I am still feeling paranoid these days. I can’t shake it, even when I am alone in my room, I feel like someone is watching me. It fucking sucks. I went out today, in the freezing cold, to have a cup of coffee that I didn’t like. I don’t think the barista used the right reserve coffee. I drank it anyway because I spent money on it and plus, it is coffee. I should have had something to eat while at Starbucks as I am hungry but I don’t know what to make. I feel like making popcorn for supper. I might after I write this blog.
I got a weird PM (private message) from a lady I didn’t know on Facebook today. She got my book and was excited to read it. I still have no idea who she is. I just replied “thank you”. She responded with an “no, thank you”. I didn’t think anymore of it until I was scrolling through my phone on FB and there was a pic of my book on a coffee table under the CES group that I am in. Now it made sense. I still don’t know the woman, she is in the UK, but I like that she bought my book and was showing it off.
I was annoyed with my therapist today. She thinks I should be in the hospital and I told her flat out, I wasn’t going to go. I am not in danger, per se. I think people are going to kill me and bomb the White House, but that isn’t grounds for admission. Have had way too many to know what gets you in and what doesn’t. She then said for me to get off my high horse, whatever that means. I wasn’t too coherent talking to her today. I felt really spacey. I felt like I was making sense but maybe I wasn’t. She is still trying to figure out what set me off about my delusions. She kept saying stress but I haven’t been under any type of stress in the past few weeks so there goes that theory. Sure, I have been dealing a lot with my father but then the delusions would be about him and they are not. I don’t know. I do know my psychiatrist is worried because she hardly ever emails me asking if I am going ok. I emailed her today saying I was still paranoid. I don’t know why I am being watched. It is most unsettling. It would be worse if I was in the hospital, where I would be watched and checked on, every fifteen minutes or so. I would ask my psychiatrist but what she thinks but I don’t think I would like the answer very much. As long as I am not having command hallucinations, I think I am ok. I will take the abilify tonight, even though it is my “off” night (I take it every other day because of side effects). I am questioning whether going every other night is the reason why I am having symptoms. Though the last few weeks have been horrendous. It has been one roller coaster, that is for sure.
I can’t wait to get paid next week so I can get ingredients for some cookies I want to bake. Maybe that is what is stressing me out. Being broke all the time. It’s so rough living on disability and not working to have a little income every week. Being paid monthly is brutal. I don’t know how people do it. I have been on disability for almost two and half years. It wears me out. And now that the end of the month is coming to an end, I need to make a decision as to whether to renew my monthly T-pass or just pay as I go. If I put $20 on my card, it usually lasts me the month, but now that I have to see my father every week and see my psychiatrist again, the price of traveling has gone up. So maybe paying the $29/month won’t be so bad. Least I know I will be using it and then I don’t have to worry about running out of money the end of the month.
I am in bed, partly under the covers, with a sweatshirt on and I am still fucking cold. IN THE HOUSE! WTF. I don’t understand why the heat hasn’t kicked on. It’s like 15 degrees out, with the stupid windchill. I’d put more clothes on but I don’t want to get hot when the heat kicks on, whenever that maybe. I feel like taking a nap. I have been up since 8 and I really could use one. But it’s getting late and if I sleep now, I might be up all night. It’s always dicey when I want to take a nap.
I really don’t want to go to my father’s tomorrow but I have to refill his meds and take him for his blood work. He has been needed his blood work done for a while now but the weather has been so poor, it has been impossible to take him. Now that the weather is nicer, I have to take him. I just hope the lab orders are still good.
midnightdemons7 