Category: depression

Bladder is being finicky all day. I’ve been having to go every 2.5 hours or so.

I got my groceries today. I was doing fine until my elbow hit the doorknob and then I was done. I’ve been in excruciating pain since. I did my meds and tried to nap but I couldn’t get my arm comfortable.

I stink and need a shower but I can’t move my arm so it isn’t happening. I haven’t brushed my teeth either today. I keep forgetting to do it. Maybe before bedtime. I still haven’t tried the vag cream. I want to put it on when I am cleaner.

I had a weird dream where my sister had a baby and she left me in charge of taking care of it. Felt so real.

Sister is bitching again and I am trying not to take blame for it.

I am already in a bad mood and feel like taking something to go to oblivion. I really just want to die because of the pain I feel. My upper arm and shoulder hurt so fricken bad. It hurts just to hold a bottle of Gatorade. I don’t know when this pain is going to stop. Been three months already. I see the surgeon this week. My covid test is negative so that is good.

Snow has melted a little bit today. I fear the rest will turn to ice over the next few days as temps will be in the teens or below that. I don’t have to go out till Wed to see the surgeon. Wish I had PT. My ribs are still hurting from my near fall down the stairs the other day. I put heat on today but it didn’t help much.

I have therapy tomorrow morning that I just want to sleep through. I really don’t want to go.

Saturday Blog 08012022

I had my Covid test today. I had insomnia yesterday where I was up from Midnight till around 2130. I slept through the night waking up to my med alarm at 0730. I just shut it off and went back to sleep. Around 1030 I took my meds and went back to sleep as I didn’t feel like getting up. I woke up again around 1230, checked my messages and went back to sleep what I hoped to be a half hour or so but turned into two hours. I am glad I woke up because I needed to even though I wanted to stay in bed all day.

I had a bowl of cereal and then a cup of coffee. I texted my sister to see if she was still taking me and she forgot but was still going to take me. I came back to my room and read Twitter while I waited. Around 1530 I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I wanted to take a shower because I stink but I don’t have the energy.

Yesterday was quite a day for me. I was in pain with my ankle because we had a snow storm. I ordered food and as I was heading down the stairs, I almost fell. In my quick reaction I put out my left arm to keep from falling and wrenched my shoulder in the process. I was in a lot of pain. I pulled my chest muscles so my ribs hurt so much that it hurts to breathe.

I am in less pain today but I cannot hold my new glass water bottle with my sore arm. It is too heavy for it. I was able to lift a gallon of milk today for my cereal so that was good. I took some ibuprofen for the pain. If the pain doesn’t go away, I will take some BT meds for it.

I had to report my pharmacy to the main chain manager because I was so pissed my blood pressure meds took two days to get ready and then when I went to pick them up, not only was it not ready, it was out of stock. I only got five pills! Unacceptable. I had called and was told the script would be ready in like twenty minutes. Why didn’t they notify me then it was out of stock? I wouldn’t have trudged through the snow storm to pick it up if I wasn’t going to get the whole prescription. So now I got to get it hopefully on Monday.

I finally finished Medical Apartheid. I am going to hold off on reading 1619 Project. I am reading When it is darkest now. I have designated between 6-8pm as my reading hours. I want to read at least 12 books this year.

I feel really down right now because pain is between a 7 and 8, depending on where I hurt. Ankle is still flared up. Going to be cold this weekend. I just don’t want to be anymore.

I almost fell down the stairs and grabbed the handrail with my bad arm. I am in a lot of pain. Hope this kitty blep will make you smile.

Coffee, an omelet, and Taylor Swift

I didn’t want to get up today but my bladder was going to explode if I didn’t so I got up. As I was cathing, I got the urge to crap. I wasn’t even done emptying my bladder so I quickly sat down and my bowels let go. Better in the toilet than on the floor. The Miralax is working. I brushed my teeth after I washed my hands. It seems I am brushing every other day these days. I still haven’t made an appointment to have my teeth filled. I am too nervous about it. I came back to my room and checked my messages. My PCP has prescribed another calcium channel blocker for my hypertension. I am going to pick it up after my appointment with the uro NP.

I went downstairs to make coffee. My mother was in the kitchen so I asked her if she would make me an omelet as I never made one. She showed me how so I am going to try tomorrow. I had another cup of coffee and now I am listening to Taylor as I have a couple of hours before my appointment. I created a playlist last night that has her four newer albums. 91 songs, 6h 15 min long. I have more Taylor songs than any other artists. The only artist close to Taylor would be Mary Chapin Carpenter. I haven’t heard her in a long time. I tried listening to her during Christmas but I listened for an hour and then went back to Taylor. I don’t have Taylor’s Christmas album on my phone but I have her CD somewhere.

Every time I hear “Better Man”, I think about my father. If he was a better man we might have had a better relationship. I remember the day he died I must have looked at him for 5-10 mins in complete disgust at what he had become. I just hated him so much and I wanted nothing to do with him yet here I was at his deathbed with my sisters. I still remember the ambulance ride to his apartment and I was praying that he didn’t die in the ambulance because his breathing changed. I knew he was going to die that day. Something in me told me so. He lasted about 2 hours at home. I remember the day all the time, from taking the T with my sister to the nursing home and then taking him home via ambulance because my sister insisted he die at home.

My feet have been cold all day so I put on some wool socks that I bought. They are toasty. There is a snow emergency in effect soon and because it is supposed to snow all day tomorrow, I rescheduled my grocery order for Sunday as there were no slots available for Sat. Sat I go for Covid testing. I hope the roads are ok by then. We are expected to get like eight inches but I bet it will be less than that. The temps haven’t been that cold.

I just read on Twitter that gender affirming hormone therapy seems to decrease suicide and depression among youth. I can’t help but wonder if I had started hormone sooner if my depression would have resolved or stayed the same like it has the past year or so. I am not as suicidal as I was but I am still depressed and that can be from the trauma I have experienced in my childhood. I am entering my 4^th year on therapy. I had severe depression in 2019, a few months after I started. I still don’t know how I am alive today as I was so determined to end my life that year. I did attempt and I guess not succeeding changed me a little bit. I can’t explain it. I just remember attempting and then after it didn’t work, go on with my day like nothing happened. I had a concussion at the time.