Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days. Lots of stuff going on and just been overwhelmed and tired to write. Been hard to get my thoughts together. Will have a longer post later today.
Category: depression
Sunday Blog 30052021
Sunday Blog 30052021
My younger sister had a little party today for the Memorial Day weekend. It was raining so we didn’t have BBQ but she made an awesome rack of ribs that was out of this world. I couldn’t finish it because I had too much mac and cheese that a neighbor made. I love her mac and cheese it is so yummy. Perfect comfort food on this dreary day.
I told my middle sister today that I hate my mother and refuse to sit with her just to babysit her. She asked why and I said because she doesn’t respect me. She immediately defended my mother by saying it is hard and I told my sister that my mother was adamant about refusing to accept me as a son. I will always be her “daughter” and that is hurtful to me. I won’t stand for it. I dealt with it all my life and I will be damned if I will continue to take the hurtful stuff she says anymore.
When I told a friend about this, she was wondering why I didn’t tell my sister about the rape. I just couldn’t talk about this with this sister. She is not a receptive kind of person for this kind of thing. I also wasn’t in the mood to argue with her should it come to that because I knew she wouldn’t believe me.
I have another busy week. Tues I have therapy and PT. Thursday is an exciting day because my podcast will be published. I also see my psychiatrist then. I feel disconnected with this psychiatrist because I don’t see him often. He is a good guy though. He makes it easy to talk to him but we rarely go beyond 15 minutes and he bills for 30 mins. He tries to get me to talk and it is so bloody hard. Same as in therapy where I have so much difficulty talking. I think if we met in person it would be different. That maybe happening soon, maybe in the fall. I hope so. I really like seeing my therapist in person rather than on a computer screen.
The podcast I will talk about more on Thursday. I haven’t heard it so I don’t know if I will like it or not. I have trouble hearing my voice so we’ll see how this goes. People have told me I have a good soothing voice so we’ll see how others like it.
It is still freezing in my room. I shut the ceiling fan off yesterday and that helped some. But the wind and cold rain is still filtering in through the AC vent and making my room cold. I have a sweatshirt on and I have my fleece blanket on my bed in addition to what is already on my bed. I needed the extra layer. I also like the fleece blanket because there is weight to it and it calms me down.
I am in total pain right now. My left leg has flared up in pain and nothing is bringing the pain down. I took two breakthrough meds and my night meds and I am still in pain. It is going to be a long fucking night if this pain doesn’t quit. I might have to take some gabapentin. It has been a long while since I have had to take gaba. But now it has become a regular occurrence because the pain is just so bad. Just hope I can sleep tonight. That is all I care about.
Saturday Blog Post 29052021
Saturday Blog 29052021
I still have the urine infection. I have been taking the urinary pain tabs and it has been helping my urge but also suppressing the urge to go. I have had to cath three times during the night as I was up again around midnight. It had been more than six hours since I last voided so I cathed and omg urine was everywhere as I was so full. It was like popping a balloon. Luckily none went on the floor. I cleaned up afterwards so my sister wouldn’t have a fit.
I shaved my beard off. I then took my weekly shower. I used my moisturizing body wash. I had the urge to shave downstairs but I didn’t feel like it. My back and leg/ankle were already hurting me from shaving so I knew I had to make the shower quick. I like how my face feels right now. So smooth. Tomorrow I will have stubble.
I had made a steak for lunch and for some reason, I was still hungry afterwards. It was a huge piece so I don’t know why I am still hungry. My mother made chicken cutlets and I had two sandwiches. I still want a bowl of cereal. Maybe later.
I didn’t know what kind of music I wanted to listen to so I just played all my songs and it has been awesome. It has been good listening to music I haven’t heard in a long time. I listened to the playlist while I was in the shower. Right now Mary Chapin Carpenter is playing and her song Where Time Stands Still is on point for right now.
My left leg has flared up. For the past couple of weeks my shin has been hurting really bad. I think the CRPS has spread upwards and is now in my leg. I see a new neurologist in July and I hope she can figure out why I have this pain. It is a 10 right now and I am tempted to take another breakthrough med.
It is freezing in my room. I have a sweater on and just put on my fleece blanket on my bed. I am fricken cold. The game is delayed. But they just started to play again. It is raining on and off and temps have been in the 40s. The wind is making it colder. I don’t mind my room being cold. I love snuggling under the covers. I just shut my ceiling fan off. I didn’t do a good job dusting them off. There is still dust on the blades but I got the dust bunnies off, which was the more important thing.
The muscles around my ear is flaring up again. My jaw gets affected and hurts when I open my mouth. All I can do is massage around the ear and hope it lets up. Sometimes a Zanaflex works but it makes me sleepy so I try not to take it. I will if I feel like sleeping and can actually sleep. Sox are playing now. I am tempted to listen to the game. They are leading 1-0 right now. I haven’t listened to a game in a long time. I just have been getting updates on the MLB website. I am just in so much pain I don’t know if I can pay attention to it. I just want to take a nap. But it is too late as it is close to bed time. In a couple of hours I will take my night meds and go to sleep, hopefully with another Sox win.
Early start to the day
Early start to the day
I woke up at 6 because I had to pee. I think I am getting another UTI because I have been three times since then and it hurts to pee. It’s the holiday weekend so I am just going to drink plenty of fluids and take urinary pain tabs the next few days. Hopefully that clears it up.
I am trying to stay awake but I really just want to go back to sleep. I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I don’t really know why. I never got into a deep sleep. I was just dozing throughout the night. Around 5ish I started getting pain in my shoulder and my right arm went numb. I didn’t want to move to take some pain meds. Now that I am up and about the pain and numbness is gone.
I am down to my last 4 bottles of Gatorade so I ordered some more through Amazon so I don’t have to go out. I couldn’t get the quantity or flavor I wanted but least I will have some to get me through the weekend. Monday I will be going to the grocery store with my cousin so I can get some more bottles then. I need to get my recycle down to the bin as I am in overload right now with empty bottles.
My neck is bothering me again. It’s just tight with tension. I am so tired of this pain nearly every day. I wish I could massage the pain away but it is hard to do it with my opposite hand. I can’t seem to massage exactly where I hurt. Leg pain just increased. I have had it. Going to take pain meds and some Zanaflex to calm down my muscles. I wanted to order Kung Pao chicken but now I am not hungry anymore. Maybe later.
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