Delusional and Perturbed

I keep hitting dead ends. I just can’t hold on any longer. My mind is so fucked up, I don’t think anyone can sort it out. I can’t even sort it out and it’s my mind!

I am just in one of the moods because of this agitation that I am in. I tried taking something for it but it hasn’t helped. Now things are swirling in my brain and I think writing about it is the only way to get these demons out of my head.

There was a seminar going on today on Twitter, dad2summit. I don’t know what it was about, but the last segment, of course, talked about “Man therapy”. It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Go to mantherapy.org and you will see how stupid it is. But if it helps prevent a man from acting on suicidal thoughts, then I am for it. That is why I don’t downcast it too much for that reason.

There has been a lot of roof collapses in the Boston area since the snow is only 8 feet on some roofs. I am now worried about our roof tops. I know I shouldn’t be because we don’t have a flat roof on my house, but there is one area of the house that does, the extension part. Trouble is, there is no way to get there because my back porch is piled with snow and that would be the only way to access it. So I am having dreams and fantasies of it collapsing. I just don’t feel safe and I know it’s irrational. But every time I get a tweet saying to check your roof, I panic. It’s like a command hallucination or something, telling me what to do. Maybe I am becoming delusional, I don’t know. I hate when I am agitated because that never bodes well for me.

I added a conclusion to Brick Wall, my short story that I have been working on the last few months. I am thinking about publishing it on my blog just so my therapist can read it. This is the first piece of work that I have worked on that I have not published on my blog. It’s kind of strange not to post it. But I still am kind of working on it and so I don’t really want to publish it until I am really done with it.

I have been thinking of preparing my “darkness will always win” into the template so that I can get things ready for my next book to be published. It will be a much shorter book. I don’t know how many pages it will be. Darkness is about 13 or 14 pages right now, alone. And the Brick is about 3-4 pages. I need to have at least 24 pages to make a book. But that requires me formatting and coming up with a title page, chapter page, etc. I am going to do things differently than I did with my first book, now that I know the formatting deal. I just hope I can do it. I already have my self-doubts about it not selling. And that I think it is stupid making a short story collection book knowing they don’t do well. But if Lawrence Block can do it, I can try. I just have to have the motivation to actually do it. I just don’t know which blogs I want to put in the book. The blogs that I had chosen are really short, like 2 pages! That is not going to get me far.

I just have the who fuck its going on right now. And this perturbation that I am feeling is not helping me. I wish I could email my psychiatrist and ask her what to do about this. Better yet, call her and ask her. But I doubt I will get a response quickly. I hate this delusional feeling that is creeping up. I might have to start taking my psych med every day as this is the second time in two weeks, three weeks, that this has happened. I can’t/won’t go back to the hospital. Why can’t tomorrow be Tuesday so I can talk with my therapist! She is on vacation so I can’t even text her because I won’t know when/if she will be able to call me back. We do have our code words for when I am in real distress. I am not psychotic, I just feel really perturbed!! And it’s stressing me out. And when I get stressed, the voices start acting up. Think I will take some trilafon and see if that helps calm me down. It’s the only thing I can think of that will settle the delusions about the roof collapsing and the command tweets that I have been getting.