Category: depression

I wasn’t sure I’d be writing today. Bitch sister has me all upset last night and it carried over into today. She said some things to my niece so now my niece might think I am not in chronic pain or even disabled. What is worse is that my highly opinionated niece didn’t say one word to stick up for me. I may be paranoid here but I seriously think everyone in my family is against me. I told my mother this morning and she didn’t say a damn word.

It got me thinking about my top surgery. I will have no one to help me with dressing changes. I will have ask the doc for nurse to come every day to check on me. I hope this will be possible. If it isn’t, well my death by suicide will be sooner than planned.

I spent the day riding taxis so I could get my meds and some food. I couldn’t believe the price of a half gallon of half and half is now. Price gouging is real. I had to do a lot of walking because the voucher was only for food and medical appts. Luckily there was a supermarket next to the pharmacy I had to go to. Then I forgot the half and half so had to go through the store to the back where the dairy products were. My legs were killing me. And there was no place to sit except for some cement half steps on the building. Was very low to the ground and not comfortable at all. By the time the taxi came to take me home I was exhausted. I couldn’t go to the pharmacy close to my house to pick up the rest of my meds. That will be tomorrow’s adventure.

I am trying to enjoy the game but I have been crying on and off since I came home and the bitch came home making me feel more hypervigilant than ever. She sent me a text saying she was sorry. It had a but in it so I knew she wasn’t really. She said sorry to me last night but with a smirk and attitude of self righteousness. Told her to fuck herself. Then went upstairs and I had a fucking panic attack with a crying fit. I took a hefty dose of gaba last night with my night meds. I was hurting, physically and mentally.

The workers are finally done with painting and fixing the walls. They put up handle bars for my mother to make it easier for her to go down and up the stairs. Easier for me, too. I can sleep late again.

New skill and in a bad mood

I woke up several times between 130a and 230a. I had woken up at 2 to pee. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I wrote in my journal and was finally able to doze off but I was up every fricken hour after that. I took my morning meds at 7 and then stayed in bed. I wasn’t going to spend another fucking day with my mother so I stayed in my room when the workers came. Or rather one worker, anyway. He is painting still. I had breakfast and coffee. After I finished, I made another cup of coffee while I was reading Twitter.

I need to shower today. I think I am going to try and trim my beard a little bit. It is out growing how I want it to look. If I mess up, I will just go down to a stubble and start over. I have decided not to get a haircut this month. I am going to let my hair grow a bit on top before I start buzzing the sides and back again. I need to brush my teeth too. I did yesterday so I am good. I am trying to make it a routine.

I got a message through my SNAP that I could get $30 off my internet because of President Biden’s plan of having broadband internet to all. Thing is, I need to call to do the process. Fuck. I hate calling. I’ll call on Monday. I am still upset over my pain meds being in flux. I got a message from the nurse that he sent a new request to my doctor but didn’t specify if it was for the remaining pills or for a new script to the different pharmacy that has the pills in stock. So I am waiting again.

Sox won big last night. Bats were hot. The trending guy Trevor Story hit three home runs. I haven’t been impressed with him all season and I still am not. I might be if he continues to hit home runs. My JBJ did so good yesterday. Got a double to score a run then a walk to walk in a run. Two RBIs. I love him. I have to get his pic up. I want an action pic like I have of Eddie, who sadly doesn’t pitch for the Sox anymore. I still love him though and I know he will do great things. He is a good pitcher. Just needs time to develop his skills.

I didn’t take the morning dose of my uro pill. I wanted to see if I still got the intense urge to pee and I still have it. I haven’t been taken the other uro pill because I haven’t been having a solid meal lately. My mother hasn’t been cooking because her back has been bothering her. I put diclofenac gel on her back hoping it will help. We’ll see. Last night I just had a chicken salad sandwich. I had bought Breakstone cottage cheese. The two that I opened tasted really sour. I couldn’t eat it so I tossed it. I have two more in the fridge that I think I am just going to toss. I don’t know why it is sour as the expiration date is in June. I think I will stick with Hood next time. Someone ate my yogurt. I had at least three left and they are gone. Rats. I might make mac and cheese for dinner tonight. I had bought the cauliflower pasta kind. I am looking forward to trying it. Hope it isn’t bad.

Next week I have three appointments. The last one, next Friday, is for ortho. I hope he can do something about my muscle pain. My shoulder is a little bit swollen compared to the other one. I don’t really want a cortisone shot. I still believe they cause more harm than good. I have therapy Mon and I am going to say, could you give me something LONGER than 13 pages of stuff?? The skill she gave me has so many parts to it even though it is just ABC Please. But Please is what is so damn long. The only thing I liked about this skill is it said to think about sex. With testosterone turning me into a hornball, I like this. Maybe I will write more sex stories. I have a few that I am thinking about. They are just fantasies.

I had two cups of coffee back to back and I feel like taking a nap. WTF.  I can’t go to sleep until my doctor’s office figures out what they are going to do about my pain meds. I don’t want it to be at closing time when I get the message. It’s Friday and I really don’t want to wait to Monday for this to work out. I have enough pills for today and tomorrow but that is it. With the humidity and temps being in the 90s this weekend, I am going to be hurting. Right now it is 57 degrees. That will be a 30 degree difference and I always hurt when that happens. I wouldn’t be surprised if my shoulder acts up too. Fuck. I am so nervous. I know it is out of my control. But I would like to know if I need to go to the next town over to get my meds or not. So frustrating.

Exciting news!

I got interviewed today by a writer for the Get Giddy website. It was about BMI discrimination for gender affirming surgery. I told them my experiences and how it made me feel. I felt a little uncomfortable because my niece was there in the kitchen with me as I was telling her (writer) about being suicidal and stuff. I didn’t do anything but still I didn’t feel comfortable having my niece hear I was suicidal.

I sent some uncomfortable hours in the kitchen because of pain and anger. My mother hit me after I said something sarcastic and when I stood up for myself, she said she own my daughter and could do what she wants. I said I wasn’t her daughter (or her son but didn’t let on about that). She didn’t even correct herself but started to, which just pissed me off more. I can’t believe she thinks she can still hit me! I was so pissed off.

The workers were taking their time with painting so I snuck upstairs to my room. Soon as I got on my bed my ankle exploded in pain. It was a 12. So I did a test. I took 600 mg of gabapentin to see if it would help my pain. All it did was give me the final push to nap for a few hours. I woke up still in pain so had to take a BT med. I had called the pharmacy about my meds and they said it would be ready by 215p. I woke up from my nap at 6 with a text message from them saying 1 was in progress and 1 was ready. The one in progress is the med I fucking need. Bastards are fucking liars. They do this to me every fucking month for my pain meds. I just called and turns out the delay is because they don’t have the full prescription. I got to wait till Monday which means I got to call my doctor’s office to find out what to do because I don’t have enough to get me through till then. Fucking fuck.

Dentist and other things

I woke up at 6 to pee and then I went back to sleep as I didn’t want to get up. My med alarm went off and then I slowly got up. I got dressed as I had to go to the dentist. I gathered my things but I couldn’t find my wallet or set of keys. I don’t remember where I put them. They weren’t on my bed like I thought it would be. I checked my jacket but I just found my other set of keys. I just grabbed it so I could get back in the house.

I went down to the kitchen and had two cups of coffee. I didn’t want to eat anything because I didn’t want food in my teeth. My sister drove me up the street because there was no way I could do the hill. I didn’t wait too long in the office. The dental assistant said that it was my baby tooth. I thought the tooth next to the one I apparently chipped was the baby. So the only solution it to pull it, have a space, or get a dental implant. I am checking with my insurance to see how much it will cost. I also set up an appointment to get my teeth cleaned.

My pcp ordered another pain management panel on me to check for my pain med. It again didn’t show up on the screen. It was the same test as the one I had last month. She is in South Dakota on an Indian Reservation. She is gone for two weeks. I am taking the gabapentin at a higher dose and taking it during the day. I haven’t noticed any change in my pain. I haven’t been taking the BT med unless the pain is greater than an 8. The tough part is remembering what time I took it. I am notorious for forgetting to note the time I take the pill.

It is a very nice cool day. My room has finally cooled off. It is still not where I want it to be (below 70) but it is getting there. I don’t know what I am going to do this weekend as the temps are going to be in the 90s. I am going to die. I just barely managed temps in the 80s. I don’t know when I will get the AC once I buy it on Tues. Some bills are not going to get paid this month because I need the AC. That is top priority.

I am having my third cup of coffee. I put too much sugar in it. But it is ok. Ativan is making me so tired. I might need to take a nap on my sister’s couch. It is too hot in my apartment because we have to close the door so the plastic sheeting isn’t blowing around. The workers are sanding today. Gonna be a big mess. I just hope today is the last day but I don’t think so.