I typed up a few pages of the short story I am working on. It’s basically an autobiographical story of my struggle with psychosis. I still have two pages to type but can’t find the motivation to do it. I keep staring at the notepad but nothing is coming. I am just staring at the words, wondering if they are the right ones and am doubting myself.
My therapist had some suggestions on trying to get me back to better sleep health. Unfortunately, I didn’t do it today. I wasn’t tired come three o’clock but got really zonked around five. I still am fighting the urge to just go under the covers and take a rest. Only problem with that is that I will be seriously disrupting my sleep cycle, again.
I told her I am having trouble taking my meds. I don’t want to take them because I don’t think they are effective anymore. I am just so depressed, I just can’t see the point. I also told her I really want to be writing my suicide notes and letters. She almost started flipping out. I never heard her so restrained before. We were actually “talking” about this stuff rather than dusting it under the rug, like it didn’t exist. I really liked talking about this stuff. It gave me some perspective about the pros and cons of actually doing it. We didn’t discuss that, but I was thinking about it as I talked about the need to write. I told her I had written a goodbye letter to Jobes. It was basically saying yes your work helped me but it didn’t save me. I never sent the email/letter. I told her that I can’t be saved. It is my destiny to kill myself, I am very convinced of this. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I think about it so much that I don’t think I have any kind of future or anything. The weird part, is that I don’t feel hopeless. She did the cubic model of suicide on me. I was kind of shocked that she remembered. I am no where near suicidal range at this time. I am not actively planning my death, nor have I picked a date. I just want to self-combust so I won’t have to. But I don’t think that is likely.
I just feel really depressed. My therapist also read my blog that I wrote last night. She said that it was very coherent and eloquent. It is funny because it took me several times to get back to writing it. I would start writing and then find the need to check Twitter or Facebook. It took me almost an hour to write. And I was mostly writing how fucking sucky I was feeling, which was hard because I really couldn’t put to words what I was feeling. It was a very difficult blog to write.
Foot/ankle are behaving for now. Last night I was in misery. It literally felt like a battle between the two as to which part was going to hurt more and then my big toe settled it by buzzing up a storm. I hate when my toe buzzes. It is so unsettling. I don’t remember if I took pain meds or not. I really wanted to OD on Neurontin. It was that bad. But I didn’t take any because after an hour, my toe settled down. Foot and ankle were still at it but not in the same intensity. I have been using my pain meds sparingly. I don’t know why this is. I guess I want to feel something and my ankle/foot is giving me something to feel other than depression. Maybe it is a form of self-punishment, I don’t know. I do know that the pain is tolerable to my warped mind. It gives me something to focus on rather than my stupid, stinking depression. I spoke too soon. Just moved my ankle and it has exploded. Just like that it can become a 10, easy. Now I am really going to get sleepy with my pain meds on board. I don’t think I am going to make it to eight. I guess I will be taking my night meds early and calling it a night.
My father called saying that his meds are almost out. I told him I will come over sometime tomorrow. I don’t mind because it gets me out of the house. I rather do it tomorrow than Saturday. I like to have the weekend to do nothing. I am trying to go out during the week, like I did today, so that I can rest on the weekend. I don’t know how likely that is going to happen, but we’ll see.
midnightdemons7 