Category: depression

Pain shouldn’t happen early in the day

I just woke up and went downstairs to have my coffee and some oatmeal. After I finished the oatmeal, my ankle starting hurting me. I finished the rest of my coffee and then cleaned up, washing my cup out. I have to wash it out because other wise it gets put in the dishwasher and gets spider scratches on the cup. I just took my pain med and ibuprofen. I need to do my med boxes today, but I usually wait until the afternoon to do them.

Today I plan on reading for at least a couple of hours. I want to read at least two chapters, if I am up to it, three. I have lost interest in the ball game because I just don’t care anymore. They are losing anyways and it is just a disappointment. Such talent and nothing to show for it.

I finally had a decent bowel movement. The belt that was around my waist is gone, least for now. I still feel backed up so will be taking some more Miralax soon. I am not going out tomorrow and my therapy appointment is in the afternoon so I should be ok, though sometimes my nerves from the appointment causes my bowels to go berserk. Sometimes it is a false alarm and sometimes it is get to the bathroom now, even though my appointment starts in ten minutes.

Last night I was having severe bladder pains. I almost went to the ED as they were so bad. I am still hurting today but not as bad. It has been two weeks now that I have been having this pain. I will send a message to my pcp to see what to do about it. They probably will just tell me to go to uro so I will send a message there as well.

I went to bed around 2100 only to wake up at midnight. I stay up for a couple of hours and then went back to sleep. Woke up again around 6 to pee but was able to get back to sleep. Soon as my ankle starts to calm down a bit, I plan on throwing some clothes in the washer. I need to wash some clothes. I usually just put them in the hamper for my mother to do them but I want it done now as I just bought some clothes and want to wear them.

I think I am going to make another cup of coffee and then read my book. I am getting tired. Pain wears me out so much the past few days. I hate it because all I want to do is sleep. But I never can sleep during the day anymore for some reason. My mind wanders and it keeps me up.

Saturday Blog 30072022

I’ve had a tiring day. I wanted to do some laundry and I have yet to do it. My bladder still hurts, now without a full bladder so I don’t know what to make of it. Ibuprofen isn’t helping it. I’ve also had a headache most of the day which hasn’t helped my mood.

I’ve been in my room for the most part. I had two cups of coffee today, not that it has helped my tiredness. I got some sleep so I don’t know why I am so tired. I know I got up around 5 to pee and then I had a bowl of cereal because I was hungry. I fell back to sleep soon as I came back up to my room. I really haven’t eaten much today. I had a smoothie for lunch. I haven’t had dinner yet. I don’t know if I want a bowl of cereal or mac and cheese. I got to take my meds soon but I can’t take them on an empty stomach or I will get sick. The Latuda needs to have some food in my stomach or it makes me nauseous.

I haven’t read my book today. I did a google search to try and find the cognitive therapy book I am looking for and my search found that I had bought it in 2015! I need to make a database of my clinical books so I don’t buy duplicates. I’ll do that one of these days when I feel really bored. Excel can be tricky to work with. Trouble is, the books that are in the basement, I won’t know what they are and everything is so stacked, I can’t move them by myself. I just hope they don’t get mold or ruined otherwise because they are in the basement.

Tiring day of appointments

I had therapy today. We talked about my suicidality. She validated that she cares about me and that felt so good. I really thought she didn’t care whether I lived or died. I told her that there is no guarantee I would tell her I would attempt. She understood that. I also told her things sort of changed when I found out I was going to have top surgery. That I saw myself being shirtless during the summer. But then I found the bottle of pills to end my life and I’ve been in a suicidal state since then due to pain.

After my appointment, I got dressed and waited for the cab to take me to my pcp appointment. I finally met the nurse that I have been emailing all the time. It was nice to put a name with a face. I had written down what had happened to me and gave it to my pcp. She said she had shoulder surgery two weeks ago so she needed the help of another doctor to examine me. I had diminished feeling on my clit and other parts of my inner labia. The outer parts I had feeling. She thinks the intense orgasm I had flared up some pelvic floor muscles. I am to have no sexual activity for a week and take ibuprofen three times a day for a week. I see her next Thurs so we will discuss how I am then. If no improvement then I will have to have a scan done.

I didn’t take a cab back home though I should have but I forgot to take a voucher with me. I walked to the station and it was painful with my back cramping up on me. I had to stop every so often so it took longer for me to reach the station. I had to stand on the train halfway to my stop because the train was crowded. It was also hot as there was no air circulation. A passenger kept taking his shirt off to cool himself down. I reported the car and the passenger as he didn’t look well.

I have been dying for an ice cream sandwich. I went to the store across the street from the station but they didn’t have any. I was bummed. I thought about getting another ice cream but my hands were dirty from holding on to the bar and I didn’t want to chance getting covid. The bus finally came and it was very air conditioned. It was nice. I didn’t want to get off when my stop came but I did. It took me forever to get home as I was tired and again my back kept cramping up. I had to stop a few times and then I sat on a bench for a few minutes. I had to go pee because I drank a lot of water. I had brought my water bottle with me.

My mother made mushrooms for supper. I don’t like mushrooms. I ended up ordering a pizza. It was good. My sister came home today from her trip to Bermuda. I missed her so much. She gave me a long sleeve t-shirt from Bar Harbor Maine. I love it. It was a large but it looked like an XL. I am glad she is home.

I am super tired. I had to take some Miralax because I have been really constipated the last week. I really have gone much even though I had a movement yesterday. Just little pieces. I feel like I have a belt around my waist so I know I am backed up. I had gone to the bathroom to cath and my back cramped up on me really bad. It is so sore right now. I took some pain meds so I hope it eases up.

While doing something on my phone, it had suggested a sleep time for me that sets an alarm for bed time and an alarm for waking up. I set it for 2200 for bedtime and 0800 for waking. I am usually in bed before that time anyway but I am up around 8 to take my morning meds. I am wicked tired from the walking I did and the stress of the appointments I went to. No sex for a week is going to be hard but not impossible. The doctor that helped my pcp is taking some of my pcp’s patients so I put in a request to have her as my pcp when my current pcp leaves. She is only going to be here for another month and then she is leaving Boston. I am going to miss her. This will be my fourth pcp in five years. Such a shame they can’t keep doctors. Only one I left because he was an asshole. I hope I am not making a mistake having this doctor as my pcp, though she has been signing off on my pain meds the last few months so might as well see her.

Miserable day but I got my haircut

I wasn’t feeling that great when I woke up today. I had some dreams but they were just weird, not bad. Ankle was buzzing but wasn’t painful. I left early to go to Starbucks to get my mocha and a lemon loaf. I also had to get cash from the ATM to pay my barber. I drank some of my mocha and then when it was a few minutes before my appointment time, I left for the ATM. My new savings account doesn’t appear to be linked to my ATM card. I went to three machines and I couldn’t get the money out so I had to transfer the money to my checking to get it out. I need to call the bank and find out why this is happening.

The additional steps walking to the different machines and back to my barber’s shop killed my ankle. My pain is now a 10. I bought some food and now my tooth is bothering me. I also had a bowel movement finally but it was very painful. I am still in a lot of pain. I think it is nerve pain and there is nothing I can do about it. This pain has been going on since before I left the house. It is going on for five hours now. I posted on Twitter that I wanted to just open a bottle of pills and down them. I honestly don’t know what is stopping me. I texted my therapist that I was glad I was seeing her tomorrow. Now I want to text her I don’t know what is stopping me from taking a bottle of pills. Honestly think it is because I just don’t have the energy to do it. I am so tired from my walking around to get to ATMs. I just want to go to sleep now that I have eaten a big meal, my only meal for the day.

The other day, the only meal I had was a package of mac and cheese. It was one of the bigger bowls of Velveeta. I like it because it is filling. Last night, I just had half a grilled chicken salad with some mozzarella sticks. I got hungry after midnight so I had some fig newtons. The serving size is 2 cookies. I ate like 14. I had to control myself not to eat the whole box. There were only 20 cookies in the package. Definitely not worth the price I paid for it.

I wrote out what I want to say to my pcp tomorrow. I figure that will be easier than saying out loud what is going on. I am glad I had a bowel movement even though it caused me severe pain. I thought with my activities I might have caused impaction. I am nervous about her examining me. It isn’t going to be pleasant. I really hope she examines my genitals to make sure they are ok more than exploring my behind.

 I wrote out a sex story. That was fun. I have an idea for another story that I will write later this week.

I am feeling very depressed and suicidal but don’t have the intent to act on my feelings. I am very tired from going out today. I didn’t intend to walk all the way that I did. It caused such a flare up of pain. It is only 430p and I want to nap. I have been drinking a lot of water since I came home because I sweat so much while out. It was wicked hot today and humid. I need to rest my leg before it flares up too. I took a pain med and some ibuprofen for my toothache. There is nothing I can take for the nerve pain in my butt. It really sucks when it flares up.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I didn’t go to bed till 0530a. then I woke up at 8 to pee. All night all I thought about was emptying my bladder. I couldn’t rest because I felt like I had to empty even though I really wasn’t drinking that much, if at all. It drove me crazy.