Category: depression

Useless fucking appointment

My therapist canceled on me today because she was sick. I will see her tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I will go to the chronic pain group or not. The appointment is in the middle of the group time. I will decide tomorrow depending on how I feel.

I got to my appointment for pain doc early by twenty minutes. I didn’t bring a book with me so I just checked in. She confirmed that I have a spread because I have no trauma or injury to the area causing me pain. I have to get an x-ray because I want to be reassured that it isn’t something serious like cancer. She said there was some swelling on my leg. Then came the fucking bullshit of mindfulness and mind-body sessions to “correct the brain”. She was against the increase in pain meds but said I could ask my prescriber. She also wasn’t keen to prescribe the Neurontin increase to 1200 mg. I have to figure out who to go to for that. I will send a message to my neuro and see if she will change the dose. I don’t need pills. I have enough. But the whole thing about it being mindful and changing the way the brain processes stuff was just horseshit to me. I feel like I wasted my time. I have an appointment in four weeks with the PA and I will see what he says but I doubt anything is going to fucking happen.

I am upset that the CRPS has spread up my leg. I sort of started planning my death. I figure the end of June of next year will be a good time. I should be healed from top surgery enough and my niece will have graduated high school. That is all I have to live for. I told my former psych and she wants me to tell my psych people. I responded and said that my therapist already knows. I haven’t had a chance to tell my psychiatrist because I haven’t seen him. I don’t want to send him a message though the charting system because of nosey people. If my therapist can read my messages to him, other people in my care might have access to the messages too.

I hope in a year’s time the death with dignity act goes through my state. If it doesn’t, I plan on going to Colorado and do what I have to there to die. I am not going to wait until the CRPS starts to affect my knee. I won’t have it affect my walking anymore than it already does. I am not going to allow myself to live to see that happen. The doc was calling the opioid a band-aid. I rather have a band-aid than nothing at all, which is essentially what I have. There are no treatments other than the mindfulness stuff. I have a year to tell my pcp I am a no code, DNR, DNI, and any other measure that prolongs life. I want to die and if I can’t get a doctor to help me, then I have other means. I just hope what I have is enough. It is possible I could persuade a clinician to give me a little more of what I have just so I have enough. It is going to be a lot of pills to swallow. I just hope I don’t get sick.

Sunday Blog 01052022

First day of May. I started it off with brushing my teeth and shaving my face down to a stubble. I didn’t touch my mustache this time. My hair on top is slowly growing back so it doesn’t look like I am bald. A friend asked me if this was a start of a trend. I hope it is. New month to start a good way of hygiene.

Yesterday I found out Naomi Judd died by suicide. I am happy for her. She is no longer suffering. She also wrote of the struggles of hygiene and wanting to stay in bed all the time. I guess I am the same way as I do the same. I usually just sit up in my bed with my laptop or a book. If I am not up for that I am listening with my headphones to music. I sent an email to my former psych to tell her about my plans for ending my life if things don’t go well on Mon with the pain doc.

Last night I didn’t get much sleep as I woke up around midnight and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I read a few chapters of On Juneteenth. The book is more about racial inequality than about slavery in 1865. It also talks about how racism is hidden until someone brings it out then the whole white community acts out on it. People you thoughts were your friends are now against you. It is really sad. It isn’t a long book so I don’t mind reading it. I just have to take breaks from it because it angers me so much.

I had three meals today. Cereal at like 5am. McD’s at 10 and then leftover Chinese food now. My mother said the rice wasn’t good. I will have some later to try it. I didn’t have any yesterday. I just had my lo mein. My mother is making chicken in the oven as she didn’t want it to go to waste. My nephew had bought it but didn’t make it. Someone will eat it.

I took a nap around 1 and slept until 3. I feel good but a little groggy. I might make a cup of coffee. I made it. I am in the kitchen typing this. I felt like changing the location of where I was. I shaved my beard but I haven’t showered yet. I probably will before bed. I have a big day tomorrow. Sox are in a rain delay right now that might be called because it is the 6^th inning. They will lose if it is called. O’s are winning 4-1.

I have therapy tomorrow and then I have to call an Uber to see the pain doc. I hope she will listen to me. I will discuss this in therapy to try and not act demanding. I really just want an additional breakthrough med or an increase in the extended-release med. I need something for the pain. I like what I am on and don’t want to change it to something else. Just hope she agrees with me and honors my request.

Saturday blog 30042022

I had a rough night trying to get to sleep last night. Around 2330 or so, I started getting the spaghetti feeling in my arm. It kept flailing on me and my leg with it. I took some Benadryl and waited. When that didn’t work, I took some Ativan. I think by 0100, I was settled down enough to sleep. My med alarm went off at 0815 but I shut it off and went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till around 1300. I was surprised my bladder wasn’t ready to explode but I had no feeling. When I did void, it took forever to empty. I should have cathed.

I had my coffee and what was left of the lemon cake. I am not hungry but I know I should eat. My mother is making vegetables before they go bad, cauliflower and sweet potatoes. I want to order Chinese but I don’t think I can stomach it right now. I really don’t have hunger at all. I just want to go back to sleep.

My mother made chicken with the vegetables she made. I did end up ordering Chinese food because I wanted Lo mein. Plenty of leftovers for tomorrow. The house stinks of the cauliflower. My nephew opened the door but my mother got cold and shut it. She never leaves the door open long enough for the smells of cooking to leave. And she never uses the vent while cooking either.

I realized last night that I went from three appointments next week to five, with two on Mon. I am going to be exhausted. Three are virtual and two are in person. Wed I have no appointments so I can rest up that day.

Someone wrote an article on The Mighty about CRPS What My Doctors Never Told Me About Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome | The Mighty. I can relate 100% to it but it fails to mention the loss of being able to work. It briefly mentions how activities needs some down time on “good” days, which I don’t think is very accurate. It is very difficult to know a good day from a bad one. Monday regardless if I am having a good or bad day I still need to see my doctor. I know the appointment is going to take a lot out of me. It is an hour (depending on traffic) to get there, figure an hour of being there waiting for the doctor then actually speaking with the doc and being examined, then an hour or more ride home. One appointment equals three hours. That is a long time. I just bought some dates and I hope I remember to bring some with me so I don’t let my blood sugar drop. The doctor’s office is at an office complex with no place to stop to eat or get something to drink.

I was able to stay up till the top of the 9^th inning last night. Sox were leading 3-0 most of the game. We won 3-1, our 9^th win. I am not feeling so tired today so I might be up all 9 innings. Nate is pitching tonight. Hope he is nasty.