Category: depression

Lazy day

I woke up to pee and take my meds. Then I went back to sleep and stayed in bed till after 1300. I didn’t want to get up but I had to pee again and I was hungry. I wanted Starbucks so I ordered it and a grilled cheese sandwich. I ordered a venti but got a grande, a size smaller than what I ordered. I wasn’t happy. But there was nothing I could do about it. The sandwich was good. I was craving their grilled cheese for a while. I wanted it the other day but the store I was going to go to didn’t have it available.

I tried making an appointment for urodynamic testing but the coordinator is still not available. I left a message for her or him to call me again. This has been going on since the last three weeks. I really don’t want the testing but my NP does so be it.

Last night I used the vaginal estrogen cream for the first time. I thought it would be absorbed by now and it’s not. Fucking messy. I am not happy about it. I am having symptoms of a UTI so took the urinary pain pills. Past hour or so I have been having spasms, pain, and urges to go but my bladder is empty. I took a shower to get the cream off me.

Because I haven’t been active, I haven’t had any palpitations or heart racing episodes today. I haven’t heard from the Holter monitor folks today. Maybe after the snow storm. If I don’t hear anything by Tues, I will call my doc’s office to see what is going on.

I had woken up with my shoulder blade area hurting. I had taken a BT med with my morning meds. My deltoid is tightening up. I can feel it. I don’t know why these muscles hurt so much. The hot shower felt good on my neck. I let the hot water hit my side for a few minutes. It was hard keeping my arm up. Maybe I pulled something while I did that. It’s 71 degrees in my room according to my thermometer but my room feels colder. Going to snow this weekend so I probably am going to have some CRPS pain flare up. Last night the bones in my foot were so bad. I posted give me a reason to stay on twitter and as I was listening to Taylor, her song “Stay Stay Stay” came on. I had to laugh.

I have one bottle of Powerade left. Then I will have to drink water so I have been alternating between the two to try and make it last. I have just taken Powerade with my meds as I don’t like taking them with water. This is because my last grocery order didn’t deliver the Gatorade and Powerade that I ordered. They were out of stock on it. I am not too happy. I can’t go to the store by bus and carry the stuff. Not with my arm being the way that it is. I am not supposed to carry anything heavy with this arm. Even lifting my glass water bottle is heavy for it. PT said it could be four months before I could be ok again. I have been doing the exercises at home while I haven’t been in to see her due to the weather. I got to reschedule my time for the 15^th as I have my pcp appointment in the late morning. It might take me sometime to get to Medford. I also need to get my blood drawn that day for the TG doc. My CBC didn’t look too bad after the blood donation so I won’t say anything to my TG doc when they do the CBC again. I thought the crit was going to be lower than what it was. My PCP sent a message with the lab results. I didn’t know you could do that. I’ve never had a doctor do that before. They usually just sent me a message or provider letter. Oh well. Everything is good so that is the important thing.

Cardiac issues and new pcp

Last week I had some palpitations and I high HR of 156 after I bent down to pick something up and then stood up. I had to lay on my bed for a bit for it to calm down. I attributed it to the new blood pressure med I was taking but now I am not so sure. saw PCP today and she is concerned about the episodes. I have to have a Holter monitor for 14 days to record these events. so far today I have been keeping an eye on my heart rate since I have been home. I am still in the 90s to 110s, goes extremely high if I move fast, walk, go up or even down stairs. doc wants me to keep a log of all that happens and what I am doing. I just hope I don’t end up in the ED. she said that if an episode lasts more than 30 mins I need to go to the ED. My heart rate was a little high at the office but settled down once I was seated for a bit. My BP was high both times they took it but pcp isn’t worried about that so much right now. I had blood work done and all is normal, even my cholesterol.

I bought a new BP monitor as the one I was using was not accurate. also got a pulse ox that was like $20. I will get that tomorrow. I hope the Holter monitor gets here before the storm. I have no idea who is going to call me about it or how to pick it up. I am kind of scared about this. I wish she would have just put me on the beta blocker but she said that would mask what was going on with my heart. She is thinking of putting me on HCT but I fear I will be living in the bathroom if I do. Bad enough I am going every 2-3 hours, less if the urge is present.

I got a headache because I am tired. I have been up since 640. I had set the alarm for 6 and it was a good thing that bladder had to be emptied because otherwise I might have slept through my appointment. It was 7 degrees when I left the house. So fricken cold. Glad I was wearing a mask. It kept my face warm.

Thoughts about today

I had therapy today and I didn’t want to go. I wish I slept through the appointment and I almost did as I woke up 4 mins before session started. My laptop was being slow as fuck to wake up so I was a few minutes late due to technical issues. We talked about last week and how my family went against me because I didn’t bring down my recycling. Also talked a little about being suicidal. She said I need to stop being vague. I also told her I was stressed over my finances because I was short with this month’s payment for the mortgage. I will have to owe my sister the money next month. It is because my meds were $160 that I am short. I have $85 to go before I don’t have to pay anymore because my deductible will be met. I still need to get the new blood pressure medicine that I will be hopefully prescribed tomorrow.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I came back home and I was so short of breath. Going up the little incline to my house gets me every single time. Then I have to go up the stairs and it just kills me. It didn’t take forever like it did the other day to catch my breath again. I had some water while I was resting. I was pretty thirsty. I am still having bladder pains. My foot is a little better today though it has been throbbing all day. The icy coldness that I felt yesterday is gone. Read today on Twitter that a Nor’easter is on its way toward us this weekend.

I am wicked tired because I have been up since 4am. I woke up to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I took my morning meds at 7 and had my first cup of coffee then. I didn’t have my second cup until after therapy. I was so damn tired. We didn’t talk about heavy stuff but it still took a lot out of me. I didn’t want to go and ended up going anyway.

I am seeing the new PCP tomorrow for my blood pressure. I hope she doesn’t want labs drawn. I plan on having my bloodwork done for my TG doc in a couple of weeks. I plan on going to bed around 2100 but it might be sooner as I am tired. I know if I go to bed sooner than 2100 the risk of me waking up several times during the night increases. I just cannot stay asleep when I get to sleep.

Blood donation and appointments

Yesterday took a lot out of me. I was so tired when I came home I was short of breath for a good while. I wasn’t wheezing but it took a long time for me to catch my breath. I was that tired. I spent nearly six hours out, four of them at the hospital. The café was open to visitors so I was able to have my beets salad. It was so good even though the beets were sliced instead of whole. I didn’t feel like eating chicken salad as I had my PB&J sandwich. I was so full because of the amount of drinking I was doing. I went to the bathroom like three times. I did ok for my donation. I had a good phlebotomist who got me on the first try. I told her my veins were deep and she said yes they were. She was so nice. I hope that if I donate again, I get her.

My neuro appointment went well. Nothing serious is going on with my head or nerves. I still need to be careful with my back because I have a disc that is trouble. I forgot to ask her why my thigh flares up when I give the T shot. I am not sure if the muscle is directly connected or not. I was going to ask my PT but it snowed last night and I didn’t want to deal with it so I canceled my appointment. I tried to reschedule it but she is booked.

I didn’t have a good sleep last night, tired as I was. Pain kept me up like every four hours. I got up when my med alarm went off. I am thinking of taking a shower today because I am wicked itchy for some reason and I have been sweating most of the day. The temps are just above freezing so I don’t know why I am so damn hot. My CRPS foot is cold, however, right in the bones. I had to take off the wool socks because my ankles swelled up and the elastic was hurting me. I have been trying to stay hydrated and eat today but I am not too hungry or thirsty so it has been hard.

I met with my psychiatrist today (via zoom). I asked if he wanted any blood work as I am getting my blood drawn in a couple weeks and he said no. He needed an A1c but I already had it done. We talked about donating and he was amazed that I gave. He said that I had saved someone’s life by donating. I hope so. I wish I knew if my blood was used or not but they don’t tell you. I got some juice and a long sleeve t-shirt that I really like. It doesn’t have anything on it except the blood donor center on the breast area. Today I am so pooped. I had ¾ of a black bean burger. I had coffee. I know I shouldn’t be drinking a lot of coffee while I am recovering but I am dragging. I am trying to drink Powerade and water. But it is hard to drink when you aren’t thirsty and just want to sleep.

Since Sunday, I have been having bladder pain. Urine is clear so I don’t think I have an infection. If I still have it next week, I will have my urine checked. It is just annoying. I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I am waiting for my T to be filled and then I will go. My mother wanted me to mail something for her but I am not going near a mailbox and I am not crossing the main street twice to do it. I told her I wasn’t going that way. It would take too many spoons that I don’t have. My psychiatrist validated my energy levels. I told him what happened last week when I had tried to clear my room with the help of my niece but my niece bailed on me and I got yelled at by four family members because I just left the stuff. I was called a hoarder and I told him I don’t have an emotional connection to the recycles I just don’t have the energy to take it downstairs. I still haven’t touched my trash bag only because it is a little out of reach and stuff is everywhere. I am overwhelmed with trying to get it together to throw out. I will try and get it together before Thursday when it is trash day. I have an early appointment that day so I can take out the bag and put it in the bin when I leave. This will take some planning on my part. Of course it all depends if I get up early enough. Otherwise, all bets are off.