Category: depression

Coffee, an omelet, and Taylor Swift

I didn’t want to get up today but my bladder was going to explode if I didn’t so I got up. As I was cathing, I got the urge to crap. I wasn’t even done emptying my bladder so I quickly sat down and my bowels let go. Better in the toilet than on the floor. The Miralax is working. I brushed my teeth after I washed my hands. It seems I am brushing every other day these days. I still haven’t made an appointment to have my teeth filled. I am too nervous about it. I came back to my room and checked my messages. My PCP has prescribed another calcium channel blocker for my hypertension. I am going to pick it up after my appointment with the uro NP.

I went downstairs to make coffee. My mother was in the kitchen so I asked her if she would make me an omelet as I never made one. She showed me how so I am going to try tomorrow. I had another cup of coffee and now I am listening to Taylor as I have a couple of hours before my appointment. I created a playlist last night that has her four newer albums. 91 songs, 6h 15 min long. I have more Taylor songs than any other artists. The only artist close to Taylor would be Mary Chapin Carpenter. I haven’t heard her in a long time. I tried listening to her during Christmas but I listened for an hour and then went back to Taylor. I don’t have Taylor’s Christmas album on my phone but I have her CD somewhere.

Every time I hear “Better Man”, I think about my father. If he was a better man we might have had a better relationship. I remember the day he died I must have looked at him for 5-10 mins in complete disgust at what he had become. I just hated him so much and I wanted nothing to do with him yet here I was at his deathbed with my sisters. I still remember the ambulance ride to his apartment and I was praying that he didn’t die in the ambulance because his breathing changed. I knew he was going to die that day. Something in me told me so. He lasted about 2 hours at home. I remember the day all the time, from taking the T with my sister to the nursing home and then taking him home via ambulance because my sister insisted he die at home.

My feet have been cold all day so I put on some wool socks that I bought. They are toasty. There is a snow emergency in effect soon and because it is supposed to snow all day tomorrow, I rescheduled my grocery order for Sunday as there were no slots available for Sat. Sat I go for Covid testing. I hope the roads are ok by then. We are expected to get like eight inches but I bet it will be less than that. The temps haven’t been that cold.

I just read on Twitter that gender affirming hormone therapy seems to decrease suicide and depression among youth. I can’t help but wonder if I had started hormone sooner if my depression would have resolved or stayed the same like it has the past year or so. I am not as suicidal as I was but I am still depressed and that can be from the trauma I have experienced in my childhood. I am entering my 4^th year on therapy. I had severe depression in 2019, a few months after I started. I still don’t know how I am alive today as I was so determined to end my life that year. I did attempt and I guess not succeeding changed me a little bit. I can’t explain it. I just remember attempting and then after it didn’t work, go on with my day like nothing happened. I had a concussion at the time.

If you think it is easy getting disability here is what isn’t easy…keeping up with medication regimens, bowel and bladder functions, mood, doctor appts (and there are many), PT, sometimes OT. And you don’t have an assistant helping you with all of this. It is just you.

And pain is one element of it. Mental and physical. The loss of who you were, your dreams shattered. I was deemed disabled at age 36. 10 years later I am still struggling, juggling, trying to be a person. But have your fun thinking all I do is stay in bed all day and sleep or watch TV while collecting money from the government. I wish I could sleep all day. I wish I could sleep at night mostly. Pain keeps me up most nights and it is hard to sleep. Then insomnia takes over and you don’t know when you are going to sleep again. You are up all hours of the day and night, exhausted. Just taking a shower is a full time job. As good as it feels to be clean, the process of washing your hair and body takes its toll on you. By the time you get to the drying off phase, you are winded and need to rest. Then you need to get dressed.

I have been living with disability for the past ten years. I am mentally and physically disabled. I suffer from PTSD, depression, CRPS, chronic pain, and chronic back issues. I can’t walk far. I have trouble with my bowels and bladder. I see more than three doctors for my conditions, not including my psych team. I have weekly therapy and see a psychiatrist every month for medication. I take more than eighteen pills per day. Some I take in the morning, the afternoon, and evening before bedtime. I have a med reminder app to help me remind me to take my meds or I would be lost as to when I need to take my pills or the last time I took a particular pill. I also use this app to help me remind me to empty my bladder every four hours.

I fight through exhaustion every day to get through the day. I have my morning cup of coffee that is part of my routine in the morning to get out of bed. Sometimes I am successful in staying awake if I slept somewhat ok. But if I slept horrible, that cup of coffee is like a sedative and I am back in bed sleeping for the day.

I cope with different strategies. I color in children’s coloring books because they are easier than adult books. I listen to music and sometimes I read. Mostly I am on social media where I talk to my online friends every day as we share puppy and kitten pics most of the day when other people share their pet pics. My therapist wants me to make a slideshow of them but I don’t like it because too many decisions are involved. I text my cousins or my friends to talk to them nearly every day. I also email a couple of people to keep in touch. Most of the time I communicate to my doctors through the patient web thing about problems that come up or side effects of medications I am having.

Day 3 of the new year

I woke up at 4 this morning and have not gone back to sleep. I am hitting my napping hours but I am going to try and stay awake as it is close to my bedtime hours. I ordered McD’s because I need comfort food today. I made a cheesy scrambled egg sandwich with hot sauce for brunch. Other than coffee, it has been the only thing I have eaten today. I just feel really low.

My therapist got back to me. We can keep our time. I don’t have to change it because it is virtual. My PCP’s office gave me a scheduling ticket to test for Covid. I will be doing that Saturday. I don’t know when the results will be back because of the weekend so probably Tues I should I have results. It will be the PCR test. My PCP’s RN who answered my message skipped the part about what to do with my blood pressure meds. Idiot. I responded and am still waiting for an answer back. My blood pressure was lower than it was yesterday but diastolic was still 90.

When I woke up this morning to pee, I had a sneeze attack when I came back to my room. I kept on thinking I got Covid but I think I just have a cold because all I have had the past three weeks have been the sniffles. No other symptoms. There is a lot of dust in my room so I am not surprised I am sniffling. I am too lazy to dust. I hate dusting. I need to dust my ceiling fan but I haven’t figured out a way to do it with one arm. There is no way I can raise my left arm the way it is right now. I can’t even put my arm behind my back. My Range of Motion is still off. I hope I can have it back. I sent a message to the PT about not seeing her this week but haven’t heard back yet. One time I got a message from her at like 2330 so I am not worried about when she will get back to me. She is a little odd but she is a good therapist.

I cleared out my inbox early this morning. I have no more clogging email. I just have one email in my box right now for a reminder for my catheters. My arm is sore and I really haven’t done much today aside from the exercises and keeping moving within range. All the muscles in my upper arm are sore and a couple in my forearm hurt as well. I haven’t mentioned to PT about the forearm. There is only so much to do in 45 mins and my upper arm muscles hurt more than my forearm muscles. I have to skip PT this week because of the Covid diagnosis. Fricken sucks. In three days, it will be three months since my fall. I am entering my third month of PT for this fucking shoulder.