world needs a dimmer switch

I have been in a stupid depressive state the past few days. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I haven’t left the house except for going to other family member’s doctors appointments. I just feel wicked run down.

I didn’t write yesterday because I just couldn’t think of anything to say. Today I don’t have much to say except that I am depressed and don’t feel much like living. I am not really suicidal. I don’t have any plans or anything but I just am struggling with making my mind work so I can write again. I hate when writing is a struggle for me. And the only thing that I really have been writing lately is this blog. I have run out of ideas for the connection book I am working on. I am not depressed enough to continue writing my darkness story, though I am thinking of adding it to my book so it will be published. I think I will add it as an addendum or something.

I hate it when I have the depression that makes me want to do nothing. It’s like everything is in slow motion and people are throwing me fastballs. I just can’t think. I can’t read. I can’t do anything. I don’t get dressed. I don’t shower. I don’t brush my teeth. I just stay in my room all day and check Facebook. I don’t even play my game that often anymore. I literally have nothing to do on days I don’t have therapy. And I hate not going to Starbucks. Sure I am saving money by not going, but it doesn’t get me out of the house. I don’t even crave coffee while I am home. I have been debating making a cup most of the day. It is still early enough to make one but I just don’t have the energy to do it. I am not making excuses. I really just don’t feel like doing anything. And if I think of doing something, it just takes so much energy.

Like today I wanted to make pancakes. But every time I went into the kitchen and thought about getting the ingredients together, mixing them up, using the flat iron to make them. It just overwhelmed me. So I had a bowl of cereal instead followed by some marshmallows. I think the marshmallows were overkill as I feel really nauseous right now. Either that or I am getting a migraine. That’s the other thing that gets me. Why do I get a migraine when I have not done anything except go out my bedroom and see light. Bright lights always trigger a migraine for me. I am just that sensitive to light. I HATE bright days. And now that spring is coming there is going to be more bright days. That depresses me. I don’t like spring or summer. I know it’s baseball season during those seasons but I just don’t like the brightness. I wish the world had a dimmer switch. Because when you suffer from migraines, light hurts.

I don’t know what I am going to do this weekend. I have nothing planned but then, I usually do have nothing. Except for sleeping. Today I went back to sleep and had a good rest until my mother woke me up to ask me about some actress. UGH there went the good sleep I was in. I think if she didn’t wake me up, I probably wouldn’t have gotten this stupid migraine.

I also think that I have lost interest in Twitter. I used to check it so often during the day that I thought my data usage was going to go through the roof. I have unlimited but I only use twitter on my phone as it’s easier for me than the computer. But like reading, I have slowly lost interest in it. I still check it during Red Sox training games as they are not all televised. I guess just the “home” games are and the “away” aren’t. Anyways, I check the score and how the players are doing. I haven’t been doing it all day like I used to. I like twitter because there is only a 140 character limit (like a text message) and usually the pics are only seen if you click on the tweet. Makes for easy reading and scrolling. Unlike Facebook where everything is shown and you can write essays for your status. I really would love to unfriend some people because all they do is post bullshit sayings or repost this if you believe in god or want cash or luck or whatever. It is just so annoying.