Category: depression

Saturday Blog 25112023

I have been sneezing since I got up this morning. I don’t know why. I know my last sneeze attack is because someone sprayed something strong scented and I am reacting to it. Whatever it is, candle or something else, is a mystery until I go downstairs. I am surprised my sister didn’t say something when she came up the stairs. I wish I could put my fan on or have the window open but it’s like 28 degrees out and a balmy 68 in my room. I am already feeling chilly and I am too stubborn to put on my long sleeve shirt.

I had two cups of coffee and then brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I didn’t shave my face because I want to grow a goatee again and I am finding it hard to keep the stubble. I might grow a beard again. I don’t know. Facial hair is nice but can be a pain because my face gets itchy. I find that it doesn’t when I am clean shaven. And I like it so it is going to be a challenge not to shave it off when doing my head. I am not sure when I will be see the barber next. I have been keeping it pretty short so there is nothing for him to cut really. I am sure the back of my head is crooked but I don’t care.

I priced my textbook for next semester and it is fricken over $100. So far, only one class has a book and I hope I don’t have to print stuff for the online class. It is an anthropology class so I am sure there is a ton of notes. I remember the one anthro class I took I had to make a bibliography and it was before I knew about EndNote so I did it by hand. Torture. We had to have ten sources for a paper. I don’t remember if it was our finals or not. It was just a pain. I got to relearn EndNote as I don’t remember how to create a new bibliography. It has been a while. I just have one that is all my suicide research papers and books. I’m excited that I am going back to college. I just really hope financial aid comes through or I am going to be paying UMB until I retire.

I wanted to pick up my prescriptions and have a coffee and read at Starbucks but I couldn’t get going today to save my life. I got hungry around the time I should have been leaving but I wanted stuffing so bad. I made a turkey sandwich and had stuffing with pumpkin pie for dessert. There was a cold breeze blowing in the window and I just said fuck it to go out. I’ll go Mon after therapy.

I am glad my toothache finally went away. I had pain from Wed night till last night. It was horrible. I thought it was the tooth I need a root canal on but then my bottom jaw started hurting whenever I drank something cold or hot or had food that was hot or cold. Then both upper and lower jaw were hurting and so I just took some ibuprofen. I bought ice cream but am scared to eat it. I was craving it. I bought pizza and my usual Velveeta mac and cheese meals. I just hope my niece doesn’t eat them. She already had one of my ramen noodles. Ugh. I don’t mind but I am on a fixed budget and what I buy needs to last a while.

Thanksgiving 2023

We had Thanksgiving over my niece’s house for the first time. It was good. The food was excellent. I had one plate of food and way too many desserts. I am stuffed. I thought it was really late as it was so dark outside but it was only 6pm. My nephew made a brief appearance before he just left. I am not sure where he went as he wasn’t home when we came home. He was upset as this is the first holiday without my mother. I have had a few sad moments throughout the day.

I have had a toothache since last night. It has been hurting all day today. I have taken some meds for it but it keeps coming back. I know I need a root canal for it. Just sucks that I can’t afford it right now.

I ordered groceries for tomorrow. They didn’t have my flavor of Gatorade for two weeks so I am doing without. I was able to order Powerade so I have that. I am trying to drink more water but it is hard. I bought water so I can fill my water bottle for my room.

I am tired from things. I read another two chapters last night in my Henry Adams book. I should be finished with it this week, maybe tonight. I am at like 90% read so I am close to being done. I am reading it on my Kindle so I don’t know how many more pages I have left. I don’t know what I am going to read next.

Thanksgiving Eve 2023

I didn’t want to get up today but I had to make the butternut squash. I decided to order Starbucks. I had no more coffee in the house so I ordered that, too. I sent off my Amazon order. Now I just wait for things to clear from my account which won’t happen until next week because tomorrow is a holiday. They might clear Friday but I am not sure.

My therapist friend was kind enough to say she would like to read my suicidality thing. I don’t know where I will post it. Probably when I have her feedback sometime next week. I sent a text off to my therapist. I basically asked whether I would ever not be suicidal while being my true self.

I am debating on ordering Chinese food for tonight. I’ve been wanting Kung Pao chicken for a while now. I just want something spicy with rice. I managed to shave and brush my teeth. I posted a pic without my glasses. I think I look better without them. But I can’t see clearly without them.

My eye seems to be a little bit better. It still gets irritated quite easily if I try and get the eye gook out of my eye in the morning. I have the appointment next week and hope there is something to be done about it. I slept pretty good even though I ended up reading for an hour when I couldn’t go back to sleep at 1. I am hoping to be done with this book this week.

I’m missing my mother. She would be making cookies and the stuffing tonight for tomorrow. Last year she totally forgot about it so I just had the whole pan to myself the next day. I love her stuffing. This year my sister is making a cornbread stuffing and even though I objected to her putting in sausage, she is going to. I don’t like stuffing with meat. Stove Top has a good cornbread stuffing I like. It is hard to find sometimes. I love their original though. I can eat the whole box and have once.

I had therapy today. I wasn’t sure how I was going to wake up for it but I slept through most of the night ok. I did wake up a few times with headaches but was able to get back asleep.

Things were going great in therapy until she brought up my suicidality. I tried telling her how much it was tied to me being trans and I don’t think she was getting me. It was like she thought my suicidality was separate. Anyways I told her stuff she wanted to hear. I also told her I am trying to be more mindful when I start spiraling down. Sometimes I am able to catch myself and other times it isn’t as easy. I was getting a headache half way through. It was a dull headache. I needed coffee. I only had one cup before therapy.

I think I am going to post my suicidality thing here. I don’t know what else to do with it. I thought we were done talking about my suicidality in therapy but she still wants me to talk about it. It is hard because I am not in a suicidal mind. I vaguely thought about my plan. No one knows about it. I’d like to keep it that way. I have to learn to like myself more. I’m not sure I can. I still don’t like my body. But I know I can’t starve myself to lose the weight I need to. I care but I don’t. I just got to try and not gain more.