Category: depression

Journal entry 160621 0240

I’ve been in a weird brain fog. I tried to blog and even though I had a lot to say, nothing was coming to me. My mind was blank. I hate feeling like this.

I had a good day. Came out to my racist homophobic aunt and my mother’s friends. I wish I could have taken a picture of her face as my sister was trying to tell her my name was G not my birthname. Got scheduled for my hysterectomy. Got scheduled for derm, which I need to reschedule because it is on the same day as my post op visit and I don’t think I can handle two visits the same day. I didn’t see the derm I wanted to but it’s ok. I want to be seen sooner than December.

Met with PCP. He had a PA student with him. Blood work is fine but my urinalysis still shows infection or inflammation. I can’t tell, which would be the cause of my urethra pain. My A1c was perfect, lower than last time.

I set up an appointment with my therapist. I want to ask her questions and she said to send them so she has them when we meet so I did that.

I am waiting to hear back from uro on my urine results and getting an appointment. It is supposed to be either with NP or MD whichever has the earlier availability.

Neck hurts so I just took a BT med with some Tylenol. Ankle is also hurting. Fucker. Meant to tell PCP about my jaw and forgot. I guess I will have to see the dentist for this. I haven’t had a cleaning since before the pandemic so I am due for one.

PT is on vacation so I have nothing the rest of the week. Tomorrow I’m going food shopping again. I’ll probably buy more chicken tenders. Definitely need water. Will get some more Gatorade too.

Last night I made lemon chicken with zucchini and rice. It was really good. I really like it a lot and can’t wait to make it again.

I just cathed 300 cc’s or so. I didn’t have the urge but I knew I had urine in me. I feel better now that I am empty. I always do.

I am to stop the labetalol and record my BP for a week to see how it is. I am to send the reading to my PCP so he can see how I am doing. I wish he wanted to get rid of the lisinopril. I kind of like the beta blocker for the anti-anxiety effects.

Kind of a blah day

I was able to shave and shower today. My back is still flared up from it. I have been trying to rest it out but might need to take something. My ankle is flared up too. Always happens when I shower. I just took some pain meds and an Ativan because my back is cramping up painfully.

I didn’t do much today except rest. I am really tired for some reason. I see my pcp tomorrow morning. I hope I have a brain. Morning appointments are can be a challenge for me. I have somethings I want to discuss with him, mostly getting fasting labs. I think this will be my physical as I haven’t had one in a while.

I have been in a blah mood all day. I haven’t felt any energy or anything all day. I started writing a friend a letter and I couldn’t even finish it. I want to keep this blog going but I think today I am just going to write 250 words rather than 500 so at least I have some accomplishment for the day.

My PCP wanted me to contact uro on the urethral pain I am having and she got back to me. I am to have another culture and then follow up with her or her NP. Fun. And it will be virtually so I don’t have to worry about an exam or leaving with a catheter. It really feels like nerve pain but from what I don’t know. Weird that all of a sudden this happens.

Sox are playing the Jays tonight. The last game in the series. Nate Eovaldi is on the mound. I hope he can be nasty. We need a win after we got slapped silly yesterday. I am starting to think Fenway is cursed. We haven’t been successful in winning games there.

A mixed Sunday

Sox are getting their asses whopped on by the Blue Jays. Right now the score is 9-1 in the 4^th. Pitiful. Starting to think there is a curse at Fenway as we just can’t win games there anymore.

I talked with a cousin today. She read my memoir, Midnight Demon. She had no idea the struggles I went through over the years. We talked for about a half hour about things. She said that she had known I was masculine throughout my childhood but didn’t think I would be trans. She said it was hard to transition. I get it. But she makes an effort and that is all that matters.

Today is another warm day. I have the AC going. I am so tired though and don’t know why. I slept pretty good. I only woke up around midnight to pee and then went back to sleep, thankfully. I didn’t wake up till 7 when my bladder was full again. My sister was in the shower so I had to wait a little bit. She took forever. I need to take a shower one of these days. Maybe tomorrow or later tonight. I don’t have to worry about my sister and I fighting because she and my other sister went to the casinos for the night.

I had dinner with my mother. She made spaghetti with sauce. It was good. I feel like having a cup of coffee but it’s almost 1700 and if I do, I will be up all night. I didn’t have two cups like I wanted today. I didn’t get up till around noon for my first cup.

I am in pain today. My ankle is flaring up. Probably because the humidity is up. I have been trying to stay off it to let it calm down but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve had to get up to do my meds and get more Gatorade by the bedside. My legs are shot today for some reason. They really hurt when I stand up. My calf muscle is getting better. It is becoming less painful to the touch, which I am glad because I was worried I would have gone to the ED for evaluation.

Sucks the Sox had a day game. Now I got nothing to do tonight. The final score was 18-4 so I am glad I didn’t listen to it. I think Fenway is cursed because we have not been good at winning games there for some time. My jaw has been hurting me all day. I don’t know why it is so fricken tense. I need to see my dentist for a cleaning and for him to look at it. My last cleaning was before the pandemic. I was supposed to go in Jan of last year but I canceled it when I knew I was having back surgery. Hard to believe back surgery was only a year ago.