Category: depression

Where the shadows live

I went to see my TG doc today. The appointment went well. I don’t have to see her unless my pcp has concerns. She is letting my pcp run things from now on as I am on a stable dose of T. I go for blood work next week as I couldn’t go last week.

I am three weeks post op. My chest is feeling full because it has swollen up. I am feeling tired. Going to the hospital and coming home took a lot out of me. Tomorrow I need to go to the dentist. I plan on taking Ativan before the appointment in case they need to pull my tooth. I am so nervous.

I am so tired. I walked a lot as I went to Starbucks after my appointment. My foot hurts. I took some ibuprofen for it and for the swelling in my chest. The swelling is so uncomfortable. I can’t wait till it goes down. I am only three weeks post op so hopefully as time goes on it will be less. I am still doing regular activities except housework. I was told not to do that because it will keep my wound open. I have been trying to keep my arm by my side to not open it but the wound is closing, slowly. I think by next week I will just be able to put bacitracin on it. The nurse called and will be here in the morning to change the bandage.

The temp supposedly went up to 60 today but with the wind, it felt much colder than that. I didn’t wear a jacket. I only had short sleeves on so I was cold. Thankfully, I wore jeans or I really would have froze. It is cool in my room so I shut the fan off. My allergies are killing me. I have post nasal drip really bad and my eyes keep watering. I hate spring time because of allergies.

One of my favorite pitchers is pitching tonight. He is just coming back from Tommy John surgery and hasn’t had good outings since his return. I feel bad for him. I hope he will pitch well tonight. I haven’t decided if I am going to listen to the game or just follow it on Twitter. I am tired and spent. I want to go to bed but I know if I go to sleep now, I will be up around 1 or 2 am. I set my alarm for 8am so that I can be up when the nurse gets here. I am glad she is coming early because I have to take my shot before I leave for my dentist appointment.

Too tired to write today so here is a pic

Dissociation and grief

I had sent a message to my psychiatrist the other night asking if I was becoming catatonic and he said that it sounds more like dissociation and grief. So that is fun. I guess I am dissociating more lately to avoid feeling immensely sad. I have been up since 7 after falling asleep at 530. I was up half the night. I woke up to pee and then had a sneeze attack that woke me up. I read a couple of chapters of my book and wrote in my journal.

Today while putting antibiotic ointment on my nipples, some of the scabs came off. It is healing. I don’t know if I will have true nipples or just the appearance of them. I don’t think they are going to have much feeling like they did when I had breasts. The left has more feeling than the right, but it is mostly nerve pain. I have been taking gabapentin for it because it just bothers me so much. I mostly try to take it in the late afternoon or early evening so that it works by bedtime.

Last night, my foot hurt really bad. The CRPS pain was awful. I took some pain meds that I had to help it and it did work. I have a busy week with appointments every day except Friday. I have to see the dentist as one of my back teeth broke. I think it might have to be pulled. I know my baby tooth needs to be pulled because it broke. I just haven’t been to the dentist. I am actually seeing a new dentist because my dentist moved offices and it is tough to get to by public transportation. It is also a long walk from public transportation. I am also seeing my endocrinologist this week. I haven’t seen her in months. I hope she doesn’t bring up my hospitalization. I also hope my T level is close to what it was before being in the hospital. I was supposed to have it done last week but I wasn’t able to go because I had things to do after my mother died. I will get it done next week as this week is T dose week. I have therapy tomorrow and pdoc appointment Thurs. I just hope that on Monday and Wed that I can see the nurse around my appointments.

I am going to try and shower tomorrow before the nurse comes. I haven’t showered in a week. I wanted to shower yesterday but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. It was way too early for me. I like showering in the afternoon and the nurse came in the morning. I wasn’t fully awake yet. It’s so hard to wake up in the mornings before 10a. Today was unusual as I was up around 7. I am tired now. I read some of my book. I think I am going to try and finish it today now that the game is over. They won 2-1. It was a good game.

Saturday Blog 15042023

Today is Boston One Day. It is to commemorate the 2013 Boston Marathon Bombing victims and those that died that day. It means so much to this city that we all pulled together and helped one another in the time of need.

The VNA came this morning. I didn’t shower like I had hoped. I was too tired. I couldn’t get going this morning. Maybe I will have better luck Monday. I just hope they come before my therapy appointment or after it. It isn’t on the schedule yet because for some reason my therapist’s schedule doesn’t load until that morning.

I am not planning on doing anything today but possibly clean up my recycle in my room and read my book. My chest is feeling heavy. It is nice outside. I might go on the porch later just to catch some fresh air. I am still waiting for the vouchers to come for cabs. I thought I would get them this week but they still haven’t arrived. Ugh. Tuesday I have to go into Boston to see my endocrinologist. It is a follow up appointment. I was supposed to get blood work but never did because things just got out of hand. I will get it done the following week as this week I have my T shot again.

I slept pretty good. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee but I was able to get back to sleep quickly. I am glad I didn’t stay up. Yesterday was a long day. I am still tired but I think it is because the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. I had two cups but I think I will need three to get things going. I haven’t eaten anything yet for lunch. My sister has leftovers so I am going to have some of that.

I got to go back to the eye store to get me new glasses adjusted. They are too tight and hurt the top of my ear. If they can’t fix them, I want another frame. Right now I am wearing a different frame and it feels better.

I watched a couple of episodes of Friends to take my mind of things. It helped. I love the show. It makes me laugh. I think I am going to read once I take my night time meds. I haven’t read in a few days. I took a good nap this afternoon. It was only a couple of hours but it felt so good. I want to lie down again. My head feels so heavy. I feel sad again. It sucks. I have a funeral thing for my mom on my bed. Every time I enter my room I see it. I have been thinking about her a lot. I still can’t believe she is gone.

I got to put all my recycling in a bag. I have it all on my bed and it fell on the floor. I have no energy to do it so it might happen later or tomorrow. I just want to sleep. I hope I am not up during the night again. I got to do my meds. Then I will read. It is a good book called Committed. I really like it.