been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours and have not been successful. My mind keeps thinking about things, mostly about how I have not been thinking of suicide the past few days and it just seems odd. How can I go from thinking about suicide every day to not thinking about it at all? Weird. I also have been in pain the past hour or so. I just took something for it.
I am feeling like I should be doing something. But it’s one thirty in the morning. I thought I would write as it just seems like that always brings my thoughts down and makes them go away enough that I can actually sleep. But my I just realized all I had to eat today was some eggs with ham and a few doughnuts. That was quite a while ago. I didn’t have supper. I wanted to order out but I took a nap instead, which is probably why I can’t go back to sleep. I keep looking, well actually scrolling, through Facebook on my phone and going on twitter but nothing new is happening.
I really feel like I should be dead or something. This living thing is hard to really think about. I don’t know what my life is going to be like now. I still have thoughts of buying a cemetery plot and a casket. I really want to buy a casket. I know that is really morbid but it is how I feel. So I might not be suicidal but I still think about death and dying. It is not the same as wanting to kill myself because I am not planning my death. I am just wondering what it would be like if I were dead. I wonder if people will think about me in the same way. I know my mother would be heartbroken. I could careless what my father feels. I don’t know how my sisters will feel.
I have been thinking about reading something. But writing is much more fun. I have been trying to get into the new book called “far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon but it stirs up too many feelings. I am having a hard time reading it so you know it is a good book. It talks about homosexuality and disability. Both of which I am. I didn’t choose to be gay, I just am. I like women. But seeing as I am a transgender, I guess that would make me straight. I don’t know if I ever will be the man I am meant to be. It seems like it is too difficult to try and do. I hate being called “her” or “she”. Some parts of me just feels like I have to accept it. But it hurts when I try and settle for the wrong gender pronouns. I am sure my father wouldn’t like to be called a her. I had some stubble growing again on my chin. He said I should shave. The stubble was irritating me anyways so I did. I then felt bad. I don’t know why I did it. I knew I would feel bad afterwards. But at least I know that it will grow back.
When I was working, I always shaved it off. I liked the idea of shaving every day. I wouldn’t touch my mustache but I would shave my goatee. Now that I am no longer working, I just don’t shave anymore unless I feel like it or I have to go some place important. I don’t know if I will ever take hormones to be a man. I would love to but I don’t know if I can at this stage of the game.
Well, my meds seem to be kicking in right now so I am going to try again to get some sleep.
midnightdemons7 