Another long Monday
I had therapy at 9 this morning so I had to get up, except I didn’t. I literally just sat up, took my meds and turned on the computer for therapy. I wish I was in the kitchen or some place else. I am bored being in my room all the time. Therapy went ok. She asked about my suicidality and I told her it wasn’t good, that Saturday was a tough night mostly due to pain. She asked why I didn’t go through with it. I fucking hate when therapists ask me this. I never know how this is a good question to ask, like ok next time I will go through with it.
After therapy, I made coffee and some hash browns. I was hungry. I also made lunch for in between classes. Then I got dressed. I checked the time for the bus. I had twenty minutes. Fuck. I got my bag ready and then realized I forgot my hat. I had to go back to my room and get it.
I was an hour early for my first class. I tried to work on my homework but I just wanted to rest. I was sitting in a sunny area so trying to read my phone was hard. I tried playing my game. Class was good and then I went to my next one. I was bored in that one. We had to speak and talk about goals. That is our homework. Should be about two paragraphs. This is my easiest class. All you have to do is show up.
After class, the train gods cooperated and there were no delays. I went to pick up my meds and get something to eat for dinner. I bought a Stouffer’s chicken thing that was really good with the pharmacy credits I earned. I still have six bucks left. I came home and my bladder couldn’t wait anymore. I was so close but couldn’t take my jeans off fast enough. Ugh.
My allergies have been off the rocker today. I have been sneezing and sniffling all day. I hate it. I took an extra allegra because of it. I feel so tired. The first dose of the new med left me a little hungover this morning. I slept pretty well, waking up only once to pee. I did hear my sister get up for work but I was able to go back to sleep until my alarms went off.
It’s evening now and I am wondering if I should read my gender studies stuff. I am feeling so depressed and am thinking about suicide again. I have a limited supply of pills near me I could take. I am putting it off because of school. My heart is in a thousand pieces and I don’t know why. I hurt so bad. I thought this shit was behind me. I guess one day I will die by my own hand despite getting top surgery and being a man. Depression kills.
midnightdemons7 