Category: depression

I haven’t slept all night. I managed a couple of hours but my mother is having a closet built so the noise is distracting. I woke up from a bad dream. In the dream I was going into cardiac arrest. Then when I wake up my pcp calls to reschedule my Sept echo appt to tomorrow.

In the middle of the night I sent a message to my therapist and she was like this needs to said in session. So she set up an appt for tomorrow morning. I had wanted to go grocery shopping but now it doesn’t look like it.

I had written in my message to her that I feel like I am incompetent with her and am not enough. I also said that I feel like I am a disappointment. It just feels that way because I am not too engaging in sessions. I am really nervous about meeting in person because I feel like I did something wrong again. I’m sure I will hear about it tomorrow. I just checked the schedule and whomever scheduled picked the wrong therapist with the same last name. I am not happy about this.

I am very tired so this blog is going to be short. I just wanted to write this down because it makes me feel better. Hope I can get another few hours sleep.

That’s my life

I made dinner and then after I emptied my bladder, I brushed my teeth. My back is broken. I hurt so much. I didn’t do anything else today. I got up kind of later than I wanted to. I went to the chronic pain group. They talked about pets today. It was a good discussion. Only made me wish I could have a pet more. I have been feeling like shit the whole day. I just can’t seem to get moving.

Tomorrow I have a lot of walking to do. I have a blood draw scheduled for a study and it is at the end of the building on the MGH campus. It is a long walk to get there. It tires me out. Then I need to go to the lab to drop off a urine sample that my doc wants. That is at the entrance to the building. Depending on how I get up tomorrow morning I might get the urine test done before the blood draw. I wish I had a scooter to get around in. I didn’t drink that much fluid today. I still have time to drink some stuff so my veins will be easier to draw tomorrow. I am a hard stick and there is a medical assistant that always ends up drawing me rather than the research assistant.

I made an appointment for an echocardiogram that my doc wants. The earliest I could be seen was in Sept. I had therapy yesterday. We talked about things that go in the survival kit. I made a list. I will probably get to it the end of this week. Arlo the bulldog will be in there. I will print out the pics of him. He makes me happy. I was in a tired state when we were meeting. She asked what to do and I said ask three questions. I can’t focus or come up with things to talk about when my brain is mush.

My foot is throbbing so bad and is burning. I haven’t taken gaba for it because I want to catch a few innings of the ballgame tonight with a somewhat awake brain. We are playing the BlueJays today. Just hope Nate is nasty tonight so we have a chance to win. We lost yesterday.

Opening Day Fenway Park 2022

Today hasn’t been the day for the Sox. They are currently losing 8-4 on their Opening day at homefield. It is Fenway’s 110^th Birthday. Pretty sad they are losing. They lost. 8-4 is the final score. Fucking fuck. I am not happy.

I spent the afternoon changing my bedsheets. I finally did it but man did it tire me out. My ankle and foot have just flared up and my muscles in my chest just started to hurt. I am tired of hurting. “It’s not weird, wrong, or weak to want to just feel better. When we can’t feel “better”, we’ll often settle for feeling DIFFERENT. Almost everything we do is to change how we FEEL, ESPECIALLY if we’re sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.” Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle.

I would like to feel different but my pain often doesn’t allow for it to be that way. I was in a flare last night because some lightening was shooting in the 10 mile radius from me. It has almost been two years since I felt that kind of pain.

Easter 2022

I had a good Easter. Food was good. I was a little tired as I didn’t sleep most of the night. I sent an email off about things and it got lengthy. Before I knew it, it was like 4am and I had to get off the laptop.

While I was up in the early hours of the morning, I started gathering things to put in my “survival” kit. I will go over the items tomorrow in therapy. I thought I had more stuff in my drawer but I guess I don’t. Most of my pics are on my phone so one day this week I will go through them and have them printed at the pharmacy. I don’t know if they are open tomorrow as it is a “holiday”. I got a med I got to pick up.

I did my meds for the week. When I was done, I looked at the pills for my evening meds and something was off. I then realized I was missing a pill. Glad I caught it. I filled the box with the missing pill.

I have been taking gaba nearly every night the past few nights. Pain has been intolerable and unpredictable. Making me wicked depressed. I keep thinking of ending it after top surgery. I had wrote to my friend and told her about how I wanted to go to Switzerland and death with dying. She said she couldn’t understand going that far for pain. She wants me to see the pain doc to see if she will do something for me. I have an appointment next month to see her virtually. I am nervous about this appointment because I honestly don’t think anything is going to be done other than get me frustrated and annoyed.