Category: depression

Saturday Blog 02122023

I’ve been up since 0630. I woke up to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep even though I tried. I gave up around 0930 and had coffee. I thought about making pizza but it was too early. I had two cups of coffee and by then I decided to make pizza. I don’t know if my tooth was already starting to crumble but the crust broke one of my teeth further so now I have a sharp edge on both sides of my tongue on my lower jaw. Fucking fuck. Some pizza got stuck in my tooth where it was broken and then fell apart when I tried to get it out. I am so fucking frustrated. I just want the teeth gone at this point. I don’t think I can save them. I had sent messages to the two dental schools in the area but I haven’t heard back. I also have to call on Mon the dental office at the hospital I go to to see if they received my images so I can make an appointment for my teeth to be extracted. I just sipped some water and I swear it was like drinking alcohol. It stung and now my tooth hurts because it was cold water. My room is cold so makes my drinks cold as well.

I don’t remember where I left off with the therapy saga but I texted my therapist saying that if we are ended to kindly send me a referral to someone else. She responded that she hasn’t given up, which would have fucking been nice to know at the beginning of the session rather than opening with that she was in supervision about me. I don’t really want to see her again but I made an appointment with her for Mon. It’s in the morning and I already set two alarms to get up so I can at least have one cup of coffee. I am going to need it as I am not a morning person.

I was clearing off my bed yesterday to change my sheets and found a piece of mail that was thicker than it usually is. I opened it and it was a notice saying that I will be double billed for the month of Dec for Dec and Jan premium for my health insurance. This on top of my checking account already being overdrawn sent me into a fucking meltdown. I texted my sister who then called me. She said she would give me some money for my birthday and I told her no. She already has done so much for me this year financially that I don’t want to take anymore money from her. I still owe her $40. I was planning on getting someone a gift the Yankee swap but I just can’t afford it. I have a birthday party tonight and will have just $30 left for the month. I will need to get more half and half eventually and it isn’t cheap anymore. Nothing is. I am fucking flustered and with still not knowing about college expenses and wanting to get my book done next year, I am just a nervous wreck. I still need to write at least 20 or so pages. I also need to somehow come up with $500 for the editor. Fuck.

Last night I read the suicidality piece I have been working on and I think it is some good writing. I just don’t know what the fuck to do with it. Sure I can post it on my blog but my reader traffic hasn’t been good lately and this is too important to me. I could put it in the book as I wrote about how the suicidality and being trans is intertwined. I would have to make some changes to the document to make it fit in. I hate doing it because of the formatting involved. I am still waiting for a therapist friend to give me feedback on it. Then I will decide what to do with it. For now it will sit in my phone and thumb drive as is until then.

Went out finally

I woke up and didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sleep all day. But I had to get my meds. I had a cup of coffee and some biscuits. I brushed my teeth before going back to my room. I was feeling like crap yesterday so never did it. I am growing my beard out but I might shave my head. I made an appointment with the barber for Friday. I have a birthday party to go to Sat and I don’t want my hair to be messy like it is right now.

I got dressed and then went to the bus stop. It was cold but I didn’t feel like wearing a jacket so I just grabbed another lighter jacket and wore my hoodie. I was warm. I got to the bus stop and thankfully there was a place to sit. I waited for the bus as I listened to Taylor’s 1989 TV. I saw on Instagram she release You’re Losing Me on streaming. I love this song. It gives me the feels every time I hear it. She is releasing her movie on her birthday in a few weeks.

I went to the ATM when I got to the Square. I wanted to buy a drink and was debating on getting a birthday card for my uncle. I got the drink and went to get my meds. I didn’t like the selection of cards so I figured I would go to the other store on the way home. I waited for the bus home. I was starting to feel tight in my chest. I was coughing and but didn’t bring my inhaler. I waited it out. It got worse on the way home. I got a card at the store and then went home. I was breathing ok but was coughing up stuff. I made something to eat and then used my inhaler. I feel better now. I got a headache.

I sent my psychiatrist a message about therapy. I don’t want to be in therapy anymore. I don’t know what the point of it is anymore. I’m not sure what my goals are, if any. Apparently talking about my suicidality and trauma isn’t enough like I thought it was. Maybe things have changed and therapists don’t do long term therapy anymore. I have had it going from therapist to therapist, not really getting the help that I feel I need. I thought seeing a CBT/DBT therapist was what I needed. The literature said this and I have been disappointed yet again. I don’t know anymore. Maybe it is me and I am really hopeless and no one has the fucking balls to tell me.

Blank Space

Yesterday I had therapy. It didn’t go well at all. She told me she was in supervision as she didn’t know what to do with me. She doesn’t know how to help me as the suggestions she has made, I have refused. The suggestions were to go to partial hospital and join a support group. I have joined a few support groups. I don’t think partial will help me so I haven’t gone. I was getting upset and she knew it. I told her how intertwined the suicidality and being trans is and she still did not get it. I told her I wanted someone to hear my pain and she went off. I was in my own world by this point and just ended the conversation. I don’t think I will be going back to her. All I can think about is the song Blank Space. She looked like my next mistake and she didn’t want to play. I have a blank space baby, I’ll write your name.

She felt that I wasn’t going anywhere in therapy and because of this she felt ethically obligated to tell me this. I knew then that she and I weren’t going to last. I told her yesterday how I avoided a meltdown when I started feeling super depressed and she didn’t give me any kind of praise whatsoever. I am going to swing not going to therapy for a while. It is the holiday season and people will be taking vacations and such. It will be hard to see a new therapist. I am not sure I want to anyways.

I feel defeated that I have lost yet another therapist.

I have done nothing the past two days. I need to get my meds and just can’t get going. I will try tomorrow. I didn’t sleep too good last night. I woke up around midnight and didn’t fall back to sleep until 530. I woke up tired and didn’t feel like doing anything. I ordered some food because I didn’t feel like cooking. I got the stuff I ordered from Amazon. Some of it is going to my transgender program. I will bring it with me when I go next month.

Short goals

I wanted to do three things today and that was to shower, blog, and work on my book somehow. I was going over it last night and it was painful. I managed to shower and brush my teeth. I didn’t shave as it was too much for me today. I had to do things small. I made myself something to eat and had my sister’s corn chowder which was very good.

I am in the throws of depression hell. I am trying to avoid the fall into suicidal abyss. Nothing really set me off. I woke up feeling depressed and it just got worse as the day grew on. I am not thinking about anything in particular. I just feel morose.

I got some feedback about my book and it was that the transition should be living your best life. I don’t know what that is or what it looks like. I am not there yet. I am still struggling to be comfortable in my own body. Last night I was reading the rest of Henry Adams and my stomach just felt so heavy. It felt like I had something hard under my diaphragm. All I had to eat yesterday was the turkey sandwich and stuffing. I didn’t eat anything else.

I wanted something chocolate so I had my Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie. I ate the whole pint. It was so good. I just took my night meds. I also set my alarms for tomorrow as my therapy appointment is at 11. I don’t want to oversleep. I slept through our appointment once and I don’t want to do it again.