I just woke up about a half hour ago. I feel like I am a stretched out elastic. I took some meds as it is side effects from my anti-psychotic. I just cannot deal with this so have decided not to take my meds tonight. I am skipping the week of BCP because I still have my menses and don’t know when they are going to end.
My pdoc says that I needs to see an Ophthalmologist because I have been having problems with my vision lately. I guess it will be a good idea as I have not been to the eye doc in more than a year now. But I hope that it is just because my eyes are tired and can’t focus and not some other reason. I dealt with eye issues a few years ago and it was not fun. I swear all the lights they were sticking in my eyes caused a migraine and I was miserable for the rest of the day.
It feels weird not being able to work on my book. I know I am done and everything. I got to print out the book for one last time and see how it all comes together. It will be good to have a final manuscript anyways. I just hope my editor will be good. Don’t know if I said this before, but she mostly has been working on fiction and romance novels, neither of which is my story. I have the second payment into her this week, tomorrow actually. I just worry and I know I shouldn’t. How hard can it be to edit a biographical account? Least with her other editing projects, I know she has experience editing.
Today is my birthday. I don’t know what I will be doing today. I probably will get out of the house and get some coffee. I need it. It is going to be a weird week as I am not talking to my therapist as she is on vacation. Phone is going to be more silent than usual. My mother has a party for me but no one has given me the details about when to show up. Typical. I think I will just stay in my room and when they call, I will just say well you should have told me. I remember last year this time I was sick. I had a nasty cold that took all the life energy from me. Think it lasted until the New Year. So I briefly made an appearance and then went back to bed.
I hate my birthday. I don’t mind celebrating other people’s birthdays but I hate celebrating my own. I always get screwed because my day is close to Christmas. This year is the second year since being out of work. I just find it depressing, really depressing. And this year I wanted to be in the ground. I guess i have been wanting to be in the ground since I was 10. Almost thirty years of fighting this bullshit depression. And I still wonder why I am still here.
midnightdemons7 