Doubts

Doubts

I just got through my second read through edits on my book. Wow, I didn’t know how much of myself I am putting out there. I know I put a lot out in this blog, but having it in paperback is something different. Not saying it won’t sell, but I am just having my doubts about myself being out in the world, my wounds really exposed for all to see. I know I have an important message out to people, that people who survive suicide attempts can get their act together when they think they can’t. I also talk a lot about CAMS, probably more than I should, but I believe in the philosophy too much not to say a lot about it.

I am worried about my father. He is not doing well and definitely not himself. I spent the morning with him at his stupid PCP that took forever. I wish they would do something more for him but other than hospitalizing him, there is nothing more they can do for him. And I am not sure where he would go for his condition as his providers are scattered throughout the Boston area. Like me, he is a complicated case. And because his doc wants to see him later this week, I had to reschedule my appointment for my pdoc. Sucks, because now I know it will be at least another two weeks before I see her again. UGH.

I have been up since 5. I woke up in pain and still have the pain. But because I was driving most of the day, I couldn’t take anything for it. Now I am home and I am relaxing so I can take something. Tomorrow I am not going out. I need to recoop from today. I didn’t walk much but being up early and being in pain all day takes a lot out of you. I was hoping to have a session with my therapist today but doesn’t look like it is going to happen.

I tried taking a nap today but my book was on my mind too much. At one point I got so nervous, I thought I was going to puke. I emailed my editor and she said the decision was up to me. Thanks, that is helpful. People are looking forward to my paperback and what am I going to do if they don’t get it?? I just don’t know. If you are reading this and would like a copy of my book, please comment and tell me. Maybe that will sway me…