Category: depression

Saturday Blog 18062022

I woke up late because, once again, I was up in the middle of the night. I kept on having weird, scary dreams and it caused me to stay awake for a little bit each time. I also had to pee as I was drinking a lot. This was the consequence of not drinking during the day. My foot was cramping most of the night. I can’t seem to get it to stop. I took some extra magnesium and it helped after an hour or two.

I tried to watch the recording of the last conference of the symposium. My internet kept making it come in and out so it would pause every 20 to 30 seconds. It was so annoying. I had to shut it off. But they got good feedback with the polls and we are hoping this will be a yearly event. It was an exciting two days of research.

I am feeling really tired and depressed today. Suicidal thoughts are running around. With urges coming and going. I just don’t want to be anymore. My heart is so heavy. I feel like no one cares. I am trying to hold on. I told my psychiatrist I want to try ketamine. It is my last hope. This doesn’t work and it will be over. I will have tried everything. I still want to have top surgery. I am kind of hoping that the gender dysphoria that I feel will be significantly less than what it is now and I won’t feel so pressure to end my life. We’ll see. Only time will tell.

I slept most of the day. I couldn’t get motivated to attend the suicide research symposium. Going to try and attend the closing session.

I feel really sad and depressed. Met with my psychiatrist and he didn’t have any answers for me. He said he would look into ketamine for me. He asked if I wanted another therapist and I said what would be the point? He said it might be helpful just to talk things over with. I’m not ready for that yet.

My TG doc called me today. My testosterone level was much higher than last time. So she has lowered the dose. I don’t care. Nothing matters to me anymore.

Listening to Jason Aldean

I am having a rough day. I didn’t get up early enough for going to get my blood drawn. I am going to try tomorrow as I set my alarm for 0630. Fingers crossed I get up and am not up in the middle of the night again. I had such a hard time sleeping last night. I went to bed around 2230 only to wake up around 1. I emptied my bladder around 0230 and then read my phone. I had the do not disturb on but it didn’t matter. I shut it off around 4. I wrote an essay about therapy when I was up because I figured I would write. I passed it along to a few people. One person responded and said it was powerful. She also gave me a chronic suicide forum to look into. I didn’t know it existed so I thanked her.

I feel depressed. Someone created a Jason Aldean music of number one hits. It’s about an hour and half long so I am listening to it. I love Jason. His voice is 100% country and it hasn’t changed like some of the other country artists have, like Jake Owen and Dustin Lynch.

Having another cup of coffee, my second one of the day and doing so, triggered my ankle. I am in a flare now. I was in pain during the night too. My leg flared up along with my foot. I just took my breakthrough med. I keep thinking about my plan. It will work as long as I don’t puke. I am still undecided on the location of where I am going to end it.

My niece sent me a text yesterday morning and it hurt, but in a good way. She told me she loved me and how much I mean to her. That she supports me even if no one else does. I was taken aback by this and it really killed me inside because I know I will be hurting her when I die. I need to write her a note. I have to look in my packet that I made and update it.

I am tired. It is almost game time. Last night the Sox won. It was a fun game. Hope I will be able to stay up for it. All I want to do is sleep. But I know if I try and sleep now, I will most likely be up all night again and then I won’t want to get up at 630 to get my blood work done.