I took a fall last week, on my birthday. I didn’t think I did anything as I landed mostly on my butt and hip on the stairs. I just pretty much collapsed on the steps. Today my back is hurting and my left leg feels week. Also my thigh is twitching. All indicates that something happened. I don’t really want to have another MRI as the last one sucked but it’s the only way to know if I did something to my back. I am hoping it clears up by tomorrow because I really don’t want to end up in the ER on New Year’s eve. All of this worry and anxiety has flared up my PTSD symptoms with flashbacks of my second diagnosis. I keep hearing my surgeon tell me has never seen a disc fragment so big and that he has no clue how I was able to walk as my nerves were so compressed. I still don’t know how I was able to do it. I was working two jobs at the time and moving stuff in the lab as we had a freezer go down. It was a nightmare. Plus we had two interns from Mexico come to help out the lab and I was no good to either of them because I had to have surgery a month into their arrival. All of these memories keep flooding my brain. I really think I reherniated my L2/L3 disc again. It would account for my symptoms. What a way to ring in the New Year with potential surgery. I will be screwed and most likely permanently disabled if this happens.
To say I am scared is an understatement. I keep moving my foot and toes to reassure myself that things still work. I haven’t done any leg raises because that is hard to do with the laptop on you, LOL. I will do them when I get off. If I didn’t have thigh pain, I probably wouldn’t be worried but that is how everything started with my second go round in the operating room. The surgeon missed a fragment his first go round with my nerves and my left leg became fuzzy and then weak and then non-functioning all within three days time. So now I am at the fuzzy stage and I am freaking out!!
This is what I have to live through and I swear if it is CES again, I am not going to live through it. I will kill myself because I would rather die than be permanently disabled. I will have to have a fusion done to stabilize my spine and I have had too many people have them done and something go wrong. They never recovered and never was able to return to work. I don’t want that to happen to me. I know I am not working now but why should I go through the agony of losing what I regained again to being worse than what I am now. Totally not going to happen. I am too smart to let them talk me into a fusion. I just won’t. I rather be dead.
midnightdemons7 
Guy, my dear friend. It was just a flare up, thank god. I still have control over everything. I keep forgetting not to over do but you know what that is like. You don’t realize that until it’s too late.
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Ha!! I have had 4 fusions and look at me…oh no…better not!! But seriously, I know lots of people who have had successful fusions; in fact my first one was really successful for 15 years. And the last one in my neck was successful too… But if you think there is damage then get it looked at quick!!! Hap gain look at me; I always get my medical issues dealt with immedi… Oh…hold on…no…that’s not right either. But if I DID actually have my medical things looked at earlier, I wouldn’t be here planning the death of several nurses… How far could I shove the stethoscope I wonder?? From all this though, I know I can cope with only certain levels of disability…as soon as I have my independence removed then I go wobbly. So I am now basically independent…it is safer (but much slower), and less painful if I transfer myself into bed, and I also told them to shove their bed baths as from yesterday. Clearly several of the staff here, seem to take some perverse pleasure in giving bed baths, as they have been trying to get me to change my mind… But I know for certain that I could not live as a quadriplegic. That is not to criticise anyone who does, just in my make-up I know, for certain it would be impossible.
But get yourself checked out, if you suspect any damage. Do it or I shall be very cross!!!
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Hello….just wanted to drop you a line. I read all through this blog and my heart sank….Please don’t let this horrible predicament cause you to hate or end your life. I know that as long as your heart is beating and there is breath in your body, your work is unfinished on this earth. Please reconsider. I want you to know that I will personally be praying about this matter and you. I don’t know what I could say that you wouldn’t combat with, but I really care…please…try to get through this and root for the best outcome-fervent prayer if you are religious which would really help, but if you are not, I just want you to know that you are most definitely in my prayers and this matters A LOT. Sometimes we can’t see things clearly from our personal point of view….maybe trying for a little faith could help. I know that I do not have the same issue as you, but I know what it feels like to want to die for other reasons I have not disclosed… I am so glad I didn’t now, God bless you ❤
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