Ramblings 2

For the past few days I have been feeling intensely suicidal at times and not sure why that is. The burden of escape presses upon me and I wish that by wishing I would cease to exist. I just feel that I have nothing to live for as my psychache is peaking. I was doing good for a while, being content but now it seems I am going back into the abyss again.  I have been trying in vain to find the escape article but I just cannot find it. I might have tossed it in the recycle bin or something. The reason I want to read this article is just so that I have something to read that is academic.
I have been reading Hamilton’s biography and a book on the American revolution but none of these books hold my attention for long. The Hamilton book is very dense. It took me a long time just to get to where I am now, about 50 pgs into it. Hamilton lead an extreme hard early life to become one of the founding is quite remarkable. It fills me with sadness knowing I will never be at high ranks. I just plug along being an outcast. I have very few friends I keep in regular contact with. I am a loner to say the least.
I struggle with wanting to take my life on a daily basis. I never know what day it will be that I take my life. Some people hope that I won’t but I can’t stand living in misery all the time. I am a negative person and always see the glass half empty but I have nothing to refill the glass with. I am a sorry human being who doesn’t deserve to live. Why I am so wretched I know not why. I am nothing and always will be one. People say life is what you make it but I hardly have the strength to get out of bed some days. I hardly can take in a breathe when I need to.