just snap out of it

Today is not a good day for me. It was another early morning shuffle and I had an appointment with my pdoc. I really didn’t want to go because I felt like she wasn’t going to change anything. But she surprised me. She told me to go on Cymbalta for a few weeks to see if that helps to push me out of this depression that I am in. So I took the Cymbalta today. I can take it at anytime as it doesn’t make me drowsy like the mood stabilizer. I still am going to try to take the 600 mg of trileptal tomorrow. I need to get out of this miserable rut that I am in. Even my mother noticed that I am depressed. I know I can’t be happy. I just want to feel contentment for a little while and to be able to do things without things feeling so heavy and burdensome.

I tried writing my theories paper today, actually, right before I started this blog. FAIL. I was making so many spelling mistakes and was getting frustrated because I couldn’t follow along with what I wrote. I just said fuck it and will try tomorrow or when I am a little bit more clearheaded.

I changed my Facebook picture to a sad, crying face. Some people liked it. But then I got a comment tonight saying that I should snap out of my depression and should cheer up. That pissed me off. Especially as this month is Mental Health Awareness Month. I don’t know why they call it mental health awareness when they really are just screening for depression and other psychiatric disorders. I think it should be called Mental Illness awareness so people don’t say stupid shit like “snap out of it”. If only it were that easy. So I posted as my status that “if this pic offends you, unfriend me”. I really wanted to put “if this pic offends you, unfriend me, I don’t need your negativity, stigmatism, and ignorance”. But I refrained on the last part.

Mood really sucks. I could go to sleep right now but it’s my niece’s prom tonight and I want to take pictures. It sucks that it is raining out. She wanted to take picture by a local boat house but that got spoiled. Poor kid.

I am hoping tomorrow I can just go to the post office and mail my friend’s book. That is the only thing I have on my agenda. And then I want to just stay in bed and sleep, if I can. I tried that the other day and failed miserably at it. I was able to lay down but sleep eluded me. All I want to do is stay under the covers. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I am glad my pdoc didn’t recommend the hospital again. I probably would have said yes. I hope that the Cymbalta works, but I am doubtful. I just hopes while taking it over the next two weeks it doesn’t make me sick.