night again. I couldn’t sleep. I woke up around midnight and it was over. I tried sleeping, reading, writing, taking an Ativan. Nothing got me back to sleep. I woke up after maybe two hours of weird dreaming and feel like shit. I had to use the bathroom. Someone was in my bathroom so I went to use my sister’s. I didn’t take senna or magnesium last night because my bowels have been loose. I crapped again loose bowels as I peed. I don’t know if it is stress or what that is giving me the loose bowels but I hate it because I can’t feel it. It can lead to accidents if I fart. So I have been scared to fart the past couple of days.

After I finished my business in the bathroom, I made coffee. I realized half way through the cup that I didn’t take my meds. I started sneezing in the kitchen and omg. I couldn’t stop. I finished my coffee and went upstairs and sneezed some more. I have been sneezing for almost an hour already.

The construction guys are out there doing work. My head is ready to cave in. I got a pain in the back of my head. I don’t know if it is a migraine or not. Pain is behind my ear. I think I might have pulled a muscle with all the damn sneezing. It’s slightly warm today. I want to go to the Square and do my research for my Anthro class but I need to shower very bad. I stink and I sweated some more last night. I was hot in my room for a while.

I started writing about my therapy problem in my journal. I don’t know if I want to go back to her but I have no one else, really. It was on my brain most of the night that I had to change in order for me to work with her. I hate myself and I don’t know why. I just do. Her telling me this is all on me and no one else really got to me. I don’t know if she is blaming me for the depression or my thoughts. It bugs me so much. I like kind of want to make an appointment with her but then I know I will want to cancel it. I hate these ambivalent feelings. Just sucks.

I finally showered but didn’t groom like I wanted to. I felt like if I was going to shower, I was going to shower. I didn’t have the energy to groom. It takes a lot of spoons. After my shower, I threw a pot pie in the oven and made a cup of coffee. I only had one cup when I got up around 1. I needed a second cup to get me through the day. I might have another cup with my pot pie. I don’t know though as it is after 5 now.

I’m the problem, it’s me

I had therapy today and I just didn’t want to talk. She started early and things just got worse. I just couldn’t think of anything I wanted to say or talk about. I didn’t make an appointment for next week. She was ok with this. Before ending, she said that this was all about me. All I could think about was Taylor’s song “I’m the problem it’s me”.

I took a nap after therapy. I was up most of the night due to insomnia and pain. My foot acted up just as I laid down around 8 last night and then after I put a sock on to warm it up, it got really painful when it was warm. I kept the sock on because I knew the temp of my foot would go down again. It was hurting this morning when I woke up. I got up about a half hour before I was to have my advising appointment. That lasted literally five minutes. She was telling me the psych class I want to take in the fall is changing to a 200 level so I might have problems registering. I hope not. I want to take classes on Tue/Thurs next fall. I will just pick another class if it doesn’t fit my schedule.

I wanted to read psych today and I think I am going to do it after I take my night meds. All I had to eat today was Ben and Jerry’s cherry Garcia and some Cheetos puffs. I’m not really hungry today and I am stressed out over therapy.

Last night I looked at a different dental place to possibly get my teeth extracted because they are broken. I got a call this morning. I wasn’t in the mood to talk today so I will call tomorrow for an appointment. I’m getting tired of my tongue hurting because it keeps brushing against the broken tooth.