Category: depression

Grumpy day turns ok

I woke up around 1am to pee and had a difficult time getting back to sleep. I contemplated staying up but by 5 I was hungry so ordered food. The Uber driver didn’t text me so the food was cold by the time I woke up at 6. He didn’t get a tip. I ate and then went to sleep until my med alarm went off. I dozed a little too long so I couldn’t have coffee. I was not happy. My mother said good morning to me when she saw me and I got grumpier. I drank half of the coffee I made before having to leave to catch the bus so I could get my haircut. I was supposed to go to the post office and to the grocery store so I could get some more Gatorade but I was too sleepy to remember these things. I will go to the post office tomorrow. I ordered my groceries so my Gatorade will be delivered in the morning.

I was in a better mood when I got to my barber. He cut my hair like he always does. I love it. I usually get the same cut each time I see him. I contemplated going to get my passport picture done but I didn’t like the shirt I was wearing and want to wear a button down. I’ll probably get it done on Friday. That is the only thing that I need to have done other than to make an appointment to get my stuff processed.

After my haircut, I went to Starbucks for my macchiato and a sandwich. As I was returning to the station, the bus left. I had to wait twenty minutes for the next one which gave me time to eat and drink my drink. I got my headphones on and started listening to Taylor. Been listening to the Fearless (Taylor’s version) all afternoon. I came home exhausted and thought about making a cup of coffee. I had a headache that continues to bother me. My pcp got back to me about them as I have been having them since last Friday. He said not to take Tylenol because it could be a rebound headache I am having. So my head hurts and I can’t take anything for it. Brilliant!

I continued to work on the Suicide Thoughts Workbook when I got comfy in my bed/office. The chapter I was on dealt with crisis planning. I hate crisis planning because I never have the same plan for the crisis I am experiencing. I generally have one but I have written it down so many times or read about so many different ones that I just use whatever whenever the need arises. I am up to chapter 5 in this workbook and it is so tough working through it. I am finding it helpful though. I will review it on several platforms when I am done, including my blog.

Finally cooling off

T storms have finally arrived and it is much cooler than it has been the past few days. The humidity is down. I just shut my AC off after running it the past few days. I was sweating earlier so changed to a tank top. And cue my leg flaring up.my foot feels like electricity is running through it. It is so damn painful and is cold as ice.

I worked on the Suicidal Thoughts Workbook and it was hard. One of the exercises was writing about psychological pain or psychache as I call it. I never ran so fast away from a book before. I just didn’t know what to write so I just started writing in third person and got through it. Then it talked about hope and I got stuck. It was harder to write than about pain. I wrote it in my notebook so I don’t ruin the workbook. I then sent what I had written to my therapist. Told her this was hard.

I have been listening to Taylor all day. Folklore and evermore. Her music has been soothing to me today. I have been so sleepy and I don’t know why as I slept decently. I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. I feel wicked depressed for some reason. I still can’t get out of my head what my mother said about having a hysterectomy. She thinks it is “foolish” and that I won’t get my menses anymore. That is the whole fucking point. I know she equates the organ with womanhood. Sorry but I am not a fucking woman. I am not her daughter. Makes me so mad and hurt at the same time.

My back has been hurting the past few hours. I don’t know what I did or didn’t do. My neck is bothering me too. I took some Tylenol because the headache I have had since Friday came back today. I think it is because of the weather. I just want to sleep but know that if I do, I will be up in the middle of the night again, worsening my sleep issues. I just wish I wasn’t tired all the time. I never have energy anymore. I push myself to do things to get things done. Tomorrow I am getting my haircut and I want to get some more Gatorade. I have been drinking a lot to stay hydrated in this heat.

I am glad the Sox are in St. Pete as it is still threatening to rain in Boston. The are in first place right now but the Rays are in second so we could flip flop if they win. Our pitching hasn’t been the best since they have enforced the no “sticky” rule. My favorite pitcher is pitching tonight. He hasn’t done too good his last few starts. He faces a tough team tonight. Hope they don’t rough him up too badly.

Frustrating day

I have no idea why I have urethral pain so I have been cathing to avoid the pain of peeing. I don’t have an appointment with uro till next week. That is a long time to be in pain. My PCP said I could take the pyridium pills to help with the pain. I hate taking them because they cause retention really bad sometimes and I have to cath because it has been hours. Right now the pain is at a low level so we’ll see. My uro never answered the message I sent her about how the testing results ended up going to my PCP instead of her. I haven’t heard back. I was trying to get seen sooner but there are no openings.

I texted my therapist a lot today. I was hurting and just needed to vent to someone. She probably will say something when we meet. I am thinking of going back to partial for a few weeks. I don’t know if this will interfere with PT appointments. They have a partial partial where you meet for three days a week and attend just three groups a day, your choice.

Past two days I have not been taking my beta blocker as my pcp and I agreed to stop taking it. So far my blood pressure is ok was a little low this morning. I just took is now and it is lower than it was. I think it is because of the large dose of Neurontin that I took. I am sure it will be fine in the morning. I am not dizzy or anything but I am going to make sure I drink at least one bottle of Gatorade tonight. I really haven’t been drinking much today like I normally do. I don’t think I have had a meal other than the pancakes that I heated up. They had protein in it so I have something solid in my stomach. I also had some pretzels so I think I am fine food wise. I had some fruit today, too.

I wrote a message to my therapist early this morning and she didn’t respond. I was really hoping she would but she didn’t. I guess we will just talk about it on Monday. I gave her a list of questions that I would like answered first though. They are mostly concerning how we are doing in therapy. One of the questions I asked was Is she frustrated with me. Another question I asked was how does she think our alliance is. I asked this to find out if we are on the same page or not. The last question was about if she knew about corrective experiences. I think it would be nice if she has some experience in this.