Tag: suicide

frustrated, why yes I am!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Feeling really frustrated. I didn’t get my Long Term disability approved today as they still need more information which means I won’t have any money for the next four weeks. I am also frustrated because I am down to my last few tablets of pain meds because apparently I have been in more pain this week causing me to use what I had. Now I have a few to carry me till Monday because my PCP thinks I am an overdose risk because of my mental illness. My safety with my narcotics have never been an issue and both my psychiatrist and therapist can vouch that I have found more lethal methods of killing myself than overdosing. I am just so damn aggravated that I have to be swimming in pain and then just when I think I am going to get relief my PCP decides I have to stay on the boat and I can’t come to shore. I have to continue to suffer this game of his, not mine. I understand the risks involved but withholding pain meds to a chronic pain patient just doesn’t make sense to me especially when that pain makes me want to kill myself. I have not thought of killing myself since this regimen but then my mood has been alleviated somewhat. The reason for this I am not sure other than I just can’t stop and think of how shitty my life truly is at the moment because if I stop and do think, I might be back in the abyss faster than David Copperfield disappeared the statue of liberty.

I am so tired of fighting for everything. I fight to stay alive when I don’t know why, I struggle just to make ends meet and I struggle just to make it through the day without causing harm to myself.  And now I have to struggle to deal with my pain meds when before I was given them freely. I have not and will not harm myself with these drugs. The rope I have in my room will suffice. Or the many plastic bags I have in my house will do. I just have to concoct some brilliant plan that doesn’t allow my family to find me, find some location off and hide myself with my ID so they do not have to have that awful experience.

I see my doc on Monday and I hope that I can hold out until then. I have had to use more pain meds because I have been in more pain lately. I don’t know why. Sometimes I have pain while going about my business and other times like today I am hurting really bad and all I want to do is cry. My back and leg is giving me the Nth degree of pain and I don’t know what hurts more. I got someone stabbing me in the back and my ankle is exploding in nerve pain. I think me adding neurontin might have helped me sleeping better.  I just don’t know what combo will work one night and what will work the next. It so fricken sucks not knowing and no doctor can say just why this is. They just have their own ideas on what will work and what will not but even then it is a trial and error game.  It’s like with my trials of antidepressants. I have been on ALL of them. I can run off the list but that will be pointless because I am sure that most of you will say yes I have had success with this one or that one. I currently have had some success with Cymbalta but it is expensive and when my insurance runs out I am not sure I can continue to take it. Then we have all the mood stabilizers and surprisingly, I have not been back on one since Jan of this year. I think that I might go back to it but not right now. I have not been having the ups and downs of life just mostly really, really, really DOWNS. Twenty years ago I probably would have been committed to a hospital as I have been in and out of the hospital since I was sixteen.

I have been having a harder time. This has been since I found out my father’s liver cancer has spread to the good part of his liver. He is now facing radiation treatment. I guess you can say that he is having his due for the cruelty he brought to my sisters and mother, though he will deny it, saying he was a “good father” and that he was “just joking”. I am sure that he was “joking” when he told me to jump off the bridge when he found out I was suicidal. That was a painful night when he came to my room. I was sure that he wanted me to stab myself with the huge knife that was hanging outside my bedroom door but no, he said if I wanted to kill myself, to go jump off the bridge. I guess I finally got “permission” to end my life. My life is obviously worthless to him. That is why when people tell me I matter I do not believe them. How can I when my father told me how to kill myself?  Here’s a clue dad, it is not a joke what you told me. I took it to heart just like when you called me a liar and said that I was nothing. I am nothing. I am worthless, my life does not have any meaning. How could it?

pain as a midnight demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

feb 15,2011

It’s 3:30 and I can’t sleep. I have been trying to go to sleep for the past 2 hours to no avail. The nerve pain in my left leg has started up and it feels like some one is pinching me.  Since my Godfather’s death last week, I have been in a weird state of mind where suicidal thoughts have been blunted.  Now that my physical pain has started up again, I am thinking of ending it.

For the past two weeks, my neck has been hurting. I finally made an appointment with my PCP and of course he is away until Wednesday. Never ceases to amaze me that whenever I need him the most he is away. I’m not sure if this neck pain is due to the car accident I had a few weeks ago or if it’s just because of stress.

 

I finally called the loan people. I have to pay more than I was expecting which means I’ll have to work more in the chem lab than I would like. I am so tired right now to working in that place and the thought of having to work extra days to afford the loans is just killing me. But I have no choice. It’s either I pay them the same amount or they garnish my wages that 15%. The nice thing about doing it this way is that after nine months I will be out of default and hopefully my credit will be better. I won’t be totally fucked.

 

I again had a phone session with Bozo because I was just too lazy to get out of bed. I don’t even remember what we talked about but she again reiterated what I was saying which totally annoyed me. We talked about my nephew for a little bit and his grandiose schemes, which I have to laugh because nobody seems to know what grandiose means. It’s funny how psych babble seems to enter my vocabulary without me even being aware of it. Hard to believe that 10 years ago I was lying in a hospital bed wondering if I’ll ever walk again. Around this time the staph infection, was making me very sick. And today I am able to walk but all I have left is this fricken pain that haunts me every night, causing me to lose sleep more than my depression ever could.

I am supposed to be off tomorrow. I hope that I sleep all day. I have not taken any Ativan tonight. But I just took 1200 mg of gabapentin to try and see if that controls this pain. I guess that is all I have to say for now.

crying wolf

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I feel like my suicidality at this point is a crying wolf phrase. No one seems to believe me when I tell them how much I am hurting but I do not utter the words Suicidal to them for fear of the cops showing up at my door. Instead I bitch on facebook on how much I am hurting and my melancholy is great and no one, not one of my 700 friends responds to it. So I found out tonight that my love wants to grow old with someone else and I am hurting really bad. I wrote my therapist a detailed letter saying that I want to overdose and gave her details of the plans. I kind of feel now that these words I wrote are like the diary of Dostoevsky. He writes in tangents and so do I…

I have written a detailed plan of my demise and yet cannot fathom my therapist doing anything about it when she does read it. I have sent her texts stating that I am at a very vulnerable state but it is after hours and she is off tomorrow so I might not get a response till Monday. Will it be too late by then? Should I call someone to talk to and say what….Wolf is at my door trying to kill me again? I have said this many times yet no one takes me seriously. Why should they now? I am so full of pain that I am not sure what to do. There are numbers I can call but who wants to speak with a stranger. There are friends I can call but who wants to bother them and cause them worry. So I sit in my room with my music reminding me of my pain and listen and try and think of something useful to write because otherwise I might act on my thoughts…

old blog post

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Jan 25,2011

I woke up this morning and my mood was absolutely rock bottom. It took forever for me to wake up. I felt like I was walking in mud and by the time I actually made it out the door for therapy, I was exhausted.  So I had this session with a crazy therapist that wants me to live despite feeling like an asswipe.  I don’t know really what happened today. We were sitting there talking and I was overwhelmed with all that I have to do for my research job and then go into my clinical job and I just felt the intense urge to die and told her so. She says no which pissed me off more and I told her I wasn’t going to see her again. The exhaustion I have been feeling the past three weeks, overwhelmed as I was sitting there pondering what to do.  Should I call out knowing that my supervisors are going to say something as this is the 3rd time I have called out on a Monday or go in and tread the mud and anguish of a 4 hour shift.  I chose to call out and went home.   Didn’t do a thing but couldn’t really sleep as I felt guilty about not working. Then to make matters worse, my boss called me around 5:30pm for something I do not know about.  I totally forgot about the lab meeting this morning but getting up early is always hard for me, especially when I work till midnight and stay up till about 2 am to get to sleep, if I can.

I also tried to call my friend in South Africa as he is having a difficult time right now with his nerve injury. He is the bravest man I know who has a good heart.  He is from Scotland and grew up in England. I love his accent though sometimes it is difficult to understand when he talks fast (sorry Guy). I was finally able to reach him and text him to let him know I am there for him.  For some reason whenever I am in this hell of psychache, reaching out to someone helps ease the pain. I know my friend is worried sick about his future. I had helped him years ago through a crisis and he is grateful that I was able to help him. He calls me his therapist, which I get freaked out about because I am not licensed or trained. I just have enough experience with this bullshit to get to the heart of the matter without talking a lot of jargon.  I have always like the word jargon…it makes things sound more complicated than it is yet that is the true meaning of the word.

Anyways, it’s 1:30 am now and my meds still have not knocked me out. I hope I am not going through cycling, where I am hypomanic and then depressed and then hypomanic and then crash deeper into depression. That will fricken kill me.

Tomorrow I really don’t know what I am going to do. I might take another off day but I don’t really know that I can.I just want to get these projects done yet I am so fricken overwhelmed by them it freaks me out and I can’t prioritized, focus, or get the motivation to do what I have to do. I am stuck in limbo with my feet in cement trying to walk and talk and appear all happy to others because if anyone knew just how suicidal I truly am, they most likely would laugh or not take me seriously.  All the more reason why I should make an attempt. I just want to get it out of my system. If it works then fine, my worries are over but if not, then I am truly a failure.

One of the members of the support group that I have talk today about how suicide wrecks families. But would the feelings be the same if the sufferer were dying of cancer? Would you want that person to continue suffering just so YOU don’t have to because they are going to die?  People with serious painful depressions don’t have the luxury of their own bodies to say ok heart muscles, I have had enough stop working. Or to tell the brain stem to stop the lungs working because they have had enough pain, anguish, and despair to keep forcing air into their lungs when all they want is to stop it.  You want to know why a person kills themselves, I’ll tell you, it is because they are in so much friggen mental pain, anguish, shame, guilt, despair, and agony that they just cannot go on anymore. Maybe someone left them, maybe they lost their job and so they are losing their house. Or maybe things appear to be going well in their lives but it is all built around the façade that if they truly knew what was going on in their heads, they would be locked up.  President Lincoln was a good example of this. Most of his closest friends, which were few, knew that he had a darkness that he couldn’t control. In one of the books I read, it said that he often thought of hanging himself on a tree outside the white house because the war was going to badly, his Union was dissipating into nothing and people were dying because of the separation.  Yet he didn’t go through with it. But, unfortunately or maybe fortunately, John Wilkes Booth was able to end his life.  That was tragic, but would it have been more tragic to see a man suffer all his life with this illness and see no possible end to it. To be forced to live against one’s will just so other people not feel sad at their death??  Death is a part of life. It might come natural, tragic, or self inflicted.  Every time I hear about a suicide, I feel a little but happy for that person because I KNOW they are no longer in pain. They are free.