I had therapy today. Seems there isn’t a day when I don’t have therapy. I asked my therapist if she thought I should be in the hospital but seeing as I haven’t had a split episode in the last few days, there might not be a need. I don’t know what else we talked about. Seem to cover the whole weekend and what my pdoc said about the splits. I hope that I don’t become Mr. Hyde again. Those bouts are really painful emotionally to go through. I still have the letter to Jobes. I am debating sending it to him but deleting the part where I tell him I am ending my life. Right now I am not feeling it. I hate when I feel it and then I don’t. These suicidal feeling really don’t last too long but I still am wondering if I am letting myself down by continuing to live. I had a pain flare up after I changed my bedding and after I took a shower today. I just feel like my life would be better off if I were dead. But I have my writing and people in my life that need me. Not to mention my readers on my blog.
I just passed the 10,000 mark for viewership. Ten thousand people read my blog. I feel so honored. When I woke up this morning I got the last 7 views to make 10k. Turns out there was someone in Turkey that read my blog and I thank that person.
I am still feeling down. I have a new project that I am working on. I am going to write another paper about CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have the idea for it where it answers people’s questions about recovery and such. I wish my CES 101 paper got some hits when they view it and I am not sure why it doesn’t get a hit. But then I read it and found that it has no intro so I will work on that later today.
I had an anxiety attack today while on the bus. I took the 15:13 bus, which I have avoided to take because of a certain mentally disabled passenger that annoys me. Today was wicked muggy and I didn’t feel like waiting for the next bus at 15:42 so caught the earlier bus. I wish I didn’t. When we got to Magoun Square, a bus load of kids got on. I don’t know which one of us flipped out first, the mentally challenged guy or me. Well not really flipped, but panicked. Then a lady with a two year old in a stroller got on and blocked the entrance way. That is when I had to get off the bus. I was having such anxiety it wasn’t funny. I haven’t had anxiety like that in such a long time. I had to stand near the rear exit and prayed the bus driver didn’t miss my stop like he has in the past. I will never take that time bus again. I just can’t stand the anxiety this guy makes me feel. I have seen him flip out and with my PTSD, I just get really nervous. I have been in situations while inpatient where you can see guys like him flip out because you invade their personal space or just walk by him and accidently touch him. It was one of those situations. And today he looked like he was out of sorts already. It just makes me really uncomfortable. I still am shaking just writing about it.
midnightdemons7 
You are NOT letting yourself ‘down’ by continuing to live~ I think you ARE letting yourself down by NOT ALLOWING yourself to LIVE! PTSD, anxiety attacks ARE truly AWFUL, I KNOW~been there done that & still have it happen almost daily~scares the bejeebus out of me. But somehow on a gutt level I remember I have LIVED though them.when it happens! And living through the attack surprises me EVERY TIME! Just right now, I’m opting to NOT let the FEAR of an anxiety attack or PTSD attack control me. 10 minutes from now or the next hour or tomorrow may be entirely different.
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