Category: depression

Just a day of pain

I was dreaming something when my med alarm to remind to take my antibiotic went off. I took it and had to use the bathroom so did. The dream was still on my mind when I fell back asleep. I kept dreaming I had to go to the lab and each time I got close, something made the journey longer, either a closed elevator or someone started talking to me. I was walking all over the hospital and felt like I was going in circles. Then I came home for lunch as it was just a few blocks to my house (reality, the hospital is 5 miles away from me). I made something to eat and ate my glasses. My mother needed something so I gave it to her then realized I switched something so had to redo it. Then I went back to the hospital. Such a weird dream.

Luckily, I didn’t wake up with a migraine. I was just wicked tired. I forced myself to get up after the last alarm went off for the antibiotic again. I took my meds and then made some coffee. I didn’t eat anything. My head was starting to hurt. My tooth also was hurting so I took some ibuprofen. I feel like I have been living off them the past two weeks. I had an appointment with the social worker today. It went well. By then the headache and tooth had calmed down. I made a pot pie for lunch. I also showered and shaved before the appointment. I made another cup of coffee while waiting for the pot pie to heat up. It was good. I think the smaller pies have more chicken in them than the larger ones.

As I was eating, my tooth flared up because of the hot food. I need to get these teeth out so I won’t be in pain. I am stressing out over my finances for next week. I have to get my suit and groceries. I don’t know if I can do both. I also have a meal thing that I ordered and it is too late to cancel it. I was quoted one price but the app is telling me a different one. No matter as I don’t have the funds right now anyway. Not sure if my check will be deposited tomorrow or Monday. I got a text message from my pharmacy saying my meds were ready. This is why I hate autorefills. I don’t get paid till next week and one script I need to call about because they refilled the wrong one. I canceled the order but I don’t know if I can order the right one.

I am tired despite sleeping through most of the night. It kept on being interrupted at 9 when my med alarm kept going off. Today is a high pollen count and my sinuses are killing me. I sneezed quite a few times this morning. I keep having to clear my throat, which is now irritated. It’s cool out and not humid. It has been in the high 60s most of the week. I will take it. I haven’t run my AC all week, which is nice.

I have two days of antibiotics left. I hate having to take it multiple times a day. It sucks. I am busy next week so I won’t be able to contact the dental surgeon for my teeth. I don’t know when I will get around to it. Maybe next month when my finances look a little better. I wish I could have a part-time job. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about money and be broke after two weeks.

Not feeling well

Past four days I have been having palpitations and extreme fatigue, more than just my normal amount. I just came back from doing some errands and I am wicked tired. I was only out for about an hour and walked around a bit. The grocery store I went to was fucking bigger than I thought it was. I got some chicken wings for lunch. It was fantastic. The last three pieces were spicy and I loved it. I wish I could make wings like that but I suck at things like this. Every time I try making them with BBQ sauce, the sauce doesn’t stay on the wings.

I am waiting for a callback from my pcp’s office about the palpitations. I was having some chest pain while waiting for the cab home. I hope I don’t have to go to the ED again. I got a wicked migraine last night that refused to go away. I had to take my two migraine meds and some Excedrin to force it away. Then I woke up from a very strange dream where I was in the process of being hospitalized because I overdosed again. I had a psychiatrist yell at me and then went to the café to have food and a beer. It was just wicked strange.

I called the therapy place and was told it could be a month or two before being seen by someone. This is much better than waiting till Dec!! I am kind of relieved. I still have the consult next week and I meet with the social worker that works with my pcp this week. I am kind of nervous meeting with him because I didn’t go to partial like I told him. My insurance doesn’t cover virtual visits anymore, which sucks.

I went to look for a suit for my niece’s wedding coming up and I couldn’t find one my size. Everything was either too big or too tight. I don’t know why everything was fucking slim, like don’t you know bigger sized people need suits too?? Fuck. Now I got to go to the store north of Boston, which means my sister needs to take me as I don’t have a car. I have no idea how I am going to afford it. Prices were like 200 bucks for a suit. I won’t be able to make my month Amazon purchase this month. I also need to cut back on my grocery expenses. Ugh, I am worrying about my finances. I get paid next week so need to figure things out. I also need to have money so I can get my teeth removed.

Last night my cousin called me. She wants me to visit so I called my other cousin and we are going to go on Monday. I have such a busy week next week. Sunday is my niece’s shower. Mon cousin. Tues Ball game, Thurs DMH case worker. Wed consultant. Sat is my cousin’s birthday. I don’t know if we are doing anything for her yet. I haven’t heard anything. Mon is also the anniversary of when I overdosed two years ago. I still remember how psychotic I was and I am still struggling with all of that.

I am so pissed my MP2 Player on my phone does work anymore. Stupid task manager keeps shutting it off and I don’t know the setting to make it stop. I had to use the Samsung music app, which is ok but I don’t have my playlists made and it would be a pain to remake them all.

The nurse from my pcp’s office called me. She reassured me I am not having cardiac issues, though if the palpitations continue, I might go on like a two week monitor again. She did encourage me to use Ativan for these episodes. Only problem is that I just got my refill and I am running low right now. I didn’t realize I was using so much.

I am listening to Taylor’s album Lover because she has been singing a song I am not familiar with at her concerts in London. I love that she has donated money to food banks around England that really helped some for the year and more. She is so generous. I hate the hate she is getting because she is a billionaire now and some people have called her “greedy”. She earned every cent she made. She is such a wonderful person. I love her always and forever.

Boring day

Same as usual, I woke up at 4 to pee and had a difficult time getting back to sleep. I swear I must have fallen asleep an hour before my med alarm went off. I should have changed it. I stayed in bed for a couple of hours before getting up. I made coffee. Then went to my room for a bit before making lunch. The weather had intermittent rain so I didn’t go out. It had gotten sunny and I was hopeful but then it got really dark so I didn’t chance it. I need to go look for a suit for my niece’s wedding. I am hoping to go tomorrow. I just realized there is a grocery store in the mall so I can take a cab there. I think I have a couple vouchers left. Yes, this will be good.

I had a couple more cups of coffee with my lunch. Then I did some things on the web that needed to get done. It left me with a damn headache. I have been taking ibuprofen around the clock for my tooth. Today was the first time in a week where hot coffee didn’t bother me. I called the dentist to have them change my street address as they have it spelled wrong. That was the only phone call I was up to making. I still need to call the therapy place. Maybe tomorrow.

I set up an appointment with therapist that does consultation work. I am trying to see if she can help with the dreams and migraines. She does dream work so maybe she can help.

My headache just turned into a full migraine. An engine just came by and I thought my head was going to explode from the sirens. I took a dose of the new migraine med. It helped the other day when I took it. No real side effects. I am running out of gas. Three cups of coffee today and I have nothing to account for it. I wanted to read my textbook today but it hasn’t happened yet. I ate way too many tater tots and I am so full right now. I am glad we have eggs so I can make pancakes tomorrow. I hope I remember the recipe more accurately than the last time I tried making them. I was sort of winging it and forgot the oil and sugar. They were kind of dry and didn’t taste good the next day.

Just found out my neighbor had her knee surgery. I’ll probably stop over tomorrow.