In a writing mood

In a writing mood

I had my coffee soon after I woke up and now I got the “writing bug”. I have been reading my old blogs from two years ago. The sentiments are the same. I go to Starbucks, have coffee, and then talk about how I am going to end my life because I just can’t stand it anymore. Funny, it’s two years later and I am still here also talking about the same shit. I guess the saying, “same shit, different day” applies.

I am trying to be hopeful but it is very difficult. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked her why I should continue living. Point blank. No beating behind the bushes. I have been in a pain flare up the last two days and it has shaken me to my core. I really don’t know why I am still here. Fear perhaps, that I will again fail to execute my intentions. Fail to actually succeed in ending my life. And this fear somehow keeps me from going through with my half-assed plans.

In one of the blogs I was reading, I was saying how I was going to go take a summer college course. I never did. The money ran out before I could take it. I had a wedding to attend that year and also had to finish paying off the debt I owed the college. That didn’t leave me with much left over. Now that I am getting my LTD payments again, though not in the amount it once was, I can maybe get new glasses. Thing is I have to get two pairs, one a single vision and the other bifocal. If there is anything left over, I would like to get prescription sunglasses. This will beat having to figure out a slip on kind. I don’t know. Either way I need to see as the pairs that I am wearing are out of date and are causing me problems. Even word I have to have it on 150 enlargement to see what I am writing. And that is with my glasses!

I also want to get a new cell phone as mine is slowly shitting the bed. Last night, I couldn’t get it to turn on. I don’t know how many times I was hitting the power button to get it to turn on, unsuccessfully. And now, every other call I get “contacts not responding” message. The phone is almost three years old, same as my glasses. Guess you can say, it is a dinosaur. But I will continue to use it until I know I can afford an upgrade. But my glasses must come first.

I was finally able to take a shower today. The pain in my foot has gone down enough that I could stand for a few minutes to shower. It’s a cool day so I didn’t put the heater on in the bathroom. I wish I did, because when I got out of the shower, I was freezing! My feet were especially cold so when I went back up to my room, I immediately put on socks to prevent cramping. My pain increased slightly, but not enough to warrant taking a pain pill. I see my PCP this week to get my monthly refill. He is not going to be happy with my weight as I have not lost any since I saw him last. I fucking hope he doesn’t bring it up because I will be flip with him. Losing weight is on the bottom of the list right now because I am still struggling to prevent myself from killing myself. So does it matter? I got other things on my mind and it isn’t like I am eating junk food every day or even take out. I just am not active enough to lose weight and I can’t be active because it brings on pain. I have tried to cut the calories, drink more water, etc., but the weight still won’t shed a pound. I needed two days to recover from my one day of going over my limit. That hasn’t happened in a while. And, hello, but if I wasn’t in pain all the time I wouldn’t need pain medication. Thus, losing weight might be easier. But I know it’s his spiel. I just find it harder to swallow than my pills and it just reinforces more hate toward myself because I used to be such an avid walker. It also makes me sad because I can no longer do the things I used to do to control my weight. When I was working, I could have salads and grilled chicken sandwiches. Now I don’t remember to buy lettuce and then when I do, my mother boils it if I don’t use it in a few days time (don’t ask, I think she is part Irish). Salads never really filled me unless I had some protein to go with it. And I am not keen on boiled eggs in a salad. I much rather have chicken. But that means preparing and cooking and I can’t do that because I can’t stand too long. Just making a batch of cookies one time killed me. I can’t imagine what making a few pieces of chicken will do. But I think they have pre-packaged grilled chicken so problem solved. I will get that the next time I go food shopping! It won’t be the same as the kind at my work (theirs was fresh off the grill) but at least it helps me off my feet and maybe helps me to lose weight. I don’t know, I am just throwing my thoughts out there.