Category: depression

So appreciated at my house…not

My sister has this obsession with my door being closed and I don’t like it. Not one bit. So I have been moving my niece’s furniture and blocking her door. Today she barges into my room to call me an idiot, asshole, bitch. How is your day going?

I got some much needed sleep last night around the 8^th inning of the ballgame. There is something about listening to Joe Costig that always calms me down. Sox were leading 5-2 in the 8^th and won 6-3. I wasn’t up for that part of the game. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up till the game was over. I had to pee but I didn’t stay up too long. I was so tired.

I woke up early today beginning at 0400. Then I was up nearly every hour. I took my morning meds around 0630 to shut of the alarm. I didn’t have my glasses on and turned off the wrong alarm. I turned on the cath alarm so I would be up around 0930 to have breakfast. I had a bowl of cereal and then made coffee but my sister made me so damn nervous, I left the coffee downstairs. After she swore at me, we haven’t spoken a word since. I sent her a text asking her if she mentalizes or does she just think about herself? But never got a response. She probably has me blocked.

I had texted my barber last night because I lost the website for his booking thing. I was contemplating getting my haircut or growing it out. I was liking the curls in the back of my head. All gone now. I got a two all around rather than a 0. I still look bald in front but it isn’t as noticeable. Now I have to shower again. Just as well as I am all sweaty. After the haircut I went to Starbucks for something to eat and get my mocha. I saved the lemon loaf for tomorrow and I hope no one fucking eats it. I finished the chapter I was reading in BATA and then tried to read the next one which dealt with CBT. I don’t know what the fuck it is with this therapy but soon as I try and get into it, the language changes to Greek and I can’t understand a word of it. I started to take notes so I could bring it to my therapist when I realized I have no idea what the hell they are saying. They talked about suicide mode but didn’t define it, which was frustrating. Then they went to Beck’s work and I got totally lost. I couldn’t focus anymore.

I had passed some gas and then it was getting uncomfortable. I didn’t know if I was going to shit or pass gas so I just packed up my stuff and caught the bus home. I came home just in time to release my bowels for the second time today. Fun. Luckily I didn’t soil myself. I was sweating and needed to cool off so when I was finished with the bathroom, I went up to my room to cool off.

Another insomnia night

I woke up around 2 to pee and that was it. I was up for the night. It is not around 0530 and I am having coffee and just had breakfast of oatmeal. It was good. Bitch sister did something with the pyrex cup that I use to measure the water for the oatmeal. God only knows what she did with it.

We got into another argument last night. I was sick of her closing my door so I moved my niece’s furniture to block her door. She called me an immature asshole. Then she barged into my room yelling at me to clean my room. My mother was wondering what was going on so she said that “her daughter needs to clean her room”. I fucking lost it at that point. I exchanged a few more fuck you’s and then the argument was over for now. I am mad as fucking hell. I would love to pound her face in with my fists.

I thought about getting my haircut but I kind of like having my hair long. I think I am going to wait another three months and decide what to do. I will save my cash for this. I still am behind on so many of my bills. I am such an idiot for getting so many cards.

I wish I could take an Amtrak train and just ride somewhere else and stay there forever. But rents are so damn expensive, unless you are in the middle of nowhere. Right now, the middle of nowhere sounds pretty nice. I just wish I had a car, but with the price of gas, I might not get too far.

A few things that bother me since my sister (the bitch) moved in. I love my office so my nephew could sleep there. All my things are now in the basement. One of the bookcases I had, is now a shoe holder for my sister in the front hallway. My bookcase that was in my hallway where my bedroom was is now my nephew’s. The books are in a clear container that I bought to put my clothes in. The clothes are now in my closet. Where my bookcase was, now my niece has her things there. The only place I am allow to put my fucking things are my room. They cannot be outside my room for any reason. I had a hamper of my books and notebooks in the hall while waiting for my brother in law to put in the AC. My sister (bitch) threatened to put it in the basement if I didn’t move it back to my room. It was neatly packed, not messy. But the bitch thinks she owns the fucking house so has to have her things every where, and I mean everyfucking where. She has now place things on the way on the front stairway. Has put things on the shelf on the stairs. And the god fucking sucking stupid air fresheners are in the outlets. And people wonder why I am in my room all the time. I feel I am not allow any where else because I can’t have my things there so why bother. But it is ok for my niece and sister (bitch) to have their paint shit on the kitchen table all the fucking time. It is okay for bitch’s kids to leave their pots and pans and dishes in the sink. It ok for the bitch to do so as well. But if I did that, I would be yelled at till the cows came home. I am so sick of it. Then my mother bitches because she does clean the sink every morning and night. It isn’t fair when there are three abled adults here.

So I get treated like a child and stay in my room to avoid the volatile bitch. I feel like going out but I just had lunch and my mother’s sugar is low. I am the only one in the house so I can’t fucking leave. She just had lunch and sugar and water so hopefully it will come up soon. I am so fucking mad at the bitch as she closed my door again. I thought the fight last night had settled things. Guess not. I did the same thing as I did last night, moved my niece’s furniture to block her door. She called me an “immature asshole”. I don’t give a fuck. She is the one that is immature and selfish. The whole time she was downstairs I was on edge. She sets off my PTSD whenever she is around. I fucking hate her.

Three weeks before I see the surgeon for top surgery consult. I am nervous as fuck. I am worried with the state of affairs in the US, the GOP might pull health care for transpeople. I will be so screwed. I am also worried that he will say something about my weight and then I will zone out not listen to the rest of the conversation. I ordered some protein shakes but you got to mix it with something. I don’t have any almond milk. I wanted to go out and get it but I can’t until my mother’s sugar stabilizes.

In a bitchy mood

I was too sleepy to get up this morning for my neuro appointment. I literally have been in bed all day. I am wicked pissed my sister left the kitchen sink with her mess. I found my door closed so I moved my niece’s thing to block her door.

I had therapy yesterday after I had enough of the bad dreams I have been having the past few weeks. They are getting worse and my sleep is getting so disrupted. I had to talk to her about it and I had no one else to really turn to. I told her what has been happening and she thinks I got to talk about my feelings more as they are coming out in my dreams. I told her about the dream where I dreamt I attempted and was in the emergency room. Things were happening all around me but I was just watching them. I asked if we could just talk about this for a few sessions and she was okay with that.

I feel super depressed and tired. Last night I went to bed early, and by early, I mean like 5pm. I just couldn’t deal. I was so tired because I didn’t get much sleep, again. I am stressed out over my finances. I am behind in my payments with my credit cards and I don’t know when I will be ok with it. I feel like I am drowning and no one is noticing. I feel like I would be better off dead.

I am waiting for my catheter supply company to tell me that they have approved the attachment I sent them a few days ago. I still haven’t heard back. Cathing every 2 hours sucks really bad. I got to always be aware of the time. Doesn’t even matter how much I drink anymore as I just cath every two hours. I am trying to cut out drinking at night but it is difficult. For some reason the air in my room gets dry and my throat gets dry so I need something to drink. I try not to gulp it down but it is hard.

I have been thinking of writing more in my memoir about being trans. I want to write about the difficulty of having top surgery and the obstacles that you face. I think it is important for other FTMs and their allys to know about.