Category: depression

Therapy and being vulnerable

Yesterday therapy was difficult. She read a message I sent to my psychiatrist, which I didn’t know she had access to. We talked about it and then I really let her know what was going on and started crying. It was a controlled cry as I didn’t want to let myself go. I told her how I was feeling about my friend dying and how my pain is getting worse with no treatment available. I have no doc that wants to address it. I told her I wanted to die and that is what I am going to do after top surgery. I rather die before the CRPS spreads to my knee. During this conversation, she expressed why there are boundaries and that she isn’t sure what I want from therapy. She is struggling to grasp that. She thinks I want her to be my peer and that is not what she wants to be. I think I want her to be a colleague and that has been interfering with therapy. I realized while she was talking that she is the one. She has what I need if I just don’t hold back from her. It has been difficult because I am so suicidal and I don’t want to seek help for it. She gave me the option of not having another appointment.

We also talked about how I am upset with my sister not accepting my disability or chronic pain. I told her what happened over the weekend. I haven’t spoken to my sister since then and we have been avoiding each other in the house, at least so far. I told her I had to cut her off as she was just too toxic for me. I really wanted to ask her if we could have a session with her to explain where I am at but my mind was on other things so I didn’t ask.

This therapist really wants to work on me getting well. She asked if I had put forth all the ways I could get better mentally and I said no, given what I learned about suicide treatments. I still need to learn skills to work on things and to find something or some place where I am accepted and can talk about my feelings of the family rejection as well as chronic pain. I do have the chronic pain group today and I am debating on going. Right now my pain is a 7 but I just took my morning meds so I am hoping for it to settle down before having to take a BT med. The pain is in an L shape as it is from my shin down to my foot. I don’t know if it is going to rain today or not. It is going to be a high pollen day. I already got an alert for that. According to weatherbug, the precipitation if we get it is around 11 and 12 and then temps warm up. I might have to turn on the ceiling fan. I need to finish clearing off my bed so I can change the sheets. I was making progress yesterday but then I went to the post office and lost all my energy. For some reason there is a scent in my room and I think it is pollen coming through the AC vents. If my room gets above 70 degrees I will turn on the ceiling fan.

I think I am going to have pancakes for breakfast today if I can get my ass in gear. I am so damn tired. But I wanted to write about therapy while I felt like writing. It is rare that I get this way this early in the morning, before coffee!

I have to make a decision about the pain doc. I feel like I should send her a message first to see if she really wants to see me or if she just doesn’t want to treat me at all. I just don’t want to waste my time and energy in the appointment just for her to say nope we aren’t treating you because you are high risk, unless they want to taper me off my meds which isn’t going to happen. I swear I just want to take an extra BT med a day so I am not struggling at the end of the month because there are days where I have to take a BT around the clock to deal with my pain. I just read the notes from my last visit to the new pain doc and she said in her notes she is willing to help me so I think I am going to see her. Trouble is if this is a telemedicine visit she can’t exam me (though last visit she had a telemedicine visit and supposedly did an exam on me in her notes, yea ok. Don’t know how that is possible!). If she wants to see me in person, transportation is an issue. She isn’t T accessible so I would have to get an Uber which is 35 bucks to and from her place. Which means $70 for this visit.

My pcp asked me if I want to see a neuro or pain doc. I requested a referral for the neuro that diagnosed my crps. I will see him again and see if he can figure out this shin pain. I also made a request to see the pain doc. I will take my chances with her. I just hope it is a virtual visit. Now I am just waiting for pcp to get back to me about the Holter monitor results.

Having a rough day so will write tomorrow

Saturday Blog 09042022

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I woke up around midnight to pee and then it was all over. I couldn’t go back to sleep. Around 6, I was dozing here and there but every time I laid down, I would stay for a few minutes and then something would cause me to get up again. I had turned my phone off so I could sleep. I didn’t get to sleep until I took some Benadryl and slept for a solid four hours. Thank god I had my phone off as my mother called me. I would have been so pissed if she woke me up.

I have to measure my urine so been doing so. My first cath was around 300. Then just now I measured and it was 600. I had a lot of water today. My only caffeine was coffee at like 6 when I was hoping it would sedate me. It didn’t. Figures. Someone has been in my Girl Scout cookies. I am missing a box and when I went to the kitchen, I found an unopened sleeve of cookies. I hid them and ate the ones I got with my coffee. For some reason I had the worse heartburn. I don’t know why acid kept coming up with the coffee. It was so bad it came through my nose. Man did that burn. I wasn’t sure if I took my Prevacid so I took another one and that settled things down finally. I looked on my bed to see if the pill had escaped but I didn’t see it. I probably will find it when I am not looking for it.

A friend of mine who is a pediatric resident interpreted the Holter monitor report for me. She said that it was a good thing. I was grateful for what she told me because I was worried I would have to see a cardiologist next and be on more medication. I seem to be fine with the labetalol so I think I don’t have to be on another medication.

My lower leg is still hurting me. I had maxed out on my pain meds so needed to wait before I could take more. I got to refill my pain meds next week. I am going to see if my doc can do both at the same time. I hate waiting a week in between but really the IR med can be refilled as it isn’t a true 30 day supply medication. It is written as less than that so technically, I can get it refilled after the 10 days or so that it is written for. I hope so anyways. Saves me a trip to the pharmacy. Tomorrow I refill my med boxes. I am going to see if I have a smaller bottle for the new uro meds so I can keep it by my bedside as I need to take an evening dose before bedtime. I also got to plan my meals so that I can take the second pill with a large meal. I plan on just having a pot pie or a frozen dinner. Tonight I had a yogurt with some toast for supper. It was all that I wanted. My mother had called to tell me my sister made some chicken but I wasn’t in the mood for it.

My eyes keep tearing up. I don’t know why. My allergies aren’t too bad because I took the Benadryl. I had cleared off my bed last week to change my sheets. All that needed to be done was to clear my office but I haven’t had the energy to do it. I have just been so tired because the insomnia has really interfered with sleeping. I am sleeping during the day to try and get some decent sleep rather than be up for 20 hours. I had a solid four hour sleep but I need some more as I am still tired. I just checked the Sox score. They are tied at 2 in the 5^th. It is the second game of the season but they are playing the Skankees and I want them to beat their ass.

I keep thinking today is Sunday. Hate when my sleep is so disturbed. Monday I really need to go to the post office as I didn’t go today to drop off the package for my friend. I had tried to get a pick up but I am so close to the nearest post office that it didn’t allow it. I might go to the one in the Square so I can get Starbucks as a reward for doing the errand. People are starting to sit in there so maybe I can bring a book with me and spend some hours reading the BCBT book so I can finish it. I am almost done with it. I think I have like six chapters left. I think the next book I am going to read is “On Juneteenth”. What kind of bothers me about this day is that slaves in Texas were freed due to the Emancipation Proclamation but the Army came AFTER the 13^th Amendment was approved, which abolished slavery. That is why I don’t understand what they are celebrating exactly. Maybe the book can explain it for me and I won’t be confused.