Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping
I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.
I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.
I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.
I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.
Long doc appointment and I am wiped out
I saw a doc from the weight center today and omg, it was such a long ass appointment that left me wanting to jump off the tobin. I had specifically told them I was not into having weight surgery. Said so beginning of the appointment. He recommended surgery. And as that wasn’t what I fucking wanted, he didn’t give me too many alternatives. Meds weren’t an option because I have little to no appetite most days. He wanted me on metformin but I heard too many thing about side effects and plus, I wasn’t near the diabetic scale so no reason for me to be on it. He did thankfully offer a dietitian appointment so maybe I can eat something called healthy. He said to come back in two months to see where we are. Ugh, if I am not satisfied with the dietitian, I am not going back to him.
All I wanted to do after the appointment was sleep. It took a lot out of me. The guy was wondering why I didn’t see a sleep specialist but seeing as most of my reasons for not sleeping are psych related, why bother. I don’t think a sleep specialist will help with bad dreams and waking up having to go pee a couple times during the night. Last night’s sleep was better. I only woke up once and was able to get back to sleep. Turning on my “do not disturb” function has helped keep me off my phone so I can actually get back to my pillow.
I have one more appointment this week for neuro. It is just after the crack of dawn (also known as 930am to most people) so I will most likely take a cab into town. Not sure if I will take one back home or take the T. it will depend on how I feel after the appointment.
My niece was able to go to the pharmacy for me. I still got to go tomorrow to pick up my BT meds as the fucking idiots lied to me again saying they were in stock when they weren’t. I asked three times and was told each time they had both in stock. Then I get a call yesterday saying nope, sorry only one was in stock the other we didn’t have enough of. Bastards. I go through this every fucking month. Last month I had to go to a different pharmacy because they didn’t have enough I didn’t have enough to cover until Mon.
I’ve had a headache since just before the grueling doc appointment. I had taken some Tylenol. It helped a little bit but now it is back again. I am also nauseous so I hope this isn’t a migraine. Sox are playing the Tigers. I’m not up to listen the ballgame so will just peep on the internet to see how they are doing.
I had an awful night sleeping last night. I kept waking up every few hours to bad dreams. I was also hungry so had a package of fig newtons. I was also drinking Gatorade like it was going out of style so I had to pee. I haven’t been a straight shot in inserting the cath. I am risking an infection every time I miss.
All I want to do today is go to the pharmacy and get my meds so I can do my med boxes. I just called the pharmacy and it won’t be ready until 1630. Fuck. I made sure they had both in stock because I’ll be pissed if it isn’t.
My foot has been cramping the past three days and I don’t know why. I’ve been taking magnesium and it has been helping. I just got to be careful because it can get the bowels running. So far I am safe. I am constipated. I took miralax yesterday. It hasn’t kicked in yet. I am so tired though. I just want to sleep.
midnightdemons7 
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