Category: depression

A day of pain

I have been in pain all day with my back and rib muscles. I went to PT and we walked for six minutes. I did 1000 steps, stopping only one time because I got out of breath. My heart rate jumped to 154 when I was done. I had to sit and rest for a bit. Then the therapist worked on my rib cage muscles. They were sore and tight. I am completely exhausted.

I took a shower today and that really killed me. I thought about not going to PT but I forced myself to go. My back was flipping out in the shower. I took some meds to calm it down. Walking to the bus stop wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I still got out of breath though.

My PCP’s office sent me a message today about an amendment to my birth certificate. It is done and now I just need to file it with the courts or something. I got to click on the website the nurse sent me. I am so excited but now I can change my sex with the social security office. No longer will I have to put F in the sex category! I am so excited!!

I should sleep good tonight, I hope anyway. I still woke up around 3am last night to pee. It was difficult to get back to sleep but I did. Then I didn’t want to get up when my med alarm went off. I stayed in bed until 11 or so. I had two cups of coffee. I really didn’t eat anything until I came home after PT. I made a turkey sandwich. I had taken out pork chops but I didn’t feel like cooking. I will make them tomorrow for lunch.

I am going to try and stay up for another hour and then take my meds to go to bed. I am just really tired and in pain. My mood sucks. I am just completely done for the day.

Another early morning awakening

I have been up since 0300. I just couldn’t go back to sleep once I woke up. I tried but gave up around 430. I paid some bills and then ordered breakfast as I was hungry. I was able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours after I ate. I took my meds before going back to sleep. I gave myself the T shot as today was the day it is to be given.

I made coffee. I have had two cups so far. I am making chicken wings right now. I was going to use the sticky sauce but there isn’t enough wings. I was supposed to get 10 pieces and only got 8. I am not happy with my order. I complained and got a refund. I am just going to put BBQ sauce on it and have rice with it.

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth. I stink. I swear my BO smells like pepper instead of BO. I don’t know why it smells different. It has been that way since I was in the hospital. I had the delusion I was being stuffed with pepperoni and fermented cheese because that is all I could smell, especially when I had that stupid NG tube in my nose. All I could smell was like a Romano or Parmesan cheese smell. It was weird but then I was psychotic.

My mother is coming home from the hospital. I hope she will be able to make it up the stairs to the living area of the house and where her bedroom is. We have the oxygen tanks down in my sister’s apartment right now. I guess will bring it up when she gets settled. I don’t know if she will need it or not or if it is just when she sleeps she needs it. I have the morning shift tomorrow. I think my niece will watch her in the afternoon. I have PT at 4 so will need to leave the house around 3. I tried doing the tennis ball thing on my back but it was really painful and then I hit a spot that sent pain down my back so I stopped doing it. I am supposed to do other exercises but I don’t remember what they were. I know they were back exercises or hip ones. They are all the same to me at this point. I really got to start sleeping with a pillow between my legs when I sleep as the strain is causing me hip pain. I keep forgetting to grab the pillow.

Tomorrow I need to go to the Square to pick up one of my meds. I need a refill on my Ativan but because I don’t have a valid ID right now, I can’t get it. The mail hasn’t arrived yet so maybe it will come today. I hate being without a valid license. It is my own fault as I forgot to renew when I came home from the hospital. Then when I remembered, I didn’t have the money right away to do the transaction because I tried to get caught up with my bills that are overdue. I am paying off each credit card a month at a time. The hard part is not charging back up again. I do need to get new glasses in the new year. I want to get transition lenses. I have no idea what happened to the pair I bought earlier this year. They seemed to have disappeared on me. I can’t even find the case they were in. I hope I didn’t lose them but I think I did.

Just tired

I didn’t sleep well again last night so I have been in bed for most of the day today. I only got up to have a cup of coffee and to use the bathroom. I feel really blah and tired. I haven’t made an effort to have something to eat. I am not really hungry. I have been up since 4 am and I just went out to get my prescriptions. It was a quick trip as I made the return bus home.

I ordered groceries to be delivered today. They should come in the middle of the afternoon. I ordered stuff to make my chicken wings. I make this sticky chicken wing recipe that is out of this world. I still haven’t had a meal in a day and a half. I just had coffee and some cookies with it. I just am not hungry. I have food in the house so that isn’t the issue. I still have my frozen dinners and black bean burgers. Maybe I will make a burger for lunch. I just had an Ensure last night to take with the pill I need 350 cals for.

I am going to try and write up the page I wrote in the hospital that started my book. I don’t think it will be close to 500 words. I had written one thing in a notebook and then while transferring it to another notebook so the nurse could read it, changed everything and added more shit. There is a ton of stuff I could write on and expand on.

I am still waiting for my ID. I should get word about my birth certificate maybe next week. That will start off the New Year on a good start even though it will be hard with my mother’s diagnosis and her recovery from hip surgery. She was able to walk further today in PT. She might come home tomorrow.

My heart rate has been high today. I came up the stairs and my heart was racing. My pulse was 157. After I came home and up the stairs it went down to 122. I can tell it is still beating fast. PT should be awesome trying to do cardio. The treadmill or the bike is going to be a challenge. Just hope the PT doesn’t freak out too much about it. My BP is good today and my pulse is now 93. I am happy it is coming down.

I have no appetite and I am worried my depression is getting worse. It is one of the signs that is worrisome to me. Add in the exhaustion and no motivation and you got a depressive episode that is rearing its ugly head. I have Ensure that I could drink so I can have some calories. I have been drinking Gatorade so I am keeping up with fluids.

I need to take a shower. I bought one of those loofah balls so that I can use my shower gel. I had bought one before but I don’t know what my sister did with it when she cleaned the shower. I am currently washing towels as the hamper was overflowing with them. There wasn’t that much clothes after you took the towels out but enough for a load. I need to shave my head today so maybe I will shower before the groceries get here.