Category: depression

PT killed me

I had PT today. I worked on a machine for the first 10 mins and then she took some measurements to see how my shoulder is progressing. It is getting better. Then she dry needled me and my arm is so sore. My intercostals were tight so she massaged them and omg did it hurt. I got to put heat on and drink a lot of water. I would but I have a painful canker on my lip right now. I just put some medicine on it.

I came home and the stuff I ordered from Amazon Fresh came. My niece helped bring it upstairs for me. It is drinks that I bought because I am out of Gatorade. I have no idea what is going on with the lemon lime flavor but I can’t seem to get it. Stop and shop is out of it. And now they got the 28oz bottles. Fuckers. Same price as a 32 oz. I am not happy about it.

I am really tired. I had something to eat when I came home. Leftovers from last night. I also had a cup of coffee to warm up some as I was frozen waiting for the bus. I took a shower this morning. I had to. I stunk so bad because I was sweating most of the night. I don’t know why my room got really hot. I kept taking off the covers. I was too lazy to turn on the ceiling fan. I didn’t sleep too well. I woke up around 0130 to pee and it took a couple of hours for me to get back to sleep. Then I kept having weird dreams and felt like I was waking up every hour or so because of them. I didn’t want to get up this morning but I had a cup of coffee before I showered. I forgot to brush my teeth after the shower but I did do it before I got dressed for PT.

Today is the anniversary of the 13^th Amendment being passed so I plan on watching Lincoln tonight. I love this movie so much.

The place where I am hopefully getting top surgery sent me a thing for registration so I did that and it made me brain dead. I was so tired from answering all the questions on my medical history, medications, family history, etc. I still haven’t decided who I am going to have write the letter saying that I am affirming my gender. Weight came up on the forms. I swear to god if BMI is a fucking issue I will just kill myself. I am going to try and lose weight between now and April but I’ve never been successful at reducing my weight on my own. I only lost 20 lbs because I had stopped eating. Without meaning to, I lost two pounds since I last weighed myself. I swear I don’t eat enough calories during the day but because I am sedentary, I don’t burn calories either. The only time I really leave the house is when I have an in-person appointment, usually a doctor or PT. at least once a month I will go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds but I all but a few that are there now. I have transferred most of my meds to mail order because it is cheaper and I don’t have to keep track every month if I need to refill my meds. I get a text from the mail order when my meds need to be refilled.

I just used my fitness pal to calculate the approximate number of calories I consume a day. It is way less than 1500 a day. I have no idea why I am still overweight.

Exciting news

Over the weekend while I couldn’t sleep, I decided to look at top surgery surgeon in my area. There were two places that accepted my insurance so I went with those. I got called today by one of them and have an appointment in April! I am so excited/nervous/scared all at once. Then I had therapy and I have decided that I love/hate her. We talked about getting trans support and it is my own anxieties keeping me from seeking out other trans folks. There is a transmen group that meets this Wed online. I am going to try and join it. Only problem I foresee is that it is between 1900-2100, which is usually around the time I go to bed. I might be too tired to join. I have to join an online thing that I only heard about through Wil Wheaton. I have no idea how it works so it will be interesting if I go for it.

Today was my niece’s birthday. I just came from the party. It was a good time. I couldn’t find the energy to shower so I plan on showering tomorrow morning before I leave the house for PT. I hope the PT can help my side and shoulder blade. It has been bothering me the past three days. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and down all my pain meds. I am so tired of being in pain every single day. It will be four months since the fall and that one fall I am still hurting. I still can’t even pick up 1L of water with my arm. It hurts so bad when I try or forget. I was able to do my arm exercises today for the first time without pain. I am making some progress but it is really slow and painful.

I contacted my PCP’s office to find out when I should expect the holter monitor and they said it could take up to a week. Great. I came up the stairs from the party and got really dizzy and out of breath. I had no palpitations so that was a good thing. I just took my night meds. I am unsure if I am going to use the vaginal estrodiol cream tonight. It doesn’t absorb well and I don’t like it. Just from the one dose I keep having it all over the place and on my underwear. Makes me feel gross.

I don’t plan on doing anything this evening. I am almost ready for bed.

I did nothing today. I slept fairly well but I’ve had palpitations this afternoon. Ativan helped ease some of the worry but my heart rate is still in the 100s. I will follow up with the doc tomorrow. I have therapy tomorrow and I don’t want to go. I probably will end up going because I hate arguing with her on why I shouldn’t go.

Nor’Easter Saturday Blog 29012022

It is a blizzard out there. The wind is making my room really cold. I put down the curtains over the AC because the wind was blowing it and I didn’t want the blinds to go down with the curtain. It also blocks some of the cold from getting in. The wind has made a pile of snow on one side of my back porch only. I just hope the snow isn’t heavy because that side of the porch is weak.

I had a pot pie for lunch. I had coffee while it was cooking. I want to go back to sleep because I was up all night. I went to bed around 2100 and woke up around midnight. I went back to sleep around five, had a dream, and woke up around 630 with urge to pee. I emptied my bladder and I have been up since. I tried to take a nap around 1330 but it didn’t happen.

The snow is still coming down. I don’t know how long it is supposed to last. There is a huge accumulation on the weaker side of the porch and I am worried that if the snow is too heavy, there might be a collapse. Trouble is, snow has accumulated in front of the back door so we can’t open it. We would have to around the house to get upstairs to the porch.

I had to put cathing on my med app because I am not getting the urge to pee since taking the urinary pain med. I think whatever was irritating my urethra cleared itself out. I have switched days on the vaginal cream because I still have it leaking out of me. I am not happy about this but if it will help my bladder situation, I am for it. I just have to give it time.