Fricken cold today

Just came home from the freezing cold. I usually don’t wear gloves because I don’t like them but today I needed them. I carried a bottle of Powerade home from Walgreens and my hand almost got frostbite! We were supposed to get 39 degrees today but it’s only 27 and feels like 20. I am so damn cold right now. My father has his pills set for the week, though I think he skipped a day and is lying about it. Oh well. I don’t give a shit. It’s his life not mine.

Still feeling kind of delusional. I might have to take an extra trilafon today. I was wicked paranoid on the bus ride home for some reason. I tried to sleep but I was so fearful someone was going to kill me it was hard to relax. There was hardly anyone sitting near me so I don’t know why I felt like this. I take my regular dose of the pink pill tonight and tomorrow night so that should prevent this psychotic episode from getting worse, I hope. I don’t get like this often, but when I do, it’s holy hell.

I haven’t had lunch yet. What I really want, I don’t have. I can’t wait to order groceries and get my steaks. I haven’t had a steak in a long time. I haven’t decided if I am going to share with my mother or not. She doesn’t like steak and always complains about it. But then, I am not paying the top dollar kind of steak so what do you expect?? I really would love a filet mignon but I just can’t afford it. Maybe for my birthday, if I live that long. I really don’t want to make it to my next birthday. It’s too much of an effort living the way I am. I have no life outside of family. I rarely see friends or former coworkers. I really just don’t to “be” any more.

Now that I am home, I just want to sleep. I would make pancakes but my mother is cleaning the spice rack and has all of them all over the place. I guess, I am going to have to wait. I will just take a nap and sleep off this morning.

I woke up early again but was able to get back to sleep. I didn’t have coffee today and it’s kind of late to have a cup now. I would have made it but after going back to sleep, it was time to take a shower and catch the bus. I just made it to the bus stop when the bus came, early. It must have been behind. Or I read the schedule wrong. Either way, I was happy that it came and I didn’t have to wait long in the cold.

I haven’t emailed or text my psych team letting them know that I am delusional. I just hope it passes on its own. There is not much they can do for me anyways. My therapist is still on vacation and my psychiatrist is still out of the office. I will just manage it the best I know how.