not in a good mood

I have been in a depressed state the last few days. It has never affected my writing before but this time it has and that scares me. I found out that a classmate of mine died yesterday. Wake is today and I want to go. I have to travel by T (public transportation) as it is wicked cold and services are in the evening. It is going to be a long day.

I haven’t written in my new book the past few days either. I just can’t seem to focus. The energy that I had on Monday is gone. Seems like it went out the same time my friend’s life did. I am really sad. I am not sure what she died of, people have just been saying complications due to diabetes but what those complications were, no one knows. I read on one page that she needed a kidney. She and I were the same blood type. If I had known sooner, I could have helped out. I feel really bad about this but my therapist says given my health issues it wouldn’t have been possible. At least I could say I tried. Now I am just left wondering.

I don’t know why I am writing this. I am not in a good mood. But I felt like I had to write as it has been almost three days and that is quite unusual for me. I knew that if I didn’t write something today, I might not come back to it. I might write another blog about the wake experience. I am having another therapy session today. I don’t know why I asked for one. I am not in the mood today to talk. I am just really grumpy and I don’t know why.

My therapist keeps asking me if I am suicidal. I am not, I truly am not. Monday I had a bad pain spell. And it left me feeling more depressed than I thought it would. It’s going on three days now. I don’t know what I will wear for this wake. I want to go but yet I don’t. I don’t know if my dress up clothes will fit me. It has been a long time since I have worn them. And the temperature is still in the twenties. Probably will dip after the sun goes down. BBBRRRRRR.