I didn’t write a blog yesterday. So I thought I would try and write two today. I was in a daze yesterday and it had nothing to do with drugs. I just was extremely tired so I slept all day. All I had to eat was some scrambled eggs that I made around three in the afternoon. Today I made the same thing. Seems I have moved away from making an egg sandwich to scrambled eggs.
Today I have been up since five. I have been trying to go back to sleep but have failed. I don’t have anything to do today except to pick up my sister’s car when it’s done at the mechanic’s shop. I supposed I will have to pick her up for work as well.
I had therapy today. I really just want to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be another early day as I have an appointment with my father again. I have to take him for testing. All this month, I have to take him to one appointment or another. I am just exhausted.
The other night I wrote about theories on suicide because I couldn’t sleep. I still have to type it up. Maybe if I do, it can be my second blog for the day. But I am not sure it is done. I have to work on it some more. But the big thing is typing it out. I have it handwritten right now. Much good that will do me to blog about.
I still am trapped in the depression. I don’t know what I was doing yesterday, I think I was getting dressed, and my clothes just felt so heavy to pick up. This is getting ridiculous to have ordinary things that I have picked up a thousand times, all of sudden feel heavy. How can a T-shirt weigh so much?? A thousand, sure, but one?? I just don’t get it. And my brain hurts today to think. I got up early because my sister wanted me to be up but I got the hours mixed up. I was supposed to be at her house at 730 not 630. DOH. So I had to wait an hour for her to get ready and stuff. I got to see my little niece (she is 9 but she is still my baby). I haven’t seen her all week because I just been cooped away in my room. We usually watch one of her TV shows together. But lately I haven’t been in the mood to go down the stairs. It bothers my foot sometimes and I just need to rest it. Yesterday was the same thing. I checked the mail because I am waiting for something from my friend in Canada and by the time I made the two flights back to my room, my ankle exploded. I couldn’t deal with the rest of the day so I just took my pain meds and went to sleep. I didn’t take my night time meds last night. I woke up at midnight and just couldn’t get out of bed. So I just went back to sleep. I don’t know why my right hip is bothering me today. If I didn’t have to pick up my sister, I would be taking some pain meds to relieve it.
I still have my menses. It is making me feel gross and I think I am internalizing that feeling. Even after a shower, I still feel disgusting. Something I didn’t discuss in therapy today. I actually didn’t say much today. Having three sessions in a row wears you out. All I wanted to do was go back under the covers and sleep. Which I have yet to do. I have gone back under but sleep has been eluding me. It came so easy yesterday. I think the stress of having to deal with my father the day before just wiped me out. I have to deal with him again tomorrow. I have the afternoon free, I hope. Maybe I won’t go back to bed and I will go to Starbucks and write. I don’t know. All depends on my mood.
I still feel like black clouds are following me. I have no answers to my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. I haven’t been taking the increase in medication because I have been driving. I could have taken my dose today had my sister told me before now that she is being picked up by her husband and I don’t need to pick her up. Just wasted two hours waiting for the call for the car and I was waiting for nothing. But I can take my pain medication if I need to. I haven’t been going up and down the stairs today. I only been going down, if I absolutely need to. It’s helped to stay off my feet. I just hope that the pain stays away tonight. I would like a pain free night if I am going to be up early again tomorrow to take my sister to work.
midnightdemons7 