depression – Page 347 – midnightdemons7

Chronic illness and disability causes grief

Thu,28 Jul,2022, 14:00 by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

This was posted in the CRPS and RSD group on FB.

CHRONIC ILLNESS and DISABILITY causes GRIEF: by: Angela Piccolotti

No one tells you that you will grieve when you become disabled and/or chronically ill. Grief is expected when a loved one dies but you don’t expect it when you experience a chronic illness or disability.

The process is the same. You go through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to our new reality. The feelings are the same. The only difference is that instead of a loved one dying, it’s like you’ve died. Your life’s hopes, dreams, and plans are dead. Who you were and who you wanted to become are gone. Everything you used to be. All forever changed.

You break your own heart over and over again because you have hope of a restored body and life but no matter what you do you can’t achieve them.

It’s like you’ve died, but still you’re still breathing and you still have a pulse. You’re a ghost in your own life, a shell of your former self. You are haunted by your old self, your old life, your old hopes and dreams, your former health, all you used to be and all you used to be able to do. You remember everything you’ve lost. It’s heartbreaking!

You feel like you’re just taking up space. You feel so worthless. You can no longer DO. You can only sit by idle as life goes on without you being able to participate in it. It’s agonizingly painful!

been feeling really depressed past few days

Wed,27 Jul,2022, 13:36 by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Been really depressed past few days.

I’ve been really down the past few days. I haven’t been able to think much or care about anything. I have been trying to keep up with this blog as it is my only saving grace but some days it is very difficult to write.

I had therapy yesterday and we talked about my bad dreams and about my mother “owning” me. She wouldn’t tell me outright that my mother didn’t own me. I had to have a friend tell me this. I was then able to process it a little bit better. I feel like if she owns me then I can’t have surgery because this is “her body”. I know it may sound stupid but it is all trauma. That is what my therapist kept saying over and over. I need to have this surgery in order to feel more masculine, to be me. It is hard because a few months ago my mother said that she owned me and that I was her “daughter”. This is just some fucked up imagination that my mother has. She thinks that because she brought me into this world that I am hers. That is not what a parent should do. I am so damn conflicted. I said that I was fucked up and my therapist said I was. Thanks. I don’t know why she wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear from her.

After session, I became suicidal. I remembered the pills I bought to end my life. My therapist didn’t know it at the time. But we talked this morning and now and she knows. We are having a session Friday to discuss it. She asked me if I was safe. I told her I was. I kept on having fantasies about taking the meds and surviving. I was found in time to be saved. I doubt that will happen if I do it. I am not going to be stupid and text my therapist I am going to do it. That is just dumb. I won’t tell her goodbye.

I have dreams of ending my life, even before having top surgery. It is all because I know that I will still be in pain regardless if I have breasts or not. I will still have CRPS. That isn’t going anywhere. It makes me so depressed thinking about it. I am in so much grief of not having a life that I dreamed of. This really kills me. Because of my mental illness, I can’t finish my degree. I also don’t have the money to do so, even if I somehow managed it.

I made an appointment with my pcp for this week. I also see her next week but that is to discuss my pain meds. I need to talk to her about my orgasms. The last time I climaxed it hurt my legs as they just spazzed out and then cramped on me. Then there are times where I can’t seem to feel myself no matter how I rub my clit. The tissue just doesn’t seem to want to get excited. I know part of this is because of my nerve injury. I have never talked to a professional about this before.

I need to take a shower today. It is another hot one. My hair is so icky, filled with sweat and just dirty from not washing in a few days. Actually maybe longer than that. I don’t remember when I showered. I have been brushing my teeth though. I am on a 9 day streak.

I might go for a walk to the mailbox today. I need to mail my voting card thing. I know I am going to sweat like mad because of the heat so I am debating holding off on the shower. I got a headache so I might just shower and shave. I plan on going out tomorrow to get my haircut so will mail my voting thing then. I really don’t like my hair long like it is. Every time I look at myself I hate myself. I just look so ugly. It fuels the suicidal feelings I have. I feel like I should die. I will one day. Just hope it is soon.