Category: depression

Saturday Blog 22072023

I woke up around 0230 and never really went back to sleep. I was on my phone most of the night. I have been trying to do the duolingo all day but keep messing up where the possessive of the verb goes. Ugh, it is frustrating the hell out of me! I then run out of hearts so have to quit the level. I am learning though. I think one more crack at it and I will complete it.

I wanted to go out today as I haven’t been out of the house since Monday. I know I went out with my sister and aunt yesterday but I wanted to do some reading, something for me. I left without checking the bus schedule. I had to wait like 25 mins for the next bus. There was an old guy sitting on the bench inside the covered stop and he sat right in the middle so you couldn’t sit down. I hate when people do that. He ended up missing his bus because he was on his phone. HAHA. I got to the Square and OMG they had like mini markets all around the place and there were a lot of people. I hate crowds and worried Starbucks might be full. I would hate to get there, get my drink and sandwich and have to go back home. But there was a seat available when I got there. I was so glad. I had my lunch and then I read for about an hour. I finished the chapter on Indigenous people and suicide. It was a difficult chapter and if I ever become a therapist, that population will be hard to deal with. I don’t know if I would have the cultural confidence to treat them. I started the next chapter which was dealing with youth and I left in the middle.

I got the bus home and bought some snacks at Walgreens. I wanted chips and Reese’s. I got the big cup and it is in the fridge. I hope no one eats it. I will be pissed. My sister organized the kitchen to her liking. I hope she isn’t going to get rid of my mother’s mixer because I told her I want it. I have no clue how to operate her mixer so I rather have my mother’s that I have used for years. I might not bake regularly but it is still nice to have.

Sox resumed and lost the game they played. The second game is I think an hour from now (1920). My side has been spazzing since I got on the bus so I am not sure I will be up as I might need to take Ativan for it. The Robaxin hasn’t been helpful so far. The coffee I had made me buzzed so I am not sleepy. I should be as I have been up more than twelve hours. I am kind of tired but I don’t want to go to bed yet. It is still early. I think I might have to start re-taking the magnesium supplements if these spasms continue. It’s the only thing that helps. I am down to my last bottle of the Vitamin Shoppe kind I take. I will see if they have more in stock as they were out the last time I tried to order a bunch.

I have a busy week coming up. Three appointments. Should be fun…

A Good Friday

My aunt, sister, and I went to lunch today. The waitress said I was cute. A while later, while my sister and her were talking about where to have a shower, the waitress recommends a place as long as I am her date. I felt so validated. It has been a long while since someone hit on me. Usually I am oblivious but today I sort of caught on. I didn’t ask her for her number as she was older than I was. I was just flattered.

I managed to shower. It exhausted me. I don’t know what I did but I caused spasms in my chest. I have been in my bed, shirtless. Feels good to be without a shirt finally. I just got my boxers on. I took my mustache down to stubble. It feels so weird. I also trimmed my eyebrows. I think I trimmed more on the right than I did the left. I will have my barber fix it when I see him next week.

I am listening to Timeless on repeat from the Speak Now (TV) album. If I ever get married, I want it to be my wedding song. Some of my favorite artists have come out with new songs but I am not buying new music until I wear out Speak Now.

Grief is so fucking hard

In the quest of trying to change my bedding, I was clearing stuff off my bed that had accumulated since top surgery back in March. I found my mother’s obituary/memorial thing from the funeral home. Just seeing her stupid smiling face made me feel a pang of loss. I didn’t know where to put it so I just shoved it in my drawer thing.

I have been drinking a lot of coffee today. I had four cups so far. It is so hot in my house other than in my room. I finally put my comforter in the wash. My bed is clear and I will hopefully be sleeping in clean sheets tonight. Haven’t decided if I am going to shower or not. I last took a shower over the weekend at the hospital. I thought I brought some t-shirts but I didn’t. I only had two tank tops with me and two long sleeved shirts. It worked out because the AC was blowing so it was cool throughout my stay.

I woke up feeling rested for the first time in forever. I took my beard off. I am down to a stubble. My moustache is a mess. I don’t know how to fix it without shaving it off and I am not ready to do that yet. I found some scissors so might trim it so that it doesn’t look so messed up. I woke up with my chest feeling tight. I took some meds and it loosened up. I just feel really tired now after I have been doing stuff.

I managed to put my comforter and sheets in the wash. I had like four sets of sheets and I can only find one. I can’t seem to find the sheet but found the fitted sheet. Ugh. My foot is flared up with nerve pain right now otherwise I would try and find the damn sheet. I know where the pillow case is at least. I have no idea where my gray sheet set went. Haven’t seen that in a long time. But then, I haven’t really been looking for it either.

Foot is acting up so taking a shower after I make the bed is out. Soon as I finish writing this blog I am going to make the bed. I need to see my barber soon. I am going to try and shave after the cut to take it down some. But my hair grows so fast that it really doesn’t matter if I do or not.

Dr. Jobes came out with his third edition of Managing Suicide Risk. I will be ordering it on Monday. I will have all three versions. I plan on reading the third edition to update my blog about it. I haven’t updated it since the SSF was in its third phase. I am hoping there is now an electronic version of the SSF (suicide status form). I had been making them in a word document but since I don’t have a therapist that uses them, I haven’t updated it to the current form. I’ve seen no reason to.

Sox played day game and lost. They are on their way home. They are off tomorrow, which sucks. They will play the miserable Mets so will probably lose to them. I just don’t have confidence in them anymore. Games they should have kicked ass, they lose. I don’t get it.