Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

post op day 30 top surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, FTM, transgender

Post op day 30 top surgery

I am healing well except that I had some fluid build up again. I got to go back to the clinic on Tues. If there is still more, they are going to put in a drain for a week. I have a scab on my left nipple that doesn’t want to come off. NP said it will on its own once new skin grows. I don’t know how long I have to wear this binder but I think it will be a while, sadly. It annoys me. I want to be free but I also don’t want my chest to be drained.

I had therapy today. We talked some more about grief and my sadness. She is worried that the grief could make the depression worse and then I would become suicidal again. I didn’t mention that I felt that I need to be in the hospital with her. I think if I tell her, she might be like ok. I just feel sad all the time and she said not that much time has passed since my mother passed away, which is true. It’s only been a little more than three weeks. She wants me to do things but she won’t say what things I should do. I don’t think there is a DBT skill for grief. I told her I would read more. I just got a new book from the library. I haven’t started it yet. I wanted to today and might before bed. It is a bigger book than I thought it would be so reading it might take some serious time. I tend to read a chapter and then put the book down. Sometimes I pick it back up but most times I wait till the next day. I remember when I used to just read right on through. I guess it depends on my attention span. I can follow Twitter easily because it is short posts, even though some people make long posts now that Musk took away character limits for those that pay for the site. It is easier than a thread sometimes. But I am not going to pay for the site. It is going downhill and I fear in a few years, it might just be a memory.

I wish I could call my mother. Just to hear her voice again. I have a couple of voicemails but it isn’t the same thing. I didn’t think it would hit me this hard. I knew she was going to die and stuff but I really thought she would survive at least a year with the diagnosis. She was in a lot of pain and I guess that took a lot out of her. I am glad she isn’t suffering anymore. No one deserves 24/7 pain unless they are child molesters/rapists.

With this binder on for who knows how long, I really can’t go in the hospital because it will be a safety concern. I am not suicidal but I have stuff I could overdose on and just hope for the best. I don’t know if that means I need to be in the hospital. I was feeling that way before I left the hospital and the staff knew I had stuff. Hell, they were discharging me with a script of it! Only problem is that there is no guarantee that I will be back at that hospital if I go in. It took a few days in the ED for me to get a bed there. I think I was in the ED on a Wed and didn’t get admitted until Friday.

I bought the new Linkin Park CD. It came today and I should be excited but I am not. I haven’t left my room since I got the message it was delivered. I don’t feel like leaving my room for anything except if I have to use the bathroom. I just took my night meds. I might take some Benadryl as my allergies are killing me. Normally, I would take another Allegra but the Benadryl will help me sleep some. I have my grocery delivery tomorrow. My niece isn’t home so it will be me taking the stuff up the two flights to my room. I ordered a lot of Gatorade as I ran out before the end of the month. Hope I get everything. I have to be careful because I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk.

Kitty pic

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression
Armani the tuxedo cat

grief sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Grief sucks

I had therapy this morning. It was ugly. I cried as I was explaining how much my mother calling me son meant to me. Problem is, we never spoke about it. While she was having a clear moment before her death, she didn’t recognize me as I was telling her I loved her or something. I don’t know what I said to her exactly. I just don’t remember before she slipped off into unconsciousness again. She thinks meds will not do a thing for me to help me through this. I am not looking for meds, I just wanted my psychiatrist to know how I was feeling.

After therapy, I went to the hospital. I had to have my chest drained. There was a lot of fluid in the right side and a little on the left. I am now wearing a binder that isn’t tight and that I can put on by myself. I might shower tomorrow. I got to go back to the clinic Thursday. After this appointment, I went downstairs to get my blood drawn. PCP wanted a testosterone level done. I think I got it done too early as the level is kind of high. I am sure I will hear about it tomorrow. I just didn’t want to go back into Boston two days in a row.

While I was waiting to get my blood drawn, I thought about calling my mother to check on her. It was an automatic reaction as I usually check on her while I am out for a few hours. I check to see if she needs anything and such. It killed me that she is no longer there. I think some of this grief is trauma related. I see my therapist again on Thurs so will ask her.

I went to Starbucks for a latte and something to eat as I hadn’t had anything to eat except some biscuits with my coffee. I only had one cup and needed more. It was a walk to get back to the station but I didn’t care. I thought about going to the butcher’s shop to get some burgers for dinner but I was so tired by the time I got to the Square, I just waited for the bus home.

I came home and crashed. I plan on having an Ensure for my dinner. I don’t feel like eating. I might get the burgers tomorrow after I get my haircut. I need to pick up my antibiotic prescription from the dentist. I need to find out when to take it as it will be a few weeks before I get my teeth pulled. Hopefully by then I am not wearing this binder. I already hate it and it is uncomfortable when I lay down. My chest is still hurting. I took a gabapentin dose to see if that help and some Tylenol.

I am kind of freaking out about finances. I need to save at least $131 for the dentist to pull my teeth and there are other supplies I need for the house. I also need to get my supplements and more Tylenol. I wanted to get new headphones but it doesn’t seem to be in my budget this month. I still need to get my music. That is a priority, after I pay my bills of course. I need Linkin Park’s Meteora20. And the few songs Taylor released prior to the start of her tour. I just got to find the tweet of what songs they were because they aren’t in an album. Amazon has been difficult about putting it out. I don’t use iTunes. I hate that app.