I had an okay day despite waking up in pain this morning. It was really bad as I could barely make it down the stairs to go to the bathroom. I had a little breakfast and then pulled some burgers out of the freezer for later.
I really didn’t go back to sleep too good. I kept dreaming weird things. I got up around two to make myself a burger and found my back was a little bit better. My sister was cleaning out my junk car as There was some stuff that I needed and others I did not. My brother in law was able to get the Fast Lane transponder down off my windshield so I can now use it on my sister’s car. After I ate, I went downstairs to see what really needed to be tossed and what to hang on to. I found my second Red Sox scarf and a vest from my former work place. That will be good once the weather becomes colder again. It’s friggen 80 degrees today and I am not happy. I took a shower and then needed another one because I was sweating so much.
I was still kind of hungry after bringing the stuff upstairs, multiple times. I am sure my ankle is going to thank me kindly later. So I made some pancakes. I put in all the ingredients except one, sugar. I guess it was ok, and it was, as the syrup made up for not placing sugar in the batter.
I am feeling really worn out despite not really doing anything. I have stuff to do on my game but I don’t really feel like doing it. I have the wither protection on it as I knew I was going to be sleepy today. Waking up in back pain really sucks. I took a shower and that helped as the pressure from the water really eased the spasms that I was having. I still don’t know what I did to cause this flare up. I usually don’t get back pain unless I did something. Makes no sense.
I started thinking about what I want to talk about in therapy tomorrow. So far I got nothing. I know we are going to talk about being in pain and how my pain has shaped my bad thoughts. There is just too much pain not to think about going away forever or sleeping and never waking up. Right now, I am for the sleeping and never waking up part. I just want a restful sleep and unfortunately, I just haven’t had it all weekend. It is making me cranky and a bit suicidal.
I find it funny (not the ha ha funny kind though), that researchers are finding that sleep problems in childhood has lead to obesity in adulthood. I have a lot of reasons why I am obese. And the sleep disorder would be one of them. The thing is, most of my problem is that the medication I take makes me hungry. So I eat. And eat, and eat. I am depressed so who cares if I gain a few pounds. And besides, I want to kill myself so really, who cares if I am overweight?? I have been overweight since I was in the third grade. I remember the pediatrician telling me about percentiles and where I was and where I should be. Like a 3rd grader can understand that shit. So instead of being 80 pounds I was 90, big deal. Course now, I have to be 125 and I am close to 200. I would like my ideal weight to be 165, and I am just throwing a number out there. I have been working hard to lose but it is so fucking hard. And because I feel like I am depriving myself of food, I get cravings. Like for burgers. For pancakes. Granted Friday and Saturday I really didn’t eat too much because I was doped up. And it is not like I have to eat on a schedule. When I was working second shift, I would eat anywhere between 6-8 pm, sometimes later if we ordered out. So I eat when I am hungry rather than at a set time. I don’t buy junk food anymore and I might have just four sodas a month, if that. And I know once I lose the weight, I will be able to keep it off. I haven’t weighed myself in a week or two now. But I will in the upcoming days. I have one week to lose a little more weight before my next doc appointment.
midnightdemons7 