Author: Midnight Demon

No therapy today

I got a text from my therapist this morning saying that she couldn’t meet with me. We rescheduled for Wed. I went back to bed. I got up around noon with a slight headache. I had coffee and some cookies. I then took a shower. I noticed some irritation that I thought was dried blood under my incision. But I think it is a rash from the binder. I have taken it off and haven’t put it back on. I think I am going to take a break from wearing it today. I will put it on tonight.

I feel really sad today. My headache got worse but seems to be better now that I had some Gatorade and Tylenol. I ordered lunch. I didn’t feel like cooking. That is the problem with buying groceries, you need to cook. I forgot to get cauliflower. I will have to get some the next time I go to the Square. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I meant to when I showered but forgot. It is so hard to brush my teeth.

I am not sure what I will be doing today. I need to go to the post office to mail a card. I thought about getting some pizza as a reward. I still might get some. I don’t know. I am indecisive today. The scab on my nipple still hasn’t come off. I thought taking a shower would loosen it but it didn’t. I got most of it off. The left looks better than the right. I am still numb all around my chest. I put the bandage back on where it was a little open but it looks good. Scar looks a little weird and there is some black stuff under the incision line. I think it is just glue from having tape or bandages on for so long.

The Bruins lost last night. I am shocked. I really thought they would have made it to the cup as they have been playing awesome all season. Now I am rooting for the Minnesota Wilds. It is the team my friend likes. I think they are still in the first round. I have no idea how hockey playoffs go as I am not a hockey fan. I just follow baseball and a little pro football. Mostly I watch college football because it is more exciting. But I no longer have cable so I won’t be able to watch games anymore. I listen the ball games on the radio or through the app. I have never listened to a football game before.

I have been thinking about my mother calling me son before she died. I don’t know why it took so long for her to do this. It troubles me. I don’t know why exactly. It was only a short time that she did this. I haven’t been called brother by my sisters. Throughout the wake and funeral, my baby sister referred me as “sibling”. I guess it is better than being called sister.

A cold and rainy end to April

Today is cold and raw and rainy. Baseball game doesn’t have too many hits. It has been a quiet game so far. I hope the Sox start tacking on runs to support Sale. He has been pitching well today despite the weather conditions.

I had a dream about my mother. She was in the kitchen hollering to me about a chair. I have no idea what she was talking about. I ignored her and ate a bag of chips in my room. I woke up feeling sad. I have been trying to ignore how I feel but it hasn’t worked. I don’t think it ever does. The feelings just creep on you and then show their face whenever you aren’t expecting it.

It’s cold in my room and I think it is making me just want to stay under the covers. I don’t want to do anything. I haven’t showered since Wed. I did brush my teeth today. I also did last night before bed. I need to change my bandage. I just don’t want to do nothing. I have therapy tomorrow. I don’t know if I want to see her again this week or not. I guess I will decide tomorrow. I got to go to the clinic on Tues to have my chest checked again. I have some swelling under my armpit that I hope is just from the binder and not fluid. My right was pretty flat yesterday. I haven’t taken the binder off today. I am still debating showering. It might help my allergies and headache I have if I take a nice hot shower. Might also warm me up some. I got to find some soap that I like. I had a shower gel that is nice but my niece used it. I prefer to use soap as it is easier for me. I know it dries your skin but when you hate showering, you want something fast rather than rinsing a loofah thing.

I started reading Caste by Isabel Wilkerson. It is good so far. I only read a chapter. I plan on reading more tonight before bed. For dinner I plan on making some turkey bacon for a sandwich. I got to make it before it goes bad. Just hope I have American cheese.

Saturday Blog 29042023

I woke up around 5 to pee and had a difficult time going back to sleep. I woke up to my med alarm and then just shut it off only to wake up again to use the bathroom a couple hours later. I should have stayed up as I woke up feeling wicked exhausted, like I didn’t sleep at all. I had coffee last night before the game so I could listen to  them lose. It was awful last night.

I made chicken with roasted red potatoes for a late lunch/dinner. I had made the chicken perfect. It was so tender and juicy. The potatoes weren’t done yet. I let them cook for another half hour before taking them out. It has become my favorite dish to make.

It is cold in my room as the wind is howling. I had to shut the fan off. I thought about showering but I really don’t feel like it. I took the binder off for about an hour as I was sick of it. It was digging into me so I needed a break. My right side is still pretty flat. The left has some swelling in the armpit area where I am sore. I don’t know if it is fluid or just swollen due to the binder. I hope I don’t have to wear this thing for long. I am more than 30 days post op now. I am happy with the results. I have a large amount of glue stuff where the wound opened up. Going to be a bitch to get it off. The scab on my left nipple still hasn’t fallen off. It is being stubborn. I put some Aquaphor on it today as it felt rough. I put it on both nipples. Not sure if I should put a bandage on them. I will ask Tues when I go to the clinic again.

I am still feeling pretty sad and tearful at times. I dreamt about being in the hospital again. I’ve been trying to think of my mother less but it has been hard. It’s been really difficult to push past the fatigue I feel today to do what needed to be done. I still haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I think I will after the game. I am so tired. I don’t think I am going to be up late tonight. Going to bed when I take my meds at 8 seems likely. I hate to go to bed that early but I feel so lifeless.